Garbage Dump II 2017
by I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Summary: Here's another set of horrific parodies featuring Pokémon characters turned into feeble playthings for a depraved Suethor's nightmarish whimsy. Featuring random karaoke sprees and hysterical sobbing. Among other abysmal things I can't mention in the summary.
1. Crying and Dying Part 1

_You need to do the Pokemon stories. They're so bad, they're horrible. That makes them amazing. - An Anonymous Lost Soul_

By popular request...and I can't believe there was one, you masochistic heathens...here's these newest, oldest, shrieking apocalyptic abominations from the rotting bowels of 2000s Angelfire. No, I haven't abandoned this account. Shockingly I have a life outside the internet writing mediocre parodies of awful fanfictions. Likely more so if the revoke of net neutrality tries to force me to pay to use this massive time waster of a website come 2018.

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Crying, Dying, Humiliation: Starring In Name Only Pokémon Characters  
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants  
Some old school awful from years past, still available on the decrepit pits of ancient Angelfire Rocketshipping fansites. That takes me back.

Pokémon and all related characters are owned by Nintendo, Creatures, and Game Freak, not me. The nigh incomprehensible song lyric filled script fics these were based upon feel like somebody took all Meowth's disturbingly hilarious imagine spot fantasies about Giovanni and substituted them in place of actual canon while forgetting the entire cast of the Pokémon series and its main plot. I am no longer surprised by that at all.

CRYING, DYING, TORTURE, HUMILIATION: STARRING IN NAME ONLY POKÉMON CHARACTERS, PART 1

We join a bunch of expendable characters forced into an absurd fanfic written by a person who, despite not caring about anything in the franchise outside Craig Dragotti, er, Giovanni, his untamed lust for kawaii baby Mew, his rabid obsession over his minor character Mary Sue insert girlfriend Miyamoto and crazy BDSM mafia mommy boss from the five part radio drama Birth of Mewtwo, the major plot points of which go completely ignored in favor of...well, wait for it...assumed this would make them the most popular writer in the fandom. Did it work? Going to go out on a limb here and suggest, no. Cue the eternal wailing and gnashing of teeth and "YOU DON'T KNOW POKEEMANZ CANON, HYPOCRITES! EVERYBODY BUT ME WRITES OOC CHILD PORN!" Boo hoo, self-loathing narcissistic projection. Cry harder, you creepy stalker-pedo.

The Rocket Gang hung out in their nondescript HQ, having a party. Parties are fun and often involve cake. Mmm, cake. That's my fetish. This celebration isn't pertinent to the plot, however. It doesn't involve any cake either. I can smell your collective disappointment.

Instead we focus on our main object of lust, the one, the only, the dreamy, loving, flawless father figure who can do no wrong unless he's been corrupted by an outside source into being a meanie pants jerkwad evil villain, unlike in that slanderous canon that ruins his precious woobie cinnamon roll status, dear sweet innocent Giovanni of Team Rocket fame.

Yes, that Giovanni. Unfortunately.

Now he's the Suethor's own "Original Character" boyfriend called Craig Dragotti. Who was based off Buck-Tick singer, Atsushi Sakurai. And by based off I mean stole the man's entire likeness and personal life, applied some cutesy anime with melodramatic soap opera tropes to it before declaring it Original Property, do not steal, everyone who dares criticize this are a bunch of knuckle-dragging losers and trolls jealous of the Suethor's boundless creative genius. Et cetera and so forth. I Wish I was kidding. Sadly I am not. This really happened. Multiple times. In different fandoms. With the same pattern repeated over and over. With three different yet unbearably similar characters each time. Always.

If you are or ever have been a Giovanni fan, or a fan of the Pocket Monster franchise in general, you might want to leave before you see something that can never be unseen. I feel like I've said that before with many, many of this person's fics in the past. They just keep on getting worse and the hypocrisy more shamefully obvious.

Now back to this reputedly seventeen year long ongoing shitfest crammed into multiple one-shot parody format.

We now stumble through a giant page of subpar description porn of everyone's favorite mysterious character, the grand Madame Boss, elusive original leader of the Rocket Gang, and best of all most important positively real and valid canon fact: Giovanni's batshit cray-cray beloved abusive domming mommy figure to his hyper-feminized sissy little boyness.

Giovanni is a sissy femme gay boy sub and Madame Boss is his cruel femMommy dominant. This is 100% canon fact. Not someone's personal fetish headcanon. The actual canon.

What proof have we? She called him a brat boy. Once. In a radio drama. It means she HATES him and also wants him dead. Meanwhile she'll get off to sexually or physically torturing and humiliating him for kicks. Brat, brat, brat. That's our mysterious Madame Boss. Canon. Don't dare say it's not because it is. Also Giovanni appeared in his undies several times during comedic dream sequences in the canon. That makes him super flaming gay sissy fetish with mommy issues, obviously. Oh, Meowth. What have you unleashed upon the world?

The expendable characters present at the gathering were described by their clothing alone. An entire paragraph dedicated to describing the clothing and hair of every single character in the briefly featured Rocket Gang party here as if everyone in the fandom who is familiar with this series doesn't know what they look like.

And then there was Miyamoto. She was the best Rocket Gang member.

Why is she the best character? It's not because she's competent, determined, tenacious, and reliable. Nope. That's stupid.

Go on, guess why. It should be extremely familiar by now.

Hint: She's the Suethor's designated canon Sue self-insert romantic ship fodder who's in One True Love with Giovanni but tragically always gets tortured or dies before they can make proper marriage sperm babies together forever! Just like EVERY FUCKING STORY!

Unless she's swapped out for Jessie. Because that happens a lot for some reason.

Funny when the Suethor can't get any attention bait from their preferred crack ship, so they jump on whatever canon female is more popular in the fandom and change them to suit their own taste into their personal OC. It's almost like every female character is simply interchangeable generic template cannon fodder to them for their Mary Sue shipping urges with whatever canon dude they wanna bang at the time. Hmm.

Giovanni, or Sakaki if you're a Nihongo-is-superior weeb purist, and Madame Boss, or Woman Boss because that sounds a lot funnier thanks to awkward Japanese to English translations, were at the desk in the nondescript office room that Giovanni hung out at when he wasn't on his knees sobbing or being tortured.

Giovanni held his dear mum's hand, cuddling his prized Persian in the other. He made out with Madame Boss's gorgeous face.

"I love you mommy dearest," said Giovanni, his expression growing agitated when everyone else gathered around started snickering, immature bunch that they were.

"Dawww, how sickeningly sweet," said Musashi, also known as Jessie, but dubs are for losers, mimicking the momma's boy by kissing her own mother repeatedly on the cheek. "I WUV U MOMMY!"

Giovanni did everyone's favorite expression. He scowled. Have your beverage ready for our featured drinking game. And make sure it isn't alcoholic in nature or you'll die after three minutes flat. That is not a joke. Don't attempt to Drinking Game any of these badfics. Ever. You will die.

"My little baby brat boy is such a brat," said Madame Boss, smiling, head tilted at a 90 degree angle. "Who wants to see my giant set of blackmail pictures of him? By the way, he wasn't toilet trained until he was 18 years old. How embarrassing, am I right? I just randomly yell this shit out to anyone in the vicinity. It's very in character for me. We can interpret this from my dialogue in Birth of Mewtwo's entertaining radio drama. If you can't, you're an idiot who doesn't grasp proper canon characterization. Only the most elite fans use the minor canon characters as their personal Mary Sue OCs. It saves you the trouble of having to come up with any ill conceived ideas of your own. Creating original content is hard. Stealing is easier. BRAT BOY, BRAT BOY!"

"Mommy," Giovanni whined, his face going three different shades of red in succession. "That is entirely slanderous and you know it!"

"Yes, I do," she said. "That's why it's so funny."

"Akwaaaaaaaard," said one of the nameless expendable background characters who made up the Rocket Bunch. They were of no interest to the plot, only serving as background character filler fodder. They will be dropped from the story and forgotten once they aren't needed. "More awkward."

"WHO WANTS TO SEE NAKED PHOTOS OF MY TODDLER?" Madame Boss waved a bunch of them around in the air.

"That's really awkward," said that nameless expendable guy from before, trying to get more lines of dialogue. He poofed into nonexistence with a scream, proving how little these background characters mattered to the plot. Why they were there to begin with is anyone's guess.

"No one," the remaining Rocket Gang yelled back in unison.

"I do," Miyamoto piped up before Jessie lowered her mother's hand, shaking her head with embarrassment. Miyamoto snapped her fingers in defeat. "Aww, nuts."

"Control your impulses, Mother," Jessie said.

Unable to handle the maddening sexual stimulation of public humiliation by his Mommy, Giovanni screamed and fled the room, hiding his shameful boner. "Mommy, why do you do this to me? I'm practically a grown man and I should be allowed some dignity," his delightful effeminate shriek carried down the hallway.

"You don't act like a real man," Madame Boss said, shooting a disturbing smirk and glare in his absence. "You pathetic whimpering sissy man-baby bitch! I can't be bothered to treat you with dignity when you don't have any to begin with."

"It's not my fault, IT'S THE WRITING," Giovanni's voice called from somewhere in the distance.

"It's canon and you know it," Madame Boss said, chuckling with evil delight, a hand splayed in front of her chin. "Oh ho ho ho, '90s anime laugh!"

"I wanna see the creepy photos," Cassidy said, pushing Jessie and Miyamoto out of the way. "Lay 'em down. Right here." She threw herself on top of the desk, grinning while slapping her breasts.

"Luckily that was an exaggeration made by the parody based off some actual lines of dialogue in the fic that are so OOC it hurts to read them," said Butch, regretting his inclusion in the story. "Without our canon names, you'd never know who any of us were supposed to be."

The original narrative wanted everyone to know that Madame Boss, for whatever reason, owned 100 humiliating pictures of her nude son.

WHY THOUGH? WHY DOES SHE HAVE SO MANY HUMILIATING NUDE PHOTOS OF HER OWN SON?

I get the concept of dark humor but this is creepy in how super fucking casual it's played off as. Then again, that makes sense, given the Suethor's long established rep for using homophobia, rape, racism, and cancer as punchlines. Yikes.

"Super awkwaaaaaaaaaaard," yelled out Nameless Expendable Background Character #3.

"About 99 of the possible reasons for me having that many humiliating nude photos of my son point to me being either an awful mother or a pedophile making money off my son. Or more likely, both," said Madame Boss in an eerily gleeful manner. "Place your bets on whether this will be confirmed by the plot at a later instance!"

"I put 100 dollars down on confirming yes," said Butch quite confidently.

"Um, okay then. We're going to leave this increasingly uncomfortable situation before it gets any worse," said James, shoving Miyamoto and Jessie out of the room. "Let's go find the boss."

"I'll bet he's crying hysterically in his underwear in the executive washroom," said Jessie. "He does that a lot."

The group wandered aimlessly, calling out their boss's name until they happened upon a random door.

"Ooh, I hear something. It sounds like either a cat being murdered in a blender or bad karaoke," said Jessie. "I can't quite tell which."

"Maybe it's both," said James. "Some people are into that."

They creaked open the door, finding Giovanni singing some tone-deaf karaoke. In front of his kitties. His expensive stuffed kitties. Er, stuffed Persians. Maybe some Skitties.

Giovanni stood on a stage in the middle of the room with the regular Persian watching him, being the only living creature who could tolerate his master's tone deafness and grating raspy monotone voice void of any charm the canon once held in either dub or sub. He sang Weiß Kreuz songs. Reposting the lyrics of said songs are now against the ToS but frankly a painful reminder of years long past and shitty Mary Sue OC x Canon shipfics in general, and we should never imitate it, even for satire.

"What is he doing," asked Jessie, dumbfounded.

"Why, imitating the Suethor, of course," said James. "As you may have noticed, they are obsessed with cats, cross-dressing sissy men, graphic violence and torture, death scenes, ghosts, baby play, Mary Sues, melodramatic soap operas and reality TV, narcissism, and karaoke. Among other things. These distinct traits tend to be present in every fic in a repeating pattern that never deviates. Naturally, all the assigned self-insert characters end up exhibiting this behavior as well. It's way more obvious in this series than anything else to date. I hope I don't end up in the rape dungeon, getting my mouth held open and pissed in. I mean my ORAL CAVITY! Hold me, Jessie. I'm frightened."

"Oh no! It looks to be true," said Jessie with intense dismay. "All that's missing are picnics with Chinese food and chocolate cake, and grown adults having eerily sexualized childish fetishy sleep overs that have rapey overtones. Because there's nothing cuter than grown adults sexualizing childhood and going one step further to slap needlessly rapey overtones onto it."

"Rose gardens," said Butch. "And a perpetually screaming God Sue baby who the entire cast of canon characters bow down to every waking moment, until every thought in their minds is how they can worship and serve this nightmarish eternally screeching baby monster who is the most blatant Suethor's self-insert to exist!"

"Yaoi," said Cassidy.

"And the cuckoldry," said James, hugging Jessie's waist. "Don't forget that."

"I wish I could," said Jessie. "Why do I have a feeling I'm going to end up as part of this hot mess sooner or later?"

"Your vagina," said James, pointing at Jessie's crotch.

Jessie slapped him across the face.

"Ow," James said, rubbing his reddened cheek. "Well, it's true!"

"I know!" Jessie said, choking back a sob. "I hate having the truth shoved in my face! It's much harder to pretend it doesn't exist!"

"I Know," James said, whimpering.

"Thank God I'm overall irrelevant as a character here," said Cassidy, fondling her breasts unconsciously.

"Same," said Butch. He turned to face all the other completely irrelevant background characters who were poofing out of existence one by one. "It's not so bad. Right?"

"No, it is bad!" Jessie and James wailed.

The Rockets hugged each other and cried, wishing they were in another fanfic.

"Singing off key is a stress reliever," Giovanni said to himself but not quite. He turned toward the fourth wall, grimacing. "How dare you judge me by an adult-baby weeaboo's clumsily written infantile whims inserted on top of my canon personality! You know I'm better than this." He shook his head, feeling faint. "No, wait. This is the actual canon. I'm the REAL Giovanni! Not like those awful fanon versions found in bad fanfic. This is how I act in canon."

"Well, he's got us there," said James from beyond the door.

"Mother, you wouldn't somehow acquire hundreds of humiliating nude photos of me and sell them online to perverts, would you?" Jessie felt compelled to ask.

"Of course not, sweetie. I'm the Good Mother figure in contrast to the Bad Mother figure in these stories," she said, smiling blandly like it was the only thing she could do after being so reduced to manufactured one-dimensional stereotypes there wasn't anything left of her that would be recognizable as canon. "I am a generic flawless female character symbolizing absolute purity from a deeply religious standpoint. In order to do that, I have been stripped of my canon personality. Now I am the blandest of bland, perpetually cheerful and accommodating to whatever or whoever the plot calls for. I am the virgin Madonna to the Lilith whore that is always present with black and white thinking. I am not the exuberant, somewhat melodramatically comedic, and determined sassy go-getter hell bent on making profits that I was presented as in the canon. Canon makes writing out OOC masturbation fantasies with copyrighted characters turned into soulless puppets for whatever the Suethor wishes to project onto them much harder to do. So we simply remove it and replace it with that which we are most accustomed and prefer to see." After that long-winded explanation, she pet Jessie on the head.

"Oh. Okay," said Jessie, looking both confused and uncomfortable. "That explains a lot, actually."

"The need for karaoke fuels a large portion of my terribly unfulfilling life for some reason I can't fully explain," Giovanni yelled, attempting to draw audience attention back to himself. "Anime is all I have left now. My room is filled with body pillows of my various hot fictional waifus. They take the place of the flesh and blood significant other for whom I pine after on a daily basis." He waved the mic around in the air. "I'm not bitter! Everyone else is bitter! I've moved on! This isn't the lie I've cried myself to sleep with every night for the past 15 years! DON'T TELL ME I'M LYING! YOU CAN'T!" He began to sob softly. "You can't. Can you?"

"Of course not," said a familiar voice from the doorway. "It would set you into a meltdown of destructive homicidal narcissist rage."

"You idiot!"

"Oops! Ow! Hey, watch it! I bruise easily."

"You blew our cover! Here's a bruise for you, you big dope!"

"OW! You big meanie weenie!"

The sound of squabbling drew Giovanni's attention. He turned around and gasped, seeing several sets of prying eyes peeking from the door crack where all those whispers had originated from. He screamed girlishly, recoiling.

"What the hell are you anonymous assholes doing here spying on me? Whoever you are, I should fire you all. But I can't if I don't know who you are," he said, lowering his mic. "No use hiding! Show yourselves already."

"Oh, boss-kun, do go on. You have such a beautiful singing voice," James lied, opening the door all the way. "We enjoyed your singing so much, we had to come and have a closer listen."

Giovanni gasped again when he saw Miyamoto, Jessie, and James.

"Ooh, clever. You know how to placate my murderous narcissistic rage by telling me what I want to hear seconds before I unleash my wrath on you," said Giovanni. "Get in here. I need a captive human audience to blare my off key karaoke at and you're the only other characters involved that haven't been poofing out of relevancy as the plot moves farther and farther away from the Pokémon universe into an actual OC fic with stolen Pokémon character names tossed around to bait reviews."

The group obeyed without question due to an overwhelming lack of free will. They took a seat on the floor with Giovanni's pet Persian.

And then a long but thankfully not described sequence of karaoke went on, with Giovanni singing songs from another fictional anime universe that somehow exists in this fictional anime universe. Velvet Underworld being one of them. Play it in the background if you wish as you remember your awful childhood AMVs made in Windows Movie Maker.

Everyone grinned with visible discomfort as they endured the concert and enthusiastically applauded after it had ended.

"At least we didn't get fired thanks to my quick thinking," James whispered through his teeth as he smiled and clapped for the bowing Giovanni. "It could have been worse."

"Worse than what? My ears are bleeding! I'm going to kick your butt for dragging us into this, James. You asshole," Jessie whispered back to him, struggling to maintain her false smile.

The rest of the major canon fodder...ha, get it, it works two ways...characters reappeared now that the plot required them once again.

"Hi, we're relevant to the plot again for a few seconds," said Cassidy, waving as she strolled through the doorway with Butch.

"We're the only ones left now," said Butch, growing more and more nervous. "I'm close to having an existential crisis!"

"How come they got to leave the plot and we were dragged off into karaoke ear torture land for no reason other than Suethor appeal," said Jessie, twisting her finger inside her numb ear. She stood up and brushed off her skirt. "I suppose it's better than the torture-rape dungeons."

"Much better," James agreed.

"God, what was that awful noise? Was somebody strangling a Persian to death in here?" Butch read his line in the script. He squinted at it, confused. "Who's Craig Dragotti?"

Jessie went over, took the script from Butch's hands, pulled out a pen and scratched a line through the name Craig Dragotti and wrote Giovanni above it. Then handed it back to Butch.

"OOOooh, now I get it," said Butch. "So that's why it says Interchangeable Background Character where all my lines are. Hey...wait!"

"HMPH!" Giovanni grunted, taken directly from his brief line in BoM. "Being spoken in a different context makes it original now. Every other line of the original fic, imitated right down to the original script format, wasn't stolen off an old transcript of Birth of Mewtwo. The Suethor didn't copy it line for line, with all the accompanying spelling errors and lack of capitalization, switching a handful of things around and replacing the names of the characters involved with their main OTP three or foursome to then claim as original content. Nope. Completely original." He turned toward the confused fourth wall, whispering: "Ha, that's a lie! They totally did! What a hypocrite and plagiarist since the dawn of time! Original content, my lily white twinkish shaven bubble butt."

"Did somebody say twinkish shaven bubble butt?" Madame Boss questioned aggressively, bursting into the scene. She glared at her son. "Don't you love me anymore, Brat Boy?"

Giovanni gasped and fell to his knees.

"Of course I do, mother! I mean, Mommy, I mean SIR! You're the light of my life. But the more I think about it, being forced wildly OOC, stripped of everything that made me enjoyable in the canon, turned into a walking homophobic joke, then repeatedly tortured and humiliated kind of makes me feel like I'm not appreciated as anything more than a piece of interchangeable meat who will be dumped when the Suethor masturbating to my suffering while claiming to be my biggest fan in the world so they can attack other fans and get away with it finally tires of me and moves on to the next interchangeable character, forgetting my existence entirely from then on. You know? Just like every other character they've ever pretended to stan for just so they could yell at their real fans and call them insulting names because their fanfic was more popular than the Suethor's due to being made with love, not hate!" A tear welled in the corner of his eye. His bottom lip trembled.

"Too bad. Blackmailing, torturing, and humiliating children for your own twisted sexual gratification is part of what being a fanfic writer, I mean, a parent is all about," said Madame Boss. She shook her head, chuckling to herself. "Boy, I've got more issues than Golgo 13!"

"I'll remember that advice if I somehow have children myself. But probably won't. I've been turned into a whiny adult-baby virgin with rage and mommy issues thanks to horrific mischaracterization," said Giovanni, expressing a clear amount of growing depression. He hung his head in disgust. "Fanfiction makes me hate myself."

"You and every other character that falls victim to a pompous clownboat Suethor sadist shipper who can't stand canon because it ruins all their wild deluded fantasies," said Madame Boss. "But them's the breaks."

"These bold but presumably accidental implications in the original narration due to lack of author self-awareness are disturbing," said Giovanni.

"I'll say," said Madame Boss. She pulled a flask from the inside breast pocket of her blazer and chugged the contents. "But they're also pretty damn funny."

"You know what? We should focus more on the karaoke," said James. "I like karaoke."

"Karaoke?" Jessie questioned, snorting with derision. "That's level 9999 weeb trash if I've ever seen it. Vocaloids, desu. Atsushi Sakurai is my astral plane soulbonding spirit boyfriendo!" She snorted louder, laughing hysterically before wiping away a tear. "Hard to believe this person is a real live walking stereotype of weeaboos circa the early 2000s, but it's true. Someone call Weeaboo Stories. We got a real winner here."

"Excuse you, bitchface! I fucking love karaoke," Giovanni said, shooting Jessie an icy death glare.

"Huh, weird. I have the overwhelming urge to agree with the boss that karaoke is awesome," said Butch. He turned and glared at Jessie. "And that Jessie is a dumb bimbo slutfart who's annoying and isn't deserving of all the popularity she gets in the fandom, unlike Madame Boss and Miyamoto, my preferred canon Sues! I mean favorite characters!" He stared blankly for a second. "Wait, what am I saying? Why do I feel like somebody else's words are forcefully coming out of my mouth against my will?" He made a disgusted face, smacking his lips. "It even tastes bad!"

"I have the inexplicable urge to hate Jessie and her fans too," said Cassidy, dismayed. "I also can't form my own opinions any longer for some reason. I can only parrot back what the Suethor's obvious love interest canon character wants me to agree with them on!"

"Welcome to the club," said James.

"Hey!" Jessie snapped at them.

"Huh. Interesting. I was thinking all that in my head," said Giovanni. "Guess those thoughts transferred to everyone else in the vicinity. We must be psychically linked to the Suethor."

"Wait. Does that mean," James asked nervously, "we're a HIVE MIND?"

Everyone exchanged glances of varying horror.

The cast soon realized they had no control of themselves outside the Suethor's dictated personal references and could do nothing but submit or die to their whims. Sucks to be them.

"Oh well," Giovanni said, shrugging.

He broke into an impromptu version of _It Will All Be Mine_ for four minutes and some odd seconds.

"More karaoke," everyone shouted against their wills, clapping excitedly.

"Sure. Why not? It's not like there's much of a story going on outside of reposted Japanese song lyrics," said Giovanni, picking up the microphone again. He sighed. "Just a socially maladjusted weeeaboo's anime fanaticism and revenge-lust obsession for their yaoi uke ex-boyfriendo crammed together. With some copyrighted names from random media franchises thrown in. That franchise just so happened to be Pokémon because of its mainstream popularity at the time. Same as every story to date. No pattern."

"There's a huge pattern," Butch said, bringing out a comprehensive chart before he was slapped in the face by Cassidy's open palm.

"Don't point that out. There will be severe repercussions," she said, looking panicked.

"Quick, click away from this hell before it's too late," James whispered to the fourth wall. "Go do something constructive. Read a book, go for a walk, listen to some real music. Anything!"

"I always enjoyed the Lavender Town theme," said Butch. "Am I weird?"

"Not as weird as this story will get in about two minutes," said Cassidy.

"There's a good remix of that theme by Solkrieg," said Butch. "Sounds a lot better than the dying cat karaoke tone deaf vocals we've got going on here."

"Anything sounds better than that," said Jessie. "My poor ears!" Blood trickled from them. "Please, make it stop!"

"You shut your impudent whore mouths before I slap them closed," Giovanni yelled. "How dare you discuss real music in my presence! You know I hate that shit!" He slapped the both of them across their faces. "Never mind, I enjoy slapping you losers." He slapped them again.

"Boss!" sobbed the remnants of Team Rocket.

Everyone started a slapstick slap fight because they had nothing else to do at the moment besides sing terrible karaoke and we can't repost song lyrics on this website, unlike the shitty ex-Transformers forum in which this story was first posted.

Madame Boss shoved everyone out of her path, throwing her hands high into the air.

"Everyone shut the fuck up! I'm the most aggressively used main canon character here. The villain Sue. Also I am the not so subtle Suethor's secret author avatar. I control the plot now. You obey my whims. We're doing what I want to do, and I want to steal some rare Pokémon with my dearest little Brat Boy." She turned to the fourth wall and whispered, "Ha ha! That only means I'm going to engage in the submissive male sissy humiliation fetish Suethor appeal pedotrollolol shit again with Giovanni. And there's nothing you can do to stop me. You know. Aside from closing out of this tab."

"Do it while you still can," James encouraged.

"YOU DO AND I'LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP," said Madame Boss, in a frighteningly dead serious tone.

"I'm concerned that I have the overwhelming urge to stick around and see how bad this gets," said Jessie. "Or maybe that's because I have no control over my own actions and am at the mercy of the writing."

"As we all know, the writing has no mercy to be found," James said mournfully. "So we're all very screwed."

"Please don't show them my humiliating nude photos that you have for some reason that no one wants explained in full detail though we're all morbidly curious," groaned Giovanni.

"Oh, come on. Let's face it, there's no real plot here. We don't matter to the story. Only three characters ever matter: The Craig, the Isabella, and the Sasha. That's Giovanni, Miyamoto and Madame Boss. Sometimes Jessie but only because Miyamoto wasn't popular enough. So really, the rest of us can leave. Let's drop this while we have a bit of our former dignity. Strike, strike!" Butch cheered, pumping his fist into the air. "Who's with me? Strike! Strike! We REFUSE to participate in this bullshit!" Cassidy clasped her hand over his mouth and dragged him away. "MMMMPHFF!"

"Bye, Bob," said Madame Boss. "Now back to the ritual fetishistic cross-dressing that shows up in every other story like this. Where'd I put that Lolicon French maid outfit for my sissy bitch boy of a son? The one with the super short skirt that really shows off the slappable ass cheeks."

"Hey, you stole that cross-dressing thing from us for being more popular," James whined. His hand shot into the air. "I want to be the woman. With gigantic inflatable titties!"

"I'll be the man and put a giant inflatable gag dick in my pants to further offend everyone's delicate sensibilities," said Jessie. "Maybe they'll censor me out of this embarrassing shitshow."

"My son could be the hermaphrodite because he's a big gay loser," said Madame Boss. She pointed at her son and laughed. "Get it? Because you're an effeminate pathetic little sissified bitch with no eyebrows! Bitch boy, bitch boy! Bratty bratty brat brat! How hard did we have to reach to interpret this headcanon? Why does it always appear with every male character any yaoi fanatic Suethor ships, even when they're hetero ships? Having yaoi as a preface? Hating every aspect of established canon? There's got to be some direct link."

"Weeaboos," the other characters chorused.

"I think they stole it off of James and put it on the character they wanted to ship with their Sue instead of the one that was popular in the fandom," Jessie said and laughed, nudging him in the side.

"Hey! I resent that resemblance!" James whined harder than before. "It's not my fault the fandom exaggerates certain characteristics in order to justify their shipping headcanons. Why does shipping turn every canon character into a bunch of slack-jawed squealing morons? How is it so hard to keep a canon character's personality intact while adding in some romance?"

"That takes skill and effort. Who wants to devote themselves to that time consuming nonsense when you crave instant gratification," Jessie said.

"Oh! You're right," James said. "Well then, that makes more sense." He folded his arms and nodded.

"Mother, please!" Giovanni covered his face with his hand. "I'm not like this outside of horrible fanfictions and those creepy Meowth fantasies. None of us are."

Butch stuck his head through the doorway. His hand shot into the air. "I wholeheartedly agree!"

"Shut up, you buttface," Cassidy said, elbowing him in the gut and pulling him away again. "You're using up all our cameo appearance time trying to fight a losing battle!"

"I don't care! It's cold and dark in there and I need oxygen," Butch cried before he disappeared back into the swirling void.

"You know you want to be a helpless and weak slutty little Catholic high school French maid stripper nympho bimbo who sucks dicks all day long like in the fake Giovanni stan's darkest bedroom fantasies," Madame Boss whispered at him, biting the tip of her finger. "Little gay bitch." After putting on her sunglasses, she tilted her head back and laughed. "That's your characterization now and there's nothing you can do about it!"

Giovanni hung his head in shame. A sexy shame. "No, it's pornographic weeaboo projection. Why can't anyone see this?" He turned around and heaved a sigh. He pondered for a long moment. "There's several ways I could end it if I tried hard enough. Anyone got some rope and a chair I could borrow?"

"Shut up, bitch boy. I've got something you can borrow," Madame Boss said, throwing a shoe at Giovanni's head.

The shoe bounced off the side of Giovanni's head. He teared up a little in the corner of one eye. Hot. "Mother!"

"Now give it back to me before I start charging for rental," she said.

Butch and Cassidy fell from a worm hole that opened up in the ceiling.

"Oh, hey! We're back again," said Cassidy. "Did you miss us?"

"Who are you again?" asked Giovanni.

Butch and Cassidy did the anime face-plant.

"Haaaaaaaaaaaa," Jessie and James laughed.

"Stuff it, you goons. You're only here to fill a popularity quota," said Giovanni.

Jessie and James put on wounded expressions.

"But everyone loves us," Jessie said.

"Right?" said James.

"NO," Giovanni and Madame Boss said together. "You're only here because the Suethor had to shove you in for fandom bait. It shows."

Jessie and James' eyes welled up with huge sad animu tears as they clutched each other's hands.

And now for a random filler scene that can be removed with zero impact to the story. Oh, wait. No. It was cut out and thrown into the garbage where it belonged. Because it doesn't matter at all and contributes nothing to the plot. Whatever small amount of plot there is to be found.

"Whoa, did you feel time get sucked away all of a sudden?" Butch asked, rubbing his head.

"No, everyone else answered.

"Back to more karaoke," said Giovanni, shoving Jessie and James out of the way before doing a magical girl twirl sequence. He then appeared in a cross between Boy George and Gothic Lolita drag outfit. "Initiating cross-dressing fetish! I got it from my Visual Kei J-rock daisuki desu. Buck-Tick! Sexual Tacos! Crotch-grab!" He set the radio down and started singing again. "Copyrighted song lyrics." Giovanni waved his hands in the air, beckoning Jessie and James to come up with him. "Get up here, assholes. I'm not doing this embarrassing weeb futanari-fujoshi routine by myself. That's usually what YOU'RE forced to do in every fanfic. They stole your rotten fan characterization and slapped it onto me!"

"I know, right?" said James, looked mildly offended.

"Wow, it's almost like canon characterization doesn't matter and was replaced with something generic copied off from more frequently appearing characters who the fandom found to be more popular in order to steal it and bait an audience into reading this dreck with the preferred minor characters who are being used as empty OC fodder for an uncreative Mary Suethor," said Jessie before gasping for breath.

"Shallow attention baiting," the duo cried out.

"Shut up and karaoke before I erase you from the ongoing plot continuity altogether," Giovanni threatened.

"Sorry, Boss," they cried.

Jessie and James jumped onto the stage with him wearing similar costumes, becoming his backup dancers slash singers for Team Rocket Forever.

"This is a fun way to pass time when you've got nothing else to do," James sang. He did high kicks while arm locked with Jessie. "It's the best song in the franchise! Never forget Animutations! Never forget our original VAs! They were the best! Nostalgia!"

"By the way," said Jessie, "where's Meowth? It isn't like him to be missing during this song. Or anywhere up to this point. Notice how he's been completely absent from this fic. Weird."

"Huh, you're right," said James.

"Meowth?" they both cried. "Where are you?"

They looked around but didn't see any trace of him. Seems he too was irrelevant to the Suethor's appeal, meaning he would never show up unless someone pointed his absence from the beloved Team Rocket trio out for the purpose of ridicule and the Suethor had to cover it up real quick by pretending they cared about that character to begin with. And always badly at that, thereby proving they don't give a fuck about the character in question and that's why most if not all relevant main characters were always missing from the related fics. Looks like no one did. Kudos.

I'll spare Meowth the torture of appearing in this parody outside a brief cameo.

"Gee, t'anks! I was worried dere for a second I was gonna end up dead and skinned for a rug by some crazy old pedo broad," Meowth said in his brief cameo line of dialogue. And then he was gone. Run free, you poor soul.

"Take us with you!" Butch screamed.

Giovanni slide-kicked the radio away, cutting off the music. "Damn it, you inept fools ruined my plan to seduce a Pikachu through song! Wait. What?"

"That sounds like one of our ridiculous plans," Jessie said. "The Suethor really is forcing our characterization onto you, Boss!"

"It sure does seem that way," said Giovanni. "Can you tell me apart from my bumbling comedy henchmen in this story? No? Me either. We're all characterized as interchangeable childish maniacs obsessed with the same trite weeaboo nonsense the person who mangled us into this fanfic is. No correlation."

"It's canon now, remember," Jessie shouted. "Haters gonna hate!"

Everyone threw back their heads and barked out a round of maniacal laughter.

"Of course it's canon! Don't you know anything about Pokémon? Fucking posers," Giovanni shouted at the ceiling. "Canon is as nonexistent as my eyebrows in this series of fics."

"Kanpai, Kanpai," the Rocket group cheered, watching Madame Boss pound down more whiskey from her flask.

Giovanni continued to sing random karaoke anime songs until his mom yanked the radio's cord out of the wall socket, picked up the radio, and hurled it at the wall. It shattered into pieces, ending the terrible extended karaoke scenes.

"No more wire hangers! I mean karaoke," Madame Boss said. "Now that I'm good and drunk, we're going to catch a Pikachu ourselves rather than relying on these fan favorite simpletons to do it. Your dumb asses can go to the dumpster out back, where you belong. With all the other shitty garbage popular characters nobody should like because I, the Suethor's aggressive hate mouthpiece, don't like them. I only like minor characters like myself that are easier to turn into OCs because you don't have to follow a truck load of pre-established canon characterization. And don't even think about shipping yourselves together! That's my NOTP! Fucking Rocketshipping. It's sick!"

"Awwwwwww," Jessie and James whimpered.

"I HATE popular pairings! I HATE popular characters! HATE, HATE, HATE!" Madame Boss slammed her seven inch stiletto heel into the drywall, leaving a huge hole when she tore it back out. "Now get the fuck out of here, you stupid shitfuckers!" Madame Boss soccer kicked the comedy duo into the air.

"Okay, into the dumpster we go!" Jessie and James yelled while blasting off again toward the dumpster until they were needed by the plot.

Madame Boss whipped out her wallet and opened it. Out spilled the comically large fold of blackmail photos. "Pikachu would be interested in these, right? That's not an absurd thought forced in as unfunny humor."

Miyamoto raised her hand. "I'll capture the Mew, I mean the Pikamew, and make a huge profit," Miyamoto said. "At least I'll try. I might be declared dead in an avalanche after struggling to capture the creature on a precarious mountain range after I become separated from my search group. And then my poor dear beloved cute little girl will be an orphan! Sob! Hopefully no one will fetishize my dead mother status and turn me into their Mary Sue insert proxy and then briefly ship me with Giovanni, ignoring everything in the Birth of Mewtwo canon that made it interesting. Then write us dying over and over in similar stories featuring an avalanche without the Mew in sight or any of my accompanying Rocket members, over and over and over, until we all go insane. I'll tragically end up little more than an empty plot device to make somebody sob hysterically. Forever. Oh well." He tilted her head to one side and smiled. "I can't be upset about it. I lack the ability to do so."

"Shut up, Miyamoto," said Madame Boss, ending Miyamoto's extensive line of dialogue.

"Sorry, Ma'am," said Miyamoto meekly.

And, uh. There's just more stolen scenes from the original anime but without the actual characters featured in those scenes. They're swapped out for these ones here. Wow, so creative. Skipping through all those.

"Ash? Ash who?" Madame Boss yelled. "LOOK, MIYA-CHAN, THERE'S A PIKACHU! CATCH IT FOR ME!" She pointed at Giovanni. "IT'S RIGHT THERE, RESTING ON MY IDIOT SISSY BITCH SON'S HEAD!"

Miyamoto threw a Poké Ball, hitting Giovanni in the face. "Oops! I'm soooo sorry!"

Giovanni clutched his injured handsome face. "I suppose somehow, cosmically, I deserved that."

"You liked it," Madame Boss asserted. "Little biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" She burst into childish giggles. "I hate shipping characters the way they are in canon. Total turn off. I'm in love with a narcissistic fantasy."

Jessie pulled out a large paper fan and began smashing people over the head. "Comedy, comedy! Random access humor! Nihongo desu yo! It's funny, right? Please laugh! Give us reviews! Only positive ones, or you're trolls and will be blocked and reported!"

"I'm only laughing because if I don't, I'll start crying," said Giovanni.

"Enjoy it while you can. This story takes a sudden inexplicable dark turn in the next few seconds," said James, spoiling the twist for everyone.

A wild Mary Sue Pokémon appeared!

It's name was FUCK THE WORLD, I'M THE BEST. It ignored the original character limit because FUCK THE WORLD, IT WAS THE BEST!

It looked exactly like a wolf pup with giant kawaii anime eyes. Wolfaboos and weeaboos combined makes everything far more terrifying. It had a blue and black color scheme, reminiscent of the bruising everyone's got from banging their heads against the desk after trying to read this nonsensical pile. Have fun trying to parse whatever the fuck is going on in any one of these stories or the parodies that tried and failed to make some sense out of them.

"Oh my God, that thing's got to be one of the rarest Digimon's ever! Someone catch it!" Madame Boss ordered.

Everyone face-planted.

The God Sue Pokémon cute sneezed, causing the world to explode in a rainbow colored mushroom cloud.

Everyone died.


	2. Crying and Dying Part 2

CRYING, DYING, TORTURE, HUMILIATION: STARRING IN NAME ONLY POKÉMON CHARACTERS, PART 2

Oh, wait. No.

Almost everyone died.

The plot's few captive lust objects remained to play out the standard torture-death fetish sobbing thing. Remember ever so faintly this was an erratic comedy a few dozen sentences ago? It's gone. Now we are an ultra grimdark gore-torture-suffering-angst fic.

You cannot begin to grasp this story's true form. Embrace the madness. Don't try to fight it. Turn off your brain beyond this point or it may explode in self-defense.

"That was the deadliest Suethor-mon in existence," said Mondo, the extremest of minor characters, in a brief cameo. "It's the ultimate Sue move, ETERNAL SUFFERING! It inflicts death and suffering on all...forever...before it erases itself from existence...out of indignity," he coughed, his words trailing off before he died, blood pouring from his eyes and mouth.

A full paragraph detailed the brutal devastation of the Pokémon earth and how everyone died a horrible slow and painful death thanks to emphasized sadism appeal. Radiation flooded the planet. Rocket Gang was dead, except for the ones that weren't. Poor bastards. The dead are the lucky ones.

Two hours passed before Giovanni came out to do the suffering man-child pain crying out for mommy or his separated OTP Suethor insert waifu scenario everyone does in these fics. Blood oozed from every pore on his body. But he wasn't dead. Somehow. Biology was ineffectual in this universe. As all known logic.

"That's weird," he groaned, spitting out blood. He started sobbing hysterically as the original narrative described how frail and weak he was. But not dead. From an atomic explosion and intense global radiation brought on by a plot device Poké-Sue's final attack. He ran his hand through his hair. It fell out in patches. "That's not good. No one will want to headcanon me into a kawaii uke mangina boy if I'm bald. Weebs hate bald men. Bald means old. No one ships old people! Nooooo!"

Giovanni ran in a circle, fretting over his ruined aesthetics.

"My eyebrows are already gone," Giovanni said, rubbing the spot where the hair had fallen out. He let out a sob, stumbling further through the ashen wasteland before coming to a stop. "Oh, wait. I never had eyebrows. My bad." He continued on into the apocalypse.

Giovanni wandered aimlessly, screaming for his mommy. It was the only thing he knew how to do. After a while, his foot crunched down on some skeletal remains. The flesh was burnt away, but their clothes were in perfect condition so he could recognize them easily? Oh, sure. That's so convenient. Willing suspension of disbelief rendered nonexistent, thanks.

"Look at that. It's all the expendable members of the Rocket Gang the Suethor doesn't care about but needed to include for fandom cred points so they could once again declare themselves the biggest baddest fan of all time. For knowing the names of a handful of minor characters. And nothing else. Speaking of whom. What were their names again? Mondo...Biff...um...Lacey? Ah, whatever. I'm the only character that matters. The preferred love interest male figure fictional boyfriend the author's Sue wants to do the bedroom baby making bump-n-dump with. I am main priority at all times. Watch. The story ends shortly after I die. Every time. Every character lives to worship and serve me, except the ones who want to punish me for having some other girlfriend who they can't stand."

Give it a month, Gio. You'll be quickly replaced by another dude with vaguely similar traits. With a brand new canon Mary Sue girlfriend.

"I won't!" he cried at the voices from the sky. "I will be the Suethor's favorite FOR ALL ETERNITY!" He coughed up some blood, shaking his fist in the air. "For all eternity!"

It's funnier because we have this increasingly long list going on already: Giovanni, Major Domo, Omega Red, Kunzite, Dartz, Pegasus, V.V. Argost, Leonidas Van Rook, Dr. Animo slash D'Void, Captain James Algernon Cloudesley Hook, and so on. They're all interchangeable replacements for Atsushi Sakurai AKA Craig Dragotti. No pattern.

We don't need to discuss the female characters at all because they are ALL absolutely interchangeable plot device stand ins for the Suethor's own self-insert OC, Isabella. They don't matter in the slightest. You could replace them with inanimate objects. I might do that for kicks.

Giovanni trudged off into the decimated ruins of the planet to find his Not Girlfriend and adopted stepMILF so he could cry over them and stuff. Creepy stuff.

"I'm not a charmingly villainous guy who wants to use Pokémon for sinister purposes, I swear," Giovanni said as the original narration began to woobify him like every character with the vaguest bit of asshole attitude or villainous leanings versus kawaii desu yo Mary Sue shipping reasons. We all know which one wins. You can't fight a Mary Sue's power of violent mischaracterization. "I love my mommy dom though she's evil and crazy and cruel to me. She's the Suethor's avatar. And I love my kitty though I don't pay much attention to it and think of it more as a toy than a living creature. I'm a pure cinnamon roll. My life is suffering and torture for the sake of sobbing and excusing all my canonically villainous actions. I'm not bad, somebody made me do it. Melodrama, wangst. Jarring levels of graphic violence mixed in with unfunny comedy on linear repeat. This is the best writing in the whole fandom. If you don't think so, you're a fool and a loser who sucks at writing and playing Hokey Monsters."

Tears shot out of his eyes with the force of a broken fire hydrant. He fantasized about his mommy taking all those weird pictures of him. His inner dialogue crashed into Jessie and James who were only alive thanks to periphery shipping of popular fandom ship purely for attention baiting purposes. And also the website this was posted on had a strict rule there had to be Rocketshipping included for them to host your awful fics. And no icky gay shit. The webmaster has nothing against the gays, but Jessie and James aren't gay, so don't ever make them gay, you disgusting freaks. Pure Christian het ships only. Incest is cool, by the way, long as it's het. That never fails to make me laugh every time I see it.

"Somehow we survived a Mary Sue initiated nuclear blast by hiding in a cellar," said Jessie, clinging to her clumsily force-shipped ultra heterosexual masculine stud boyfriend, James. "It was so harrowing!"

You can tell the Suethor had nothing to go on here. The enthusiasm level is zero. They are an absolute generic male and female ship whose names could be replaced with anything. Watch.

"I was so scared," said Isabella. "I kept sobbing and shrieking like it was the only thing I knew how to do as a woman!"

"There there, I'll protect you from the scary apocalypse now, you female," said Craig.

See. It's even funnier when I substitute inanimate objects.

"I wonder where everyone is," wondered Craig. Er, James. "Probably dead, right?" He started to cry, but then remembered real men don't cry. Only sissy boys do. Gay little bitches. James furiously wiped the budding tears away. "I'm not a little bitch boy, you mean old fujoshis," he whispered, trying to act like he believed it.

"I hope my mom survived," said Jessie. "We have a significant mother theme going on here. Too bad no one cares about me or her as actual characters so much as shallow plot devices to be used and then discarded, same as every other female character who came before them. There's got to be a huge pile built up by now. Rotting, forgotten. Covered in blood, piss, semen, and other unmentionable fluids." She shuddered.

"Semen, yeah," James muttered. "I miss that."

Jessie came to a sudden realization and burst into tears.

"Oh my God, I'm an expendable female character! My only purpose is to suffer and die while a man in the area that the Suethor wishes was her own boyfriend makes out with my face or brutally fucks my feminine baby hole bloody to force the disgustingly cute little screaming babies into it and then cries over my inevitable shitty plot related forced death scene! And I go forgotten while the man's shitty plot related forced pain gets all the focus! It's sheer misogyny wish fulfillment attacking great female characters and reducing them to garbage porn tropes for the sake of sadism and female character bashing! Same as always! It never changes! Noooo!"

"Yeah," James said. He made out with her head heterosexually. "Sucks for you. On the plus side, I'm thankful this person wasn't into yaoi at the time. My characterization here could have been much worse. Now I'm an inexplicable stoic stud muffin manly-man who only fucks vaginas. I mean, baby popping holes. Total top James, yeah!"

Jessie clung to James' broad chest. "I miss my mommy! Oh God! I need to find my mommy!"

"This nightmare will never end," James said in a scary deep voice, growing a thick manly beard and carpet of chest hair. It was still purple. Kinda gay. He licked Jessie's forehead, pulling her roughly to his own body, stroking her flesh as she flailed. "I hope our boss isn't dead. If he is then who's gonna pay us, ha ha, inappropriately timed joke. Laugh, you bastards! Mmm, Jessie. My Jessie." He inhaled her hair with a snort, pulling it into his flared nostrils. "Ooooh yeah. I love the smell of a woman's fear."

"Happy Rocket family, happy Rocket family," Jessie muttered, rocking herself back and forth while hugging her knees to her chest.

We now join Giovanni. Doing what he does best. Stumbling around, screaming for his mommy.

He fell down, not quite dead from radiation poisoning. Just injured enough to make the audience feel bad for him. Only not really. He wanted to be in his mommy's arms again, even if she was a sick fuck who took hundreds of disturbing photos of him and used them to blackmail him. He wanted to make out with her face. He had weird intrusive thoughts about the Suethor's "original" self-insert OC waifu character who repeatedly dies in fires except she was replaced with Madame Boss.

Her name in the regular fic is Isabella. It's always Isabella. There is no way to hide that all characters are interchangeable with the Suethor's self-insert shipping OCs. Who...aren't really OCs at all. They're real living people and characters stolen from existing sources with the names changed and now called Original property. Hm. And then, to make things worse, they did a bait and switch thanks to total desperation for popularity trying to reel in suckers with a fake popular OTP in the fandom, then swapped it out as minor background fodder while the Suethor's minor crack ship took the center focus of the story in an attempt to score validation points. You can't take those accidental clicks back. Clever ruse.

"Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmy!" screamed the little boy.

Huh, we're in a sudden flashback to Gio's childhood.

Little Giovanni burst into heavy sobs and ran to his mother's legs and hugged them. Confusion runs rampant. It's part hallucination, part incredibly disjointed writing. Can't tell. And now another abrupt POV change.

Somehow, of course, Miyamoto also survived the instant eradication of all life on planet earth. The Rocket Gang had a bunch of convenient bomb shelters sitting around in case of such an event that are within range. Lucky. She opened the door and looked out.

"It's upsetting that this story took a turn in this direction." She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye and stepped out into the deadly radiation. "And now I must fulfill my single role in the story: Obsessing over my daughter, who may or may not be dead or being molested by the only male in the vicinity who gets turned into a possible rapist in the face of sadistic and desperate Suethor appeal to fandom popularity, and then I die to make a man sob hysterically."

She skipped rather cheerfully into the ashen wasteland, humming a tune.

"Oh Musashi-chan! Jessie? Jessie! Where are you?" she called out. No answer.

She paused to check her makeup in a nearby broken window. She gasped in shock upon seeing her mangled face.

"EEK! MY ONCE GORGEOUS FACE IS HIDEOUS! THAT'S THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS HERE! BECAUSE OF MY VAGINA! And now back to looking for my daughter."

She skipped merrily off again.

She paused after a few dozen skips and a lack of breath, panting while fighting against her internal organs shutting down one by one. She ran her hand through her hair, finding it to be falling out.

"OH MY GOD, NOW MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT! THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER AND I MUST LOOK FOR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN!"

Miyamoto took two steps forward before noticing the ash in the sky.

"Oh dear. Nuclear winter? That's a bad sign. Well, back to looking for my daughter while repeatedly informing the audience that I need to be looking for my daughter. It's the only thing I exist in this story to do. Besides die so some hysterically sobbing man pain can happen. It's not my horrific death that's sad, but the fact that the Suethor's fictional boyfriend now has an excuse to cry hysterically over it. It's the manufacturing of excuses we live for."

She took another step forward before falling on her face.

Back in the impending rape-is-love cellar...eugh.

"James," said Jessie, shoving James off her. "Quit trying to not so subtly rape me with your bad characterization and do something constructive. Go look outside and see if the deadly radiation is still around."

"Okay," James said before he got up and did just that. "I'm as big of an idiot as anyone else here, so I'll assume it's all clear. Oh, look! It's snowing!"

"Really? I fucking love snow! It reminds me of my childhood!" Jessie jumped up and ran outside in it, playing and laughing. She stuck out her tongue to taste a snowflake. She started gagging. "Oh my God, this isn't snow! It's gross ASH!" She screamed and used her palms to rub her tongue, worrying that some of it might be burnt human corpses mixed in there.

And she was angry.

"Ha ha, ash? Ash like in Ash Ketchum? Dubs are for losers," said James. "Wait, what?"

"I'm so glad to be out in all this deadly radiation dying more slowly instead of killed in the blast that wiped out all the expendable characters no one cared about because they weren't some belligerent infamous Mary Suethor's temporary shipping fodder," said Jessie. "Even though I will become an expendable character due to my unfortunate possession of a vagina in the face of deeply misogynistic writing and the fact they despise my character's popularity versus Miyamoto or Madame Boss." She developed a glum expression. "Whoop-de-fucking-doo."

James grabbed her and began kissing her head again until he got hair in his mouth. Disgusted, he spit it out. "Ew, gross!"

"Why is my hair in your mouth? Are you trying to eat me?" Jessie gasped. "We don't have to resort to cannibalism yet, James! Give it a few days!"

"Your hair is falling out. It must be the heavy dose of radiation that we thought was safe to expose ourselves to," said James. "Oopsie."

Jessie screamed, pulling out handfuls of her own hair. "The only thing that matters in a woman's life is her appearance! Especially in life or death situations. We must be aesthetically pleasing whether our health is failing or we're about to die in the Poké-apocalypse. That is the normal priority for female characters at all times. I know I'm pretty vain in canon, but this is pushing it."

"Blame the media," said James, shrugging. "No one wants to see an ugly woman. Especially not during an apocalypse. They want to see lots of titties and anal sex scenes! At least that's what the focus groups seem to dictate."

Jessie panicked and tried to run back to the cellar, but James had her firmly by the elbow, a woman's most significant weak point. She could not break free.

"The media also tends to prioritize that whole end of the world instantaneous sex scenarios between a man and an emotionally distraught vagina," said James, licking his lips. "How's about we get to that trope so we don't die virgins?"

Jessie started wailing. "I don't like this pairing! Why can't I just be my own character outside relation to a male?"

"Your vagina," said James. "Come on, Jessie. Don't be like that. As a Fan Preferred Couple, we have to repopulate the earth. It's our duty to the audience!"

"What audience? Besides, I'd rather be shipped with Giovanni," Jessie wailed louder.

James' face turned red. Various veins bulged on his forehead. "WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING? HE'S A WHINY ADULT-BABY GAY LITTLE SISSY BITCH WHO HAS CRIPPLING MOMMY ISSUES THAT RENDER HIM COMPLETELY DYSFUNCTIONAL," he fumed, shaking her violently. "UNLIKE ME, FOR ONCE! THANK GOD!"

Back wherever Giovanni, the whiny adult-baby gay little sissy bitch who has crippling mommy issues that render him completely dysfunctional as presented by the original story here, was.

Giovanni struggled not to die even though he wanted to rather than suffer through whatever the hell this story keeps forcing him to endure.

"I'm dizzy. I'm nauseous. My hair's falling out. My flesh is burned. I'm dying. I can't deny that for much longer. But I'm still a hot uke twink boy, right?" He collapsed to his knees. He had a few patches of hair left, so maybe. "Mommy? No...what are you doing with that camera, mommy? I'm taking a poopie! Please, no! Not again! I'm 17 years old! I can make poopies by myself!"

He collapsed into the rubble, sobbing and delirious.

One more abrupt POV change later, here's Miyamoto again.

Miyamoto continued to wander aimlessly with the sole purpose of her existence being to reunite with her daughter while bemoaning her smeared makeup and split ends before she eventually died so a man could sob hysterically over her plot device corpse. She burst into tears.

"I hope my daughter's not dead. Oh, bye. The story POV is rapidly moving on again."

Back in the bunker of periphery Rocketshipping with creepy overtones.

Jessie scream-sobbed. "I might as well have bubblegum in my hair!"

"Huh? What?" James said, turning to her. "Sorry, I was thinking about dicks. I mean boobs. BOOBS! I am a huge fan of breasts. And pussy. I will tear that pussy up. With my manly dick. That I have. It's very big. Women like that, right?" He trailed off, mumbling to himself about dicks.

"I said I might as well have bubblegum in my hair."

"Oh, okay. Um...Why?"

"I don't know. That was the original line and also the title of one of these repeatedly copy-pasta'd BDSM Mary Sue OC insanityfests disguised as Pokémon fanfics. I hope it's not the same thing but with the words slightly altered so the Suethor can claim it's a, sarcasm quotes implied, Brand New Story."

"Oh."

"It probably is."

"Yeah, that would be the most realistic scenario."

"I hate reality."

"Same."

They shared an awkward silence.

"Anyway! I'm going bald and trying my best to ignore the fact that I'm dying of radiation poisoning. Also my mom might be dead. These are the only thoughts I can manufacture," Jessie sobbed.

"Don't think about it," said James. He slid his arms around Jessie and pulled her back to him. "Just think about me. A man. A very sexy man. Very stoic, manly, sexy masculine man. Here to comfort you in your time of need. With my very manly and very heterosexual penis. Hard, throbbing, thick, meaty magnificent penis. Oooh, yeah." He groaned, thinking about dicks again. Soon he snapped out of it and stared into Jessie's eyes, looking demented. He shook her violently. "JESSIE, I NEED TO A PUT A BABY INTO YOUR BELLY IN ORDER TO VALIDATE MY MANLINESS! I'M NOT GAY!" he yelled. "BEING GAY IS FUCKING GROSS AND HOW DARE THE FANDOM RUIN THESE COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL CHARACTERS BY IMPLYING THEY COULD BE PERVERTED SINFUL FUDGE-PACKING GAYS!"

"I want out of this story and the parody of it as well," Jessie reasoned with the last bit of her sanity.

"Shhhhhhhhh," James said. He pet her bald head way too hard, gripping her forcefully. "There, there, you woman. There, there."

"James, you're hurting me," Jessie gasped.

"No I'm not. Females love it when men are rough with them," James said, lolling his tongue around his mouth. "The ten thousand Harlequin romances and YA lit I've read throughout my life told me so. Now give me your virginity, as our creator God has deemed to mankind. I'm going to put a baby in your stomach. Not the uterus. It's going to hurt even worse when it comes out. Because I don't know human anatomy and neither do you thanks to this stupid fanfic."

"No!" Jessie cried, prying his hands off her tits. "I don't do the forced popular shipping pandering bullshit! And I do know my own anatomy. Babies don't go there and the vagina should never be tight or unlubricated during sex! Also pregnancy doesn't fucking happen right after you have sex. It takes a few days to a week for implantation to occur. Conception itself takes a few hours to days. It's called research. Anyone can do it if they want to be a good writer. Now hands off me, bad writer fueled OOC scum who vaguely looks like the James I used to know, made even worse by the parody in order to emphasize it! You fucking psycho!"

"But my penis, Jessie," James sobbed. "My penis is unhappy! Stop emasculating me!" Like all males in bad fanfictions when a female doesn't do exactly what they want when they demand it, James became increasingly angry and irrational. "Popular philosophy states that women are inferior biological servants to men. That means technically since I'm the only man here, you're my property. Now give me your feminine hole so I can brag about shagging you to my friends and never call you unless it's to beg for money!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Jessie breathed, trying to push him away when he slobbered all over her. "This over exaggerated gag keeps on going. I hate fics where James turns into this fuckwit walking stereotype of derogatory hyper masculinity by a shitty writer who thinks they have to do that in order to ship him with a female character."

"I'll make you gag on something, woman," James said, trying not to cry. "I mean slut!" He collapsed into Jessie's arms, a sobbing wreck. "Oh, God, Jessie, I'm sorry! I can't help myself! Something is compelling me to do this and I can't fight it! I feel like I'm losing my mind. Literally!"

"This is awkward for both of us," Jessie said, patting him on the back. "It's okay. I forgive you."

"I feel so dirty," James whispered into her ear. "Are the cameras still on?"

"Yes. Somebody's always watching. Probably masturbating," said Jessie. "Even to the parodies."

"At least this wasn't yaoi," James sobbed.

"I know. If it was, I'd be turned into the shrieking violent harpy stereotype of a female character so everyone involved could bash me worse than they tend to," Jessie sobbed back.

"And my anus would be bleeding," James whimpered, trying to wipe away the river of snot pouring from his nose. "Also I miss Meowth."

"Me too," Jessie sobbed.

They both sobbed loud and hard, but nobody cared about them due to being popular non-minor characters, so it wasn't sexy or anything.

Meanwhile, the radiation had assumed sentience and was out to murder both Miyamoto and Giovanni.

And here's Giovanni again.

"Shit, shit, I've got a huge bald spot now and no one will think I'm hot anymore and I have no idea where I'm going," Giovanni said. "And my mommy fetish is getting more noticeable by the second." He looked up into the sky, whimpering. "And all I can do is inform the audience of the actions I'm performing due to terrible 2nd grade writing." He let out a hoarse sob. "Oh, Mommy! Come pick me up from school and tell me all the bad things can't hurt me anymore! Please lie to me! Provide me with the narcissistic validation I crave! After all, I got it from you!"

He tripped over a carcass.

Surprise, it was his dead pet Persian.

"I don't care about my dead beloved pet all of a sudden. My gross pedophile asshole of a mom who is totally not the Suethor's creepy fucking self-validation insert is way more important. So is my increasingly obvious and bizarre incestuous love for Miyamoto, my hurt-comfort fueling adopted stepmother, who I sometimes want to fuck, depending on the plot," he said, staring down at it before stepping over the carcass and continuing on his way. "Either that or her daughter. Who's my step sister. Oh well. All those other popular incest shippers in the fandom are fucking gross, amirite, guys? Ha ha, anyway, I wanna bang Miyamoto."

Speaking of whom.

Miyamoto lifted her head. "Oops. Looks like I'm done for. Sorry, Jessie. I've failed to find you." Her head fell back to the ground with a loud thunk as she died.

Dead Mother trope quota successfully fulfilled. Take a drink.

Oops, wait. We can't say die. We have to say sleep. The big sleep. All this brutal stuff going on and we're afraid to say die? Pshhhft.

She was DEAD. Fucking DEAD. She DIED. Dead as a doornail. She was no more. Ceased to be. Expired. And then her bowels released.

Giovanni continued to walk without any real direction all the while having obsessive thoughts about his mother who was now the best mother in the universe and not a disgustingly abusive piece of shit when the plot called for it. So which is it? Make up your mind already.

"Mommy used to coddle me as a baby and make out with my face repeatedly," Giovanni informed everyone. "That's cute, right?"

It's just a jump to the left. And then a step to the right. Let's do the POV warp again.

"Okay, starting to get worried about the prospect of dying a virgin again," James said as he assumed the position. He held his knees and rocked back and forth. His right eye twitched in time to a ticking clock on the wall. Three minutes of silence passed. "Ah, I can't take it! I'm cracking! I NEED TO BUST A NUT!"

He got up and ran for the door.

"That's it! I'm going back out there and die like a real man. Fucking the empty eye socket of someone's skull."

"No, James, wait," Jessie shouted, reaching out to him. She lowered her hand. "No, on second though. Go ahead." He was a lost cause and the story was going nowhere anyway.

James peered out into the wasteland. "Hey, wait. I think I see someone. I hope it's conveniently going to be our boss so I can make one final badly timed joke about not getting paid."

Yeah, it was.

Giovanni crawled along on his stomach toward the bunker, groaning while bleeding everywhere. "Mommy? Mommy! Where'd she go?"

"I'm going to laugh if she too somehow survived all this without a scratch because she's yet another dominant favorite author favored self-insert canon Sue character," said James. "With the emphasis on dominant."

Giovanni started to sob hysterically again. "Sad feels! I have many of them right now. And they all hurt a lot. Also my failing organs. Those hurt real bad. But not enough to kill me until the Suethor's finished wringing me dry of all that juicy emotional trauma."

"Me too," Jessie cried. "I hate slowly and painfully dying for no real reason. Why couldn't this have stayed a stupid but otherwise harmless dumbass comedy? What the hell is going on?"

"Fetishy OOC nonsense rendering all characters involved into either simple plot devices and Mary Sues for the sole sake of author titillation?" James suggested the honest truth.

"That's it," Giovanni said, coughing up more foamy blood. "Oh well. I think I'm done here. The Suethor doesn't want to write anymore, same as every fic they try to do and you see where they visibly lose interest after the violence death orgasm halfway toward the end after their fictional boyfriend kicks the bucket, so I'm gonna die now and the story will cut off abruptly after a few minutes. There's no point to keep going when the Suethor's male love interest center focus character is written out. The world dies with him."

Giovanni rolled on his back and accepted his fate.

"If you die, who's gonna pay us, HA HA HA," James said. He grabbed Jessie's butt and gave it a hard squeeze. "JESSIE, LET ME BLOW MY LOAD IN YOUR SLUTTY LITTLE MOUTH, YOU STUPID WORTHLESS BITCH!"

Jessie punched James in the face, knocking him down. "Ship that, you OOC loving misogynist fuckwit. Sorry, James. I was talking about the Suethor."

"I know. But I was mischaracterized so badly, I deserved that," James conceded.

"Hmph!" Giovanni repeated his line from BoM yet again. He turned away from the pair of OOC morons. "By the way, if the Suethor's avatar, ah, I mean, my mom does show up, tell her she ruined my life and I hope she rots in the hottest bowels of Hell. Aaaah, I mean, I love her and forgive her for all the vile shit she's done to me. Like a good little submissive sissy boy. Weak and powerless, and oh so vulnerable. And sexy in my humiliatingly frilly lace panties. Sobbing forever. The way she likes." He seized up, twitching and coughing. "It's canon!"

"Okay, Boss," said Jessie and James in unison.

They stood there and watched their former boss die slowly and in pain.

"Are you dead yet, Boss?" James asked. He got no response. He sniffed the air and recoiled in disgust. "Yep, he's dead." James placed hands to his temples, pretending to be upset at the sickening death they had witnessed. "Oh, no! Now how do we get paid? Ha ha, the joke's funnier the more you repeat it, right?" He turned to stare at Jessie's ass. "I can't help it. This is depressing."

"So sad he never got to say goodbye to his mommy," said Jessie. "No one cares that I didn't get to see my own mother. Female characters are irrelevant to the designated love interest man's fee-fees. Feh! I loathe Suethors. They put us through the most pain and it goes ignored over some dick. I mean that figuratively and literally." She looked around. "Okay, I can feel my lungs shutting down. Thank goodness. I was tired of waiting to get out of this terrible story. Goodbye, cruel insane world!"

She collapsed and expired.

James was the only one alive.

"Uh. Okay then. This is how it ends?" James stared at the two dead bodies, leaving the audience with many uncomfortable insinuations. "Welp!" He unzipped, reaffirming those uncomfortable insinuations. "Now that's an inappropriately timed joke!"

The closing revealed Madame Boss was alive and well in another shelter and somehow she had video cameras everywhere that taped her son's death from every angle so she could watch it. How is never mentioned nor explained, like everything else in the story.

"You think this one's bad? There's twenty more where this came from," said Madame Boss before exploding into crazed laughter. "And I'm in all of them! See you in a few minutes."

THE END


	3. Frozen Part 1

FROZEN TO DEATH IN A RECURRENT BLIZZARD  
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants  
Hey, remember that last fic? Let's do the same thing, but crank up the uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh factor a few dozen levels higher.

FROZEN TO DEATH IN A RECURRENT BLIZZARD, PART 1

A huge paragraph describing everyone's favorite minor character mother figure splashed onto onto the floor like a bucket of fresh, steaming diarrhea.

"I look like that photo of me from the radio drama CD picture book insert," said the infernal Madame Boss, baddest bitch to exist in all of anime land. "And yes, I am the supreme leader of the Rocket Gang. Let's repeat it a few more times for good measure to reinforce that point. I don't think the audience gets it. I'm the best character." She snapped her fingers in a Z formation, giving a sassy head swivel. "I am better than everyone else in this franchise! Because I only appeared once! I'm deliciously rare. Also I'm the Suethor's personal avatar. Pretend not to notice."

She slammed a button on her office PA system.

"Everyone, get in here."

They were there instantly in the next scene and it was casual Friday.

"Nice to see all the fresh meat today," she said, her eyes specifically described as sadistic for reasons we should all be familiar with by now. "You all know the drill. I'm an infamous BDSM baby play loving incestuous weeb furry yaoi combo platter shipping pedo. I have no other characterization than that. I exit only to be hateful and murderously torturous to all the fictional husbandos and waifus. And by proxy, everyone else will be involved in my personal masturbation fantasies and jealousy of those around me with relationships, whether they want to or not. That means your first day will one hell of an experience. I'll make certain of it. By the way, here's your uniforms. I got them for cheap in bulk."

She took out a cardboard box and threw it on the floor. Out spilled the familiar uniforms of each team set of the Rocket Gang members. This paragraph went on for way too long. What is it with Suethors and clothing description porn? Spend some time detailing anything else. Namely something important to the story. Unlike the signature clothing everyone already knows the characters wear unless they're a moron or unfamiliar with the source material.

"Feel free to get the girls and boys suits mixed up so I can laugh at you for breaking the violently normalized gender roles I wank to," she said.

Everyone picked out their normal canon outfits after about fifteen minutes of shuffling through the strewn pile of clothing and went to dress before coming back.

"Ha ha, enjoy the useless filler. None of this matters and it's all being used to stretch out the story from three sentences to seventy," Madame Boss yelled, spinning in her chair until she got dizzy.

"So now what?" asked one of the many unnamed and irrelevant Rocket members.

"Now I force you to submit to me before you vanish forever, never to be seen or used in the story again. Word for stolen word copy-pasted lyrics to the Rocket Gang's most beloved motto, but with me speaking it instead of Jessie, James, and Meowth," declared Madame Boss. "You should know it by heart, you fucking weebs! In English and Nihongo. Nanda kanda to kikare tara..."

"Sekai no hakai o fusegu tame! Sekai no heiwa o mamoru tame! Ai to shinjitu no aku o tsuranuku! Raburii chaamii na kataki yaku! Ginga o kakeru Roketto dan no futari niwa! Howaito hooru, shiroi ashita ga matteruze!"

"Right," said Madame Boss evilly, pacing in front of them. She turned on her heel, pointing at them. They flinched. "Now, repeat."

They obeyed, repeating it in a fearful monotone over and over for an hour until she was satisfied.

"Okay," Madame Boss said, clapping her hands. "Now you go out and steal Pokémons so I can make a profit." She spun around. "Notice how this Suethor projects herself onto distinctively greedy characters. Mayhaps someone called her greedy in real life so now all greedy characters are a reversal or extension of that hate and lust for revenge. But what do I know? I'm being used as an obvious author insert! Among others with the same suspicious characterization. Whooooooops! Ignore everything I demonstrated previously. I feel the need to bitch about my little BRAT, BRAT, BRAT, SPOILED BRAT boy at home again for fifteen thousand more sentences!"

She locked eyes with the secondary favorite canon Sue, Miyamoto, standing in the dark corner, waiting for her purpose in the plot to initiate an exposition dump.

"Get over here, subservient and virtuous and most of all massively out of character buddy of mine."

Miyamoto obediently skipped forward. "Yes, Ma'am?"

"We need to talk about our horrible selfish little brat children again," said Madame Boss, tapping her watch.

"Okay!" Miyamoto pulled out a photo from her purse. "My daughter is Musashi, or Jessie, if you're a baka gaijin who prefers dubs, and she's six years old, and very nice and cute! She's-"

Madame Boss waved her hand dismissively. "Yeah, sure, whatever. My horrible brat boy at home is two. He's so expensive. I really fucking hate him. I wish he'd die. How the fuck did this person make this desperate reach from a single brief line of dialogue so obviously misinterpreted for a shallow purpose? Also, hot damn, Jessie is 6, Giovanni is 2, and we're already forcing them into an aggressive heterosexual relationship with a clearly established beginner's age gap fetish overtone. Nice! Ha ha ha!"

"That's shipping for you," chirped Miyamoto.

And interestingly enough, Delia doesn't exist. Or maybe Athena. Or Meowth. Or Apollo. Or hell, even Domino if we're pushing boundaries. If we're doing mainly Giovanni ships, that's a really funny part these characters are ALL ignored in favor of Miyamoto or Jessie. Also why is Jessie somehow older than Giovanni? Explain, please. I won't hold my breath. We all know these select female characters were thrown into Giovanni's arms because they're the only ones the Suethor knows or cares about from the franchise. And cue the rimshot. No, make it a gong.

"No ongoing years long pattern," said Madame Boss and Miyamoto together.

"Brat, brat, brat! Sissy fetish domestic abuse pedophilia! My character is blown so far out of proportion, I might as well be called Madame OC. Or maybe Sasha. Or should that be V.V. Argost?" She rifled through her desk drawer and pulled out an unsettling porcelain doll face mask, laughing as she held it up in front of her own face. "Get it? In-joke! Ha ha ha. Anyway, I fucking hate kids. They're horrible. And expensive. Little brats. I wish the one I shit out would fucking die. Slowly and painfully, if possible. With lots of screaming and crying. In their underwear. And chains. Whips and chains! Torture dungeon!" She laughed psychotically, thrashing her head around so her hair flew in multiple directions. "This is my whole characterization! It never changes! It only gets worse."

Miyamoto nodded submissively. "Please inform the possible existing audience how the Suethor of this fic prefers Giovanni's characterization. Er, I mean, how your little baby boy is and how he acts in the actual canon."

After adjusting her hair back into place, Madame Boss went over to her desk and sat on the edge. She began picking her nose.

"He screams a lot and hugs my legs and has no free will of his own. He imitates me endlessly. Meaning he's growing into a very fucked up person, seeing how I spend most of my hours counting my coins, binge drinking, eating junk food, beating the cat, masturbating, singing karaoke, torturing small innocent animals, watching violent degradation fetish porn, being a generally manipulative and controlling paranoid narcissistic bitchlord who can't stand seeing anyone else in a relationship or getting more attention than me, demanding everyone around me submit to my whims every waking moment, pining over my unnamed ex-husband who got the fuck out of dodge once he realized what he'd gotten into, obsessing over my own sadistic pedophile mommy, writing depraved fanfiction on the internet about myself being the greatest person to exist, and throwing or breaking things while screaming and blaming everyone else for my problems because I refuse to be held responsible for any wrong I have ever done."

Miyamoto tilted her head to one side. "Oh, well. That's disturbing."

Madame Boss jumped up. "OF COURSE IT IS, MIYAMOTO-CHAN! By the way, did you notice how in every one of these stories the main character male love interest only has two to three friendly characters who the narration will control and force to worship one of the Suethor's own stand in characters? They live to serve and nothing more. They can't do anything outside what the repeating romantic plot tumor dictates. No correlation!" She spun once in her chair. "Even I, the Suethor avatar, suffer from this oppressive control. I have no designated ship of my own to sustain me, so I'm forced to waste all my time getting petty revenge on those around me who do. I can't have a life outside this. I can't have my proper canon characterization. Not even a vague hint of it. I'm a plot device as well. But mostly the Suethor's traumatic gory torture death fetish initiation vehicle for ripping apart any popular OTP placed in my bitterly jealous warpath. Does it show?" She broke into more screeching psychotic laughter.

Miyamoto nodded submissively. "Mm hmm, mmm hmm. That's not as interesting as finishing up the tedious redundant exposition on Giovanni's abandonment issues. Where's his dad? And also, this has been a weird and random conversation with everyone else standing here, watching us, right?"

"Yes, but we're slogging through this to the end. So shut up and read that script." She grabbed the bottle of vodka from her desk drawer and a giant glass and began pouring. "A mysteriously convenient illness killed my baby daddy before Giovanni was born. Like in every story where we don't want to spent time crafting a reason for one parental figure to be absent from the child's life or a realistic death scenario. Because if we said DIVORCE or they went out to get milk and never came back, it'd be too obvious what these Suethors are basing all their projected issues onto fictional characters off of all the time, and then claiming to be canon for some twisted reason. Also writing out actual backstory? Who the fuck has time for that!"

"Someone who enjoys writing fanfiction about a piece of media they care about and who isn't doing it simply as a way to get the attention their narcissistic personality craves every waking moment," Miyamoto offered.

"Buuuulllllshit," Madame Boss snarled. "What are you, crazy, girl? There is no point of doing anything if it's not for gaining quick empty praise as validation from your lowly and inferior peers. Mamma needs her daily fix of gloating superiority!"

And this frustrated mommy-daddy-baby family exposition dumping goes on and on.

Skippity dippity.

Miyamoto brought out a pair of reading glasses and continued with her script. "Does a babysitter watch him while you're gone?"

"YES, MOVE THE FUCK ON WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT SCENARIO! WE'VE SEEN IT BEFORE DOZENS OF TIMES ALREADY! IT NEVER CHANGES," Madame Boss said, yanking the paper from Miyamoto's hands. She crumpled it and threw it over her shoulder. "This is all hilariously irrelevant to this franchise. It's just the Suethor's fixation with the tragic parental issues sobbing melodramatic backstory trauma wangst they force onto every villainous male character in order to excuse all their wrong doings and make it look like they became evil against their will. Boo fucking hoo. Over and over and over again. With the sobbing and underwear and the torture death scenes and Chinese food. What the fuck does any of that have to do with Pokémon? Nothing! That tangent aside, my bratty son's going to be the leader of the Rocket Gang soon, whether he wants to or not. Get it? I forced him to be evil! Otherwise he's sweet and innocent and perfect and a loving precious innocent sweet kawaii daddypants who loves everything and would never hurt a living being. Because Mary Sues and copious amounts of internalized guilt. We can't admit to loving a villain who's a villain. Because no murderous and cruel sexy white man we want to fuck can be a villain, or it causes us to feel a deep sense of shame we don't want to admit having, and we need to make up excuses for why they aren't bad, so we can justify our kawaii deluded love that they won't ever hurt or betray us, their DESIGNATED ONE SPECIAL EXCEPTION, uwu!" She made a wet fart noise with her mouth.

"Are you going to torture and humiliate him?"

"Oh, you bet. You can't have a story like this without a traumatic backstory. Or gratuitous rape thrown in as drama that excuses all evils done by the Suethor's new fictional boyfriend. Perfect cinnamon roll wearing leather pants! Fuck canon right in its ass!"

Miyamoto sighed. "Oh dear. I see now. It's the same thing written over and over again with different character names."

"Yeah, so nice of you to finally notice. So, how's your daughter? Did she eat any whole chocolate cakes lately?" Madame Boss asked, laughing while reclining in her chair, looking impossibly bored. She brought out a nail file and began filing the points on her huge talons to further sharpness. "Ugly little fatty."

"She's very cute and nice," Miyamoto said, smiling placidly. "Like me. I'm the token perfect female character to the male interest. I am a random name pasted onto generic acceptable female tropes. I can do no wrong. Except when I do and it goes ignored for the sake of the plot."

Madame Boss laughed. "Yeah, I'm sure that's where young Jessica inherited her love of inhaling loads of unhealthy deserts from when she was a baby and blissfully ignoring all the creepy incest overtones popping up, right. You sure do seem to wanna watch your daughter fuck your newly adopted stepson if you're not the one who's gonna be fucking him. Token perfect female, ha ha. Pull the other one. Hypocrite!" She rolled her eyes. "Kids are such bullshit anyway. I dunno why women are always encouraging each other to pump them out by the dozens. They're too fucking expensive and then they have the audacity to act like individuals with free wills of their own sometimes!"

"Well. In my deeply religious family upbringing, when a man wants to screw, we have to obey because we're his legally owned property. Also birth control is frowned upon, so there's that. We have a nice perfect family though. I don't know any better and assume all relationships are the same. As unhealthy and unfulfilling as mine."

Madame Boss again laughed sharply. "So misery loves company, basically? Come on, Miya-chan. Is Jessie a LITTLE BRAT GIRL? Answer the question. You know she is."

"She's nice and cute and sweet and here's a photo of her I carry around with me exactly like in Birth of Mewtwo. I can't do anything else but repeat what's in the original transcript text or conform to a repeating sex-torture-death fetish scenario somebody called canon. I don't know how to do anything else. I should be worried, but I can't be." She showed Madame Boss the photo. "Jessie is adorable, isn't she?"

"Yeah, whatever. She looks fat and annoying and I hate her for being more popular than me."

"It's only baby fat. She's cute and nice. She'll be a Rocket Gang member one day. Unless the original narration wants her to be a perfect female stereotype as well. Then we'll need to make up an excuse on why she was forced to work for an evil company against her will." Miyamoto rifled through her purse again. "Luckily, I have a list of excuses right here in case of such an emergency!"

"Uh huh. And I'll bet any one of those excuses will involve her being raped," said Madame Boss, rolling her eyes again in the opposite direction. "And then we'll get an overtly sexualized flashback. This shit always ends up being somebody's ongoing fetish in disguise of exploring an actual plot." Madame Boss began making fart noises with her armpits and laughing like a rabid hyena. "I could do this the entire fic and it would be more entertaining than the actual dialogue and plot we got going on here."

And here we go with honest to God copying word for word the actual BoM transcript, switching things around in it to make as little sense as possible. Such creativity.

"In the original transcript, I showed you a tape of Mew in the jungle making the cute little mews," said Miyamoto with her eerie perpetual smile. "Like a kitty-witty. Cats are every Suethor's spirit animal. Sometimes wolves."

"And I called you Miyamoto-chan and asked if you were making good money these days," said Madame Boss, returning a sadistic grin. "Except I wasn't a crazed Suethor's angry BDSM fetish hated character torturing insert in the original. I was a somewhat shrewd and mysterious business woman with an overall charming personality. Like my idiot man-child sissy bitch son. Who's also nothing like that in the actual canon."

"Yes!" Miyamoto nodded. "And you asked me if the tape would be profitable and I said, no, it's not for sale. We need this recording. And I started talking about our expensive Team Rocket microphones. But the microphones were replaced by my photo of Jessie."

Again, this Suethor even stole the script format and the miscapitalisations that went with it. Way to go.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. You can Google the radio drama transcript and check it against the original fic and see how much was copied, hahahaha." Madame Boss shook her head. "How pathetic!"

"And the tape and the rest of the story, including Mewtwo, Dr. Fuji, and Ai, are now irrelevant," Miyamoto said cheerfully, raising her hands in the air. "Like everything."

Madame Boss yawned. "Ain't it always. In the radio drama, I'm stingy as fuck. A penny pincher at every available opportunity. Says nothing about me being a crazed serial torturer of children and animals, but whatever. Edgy darkfic is law around here. Who cares about Pokémon canon? It's just a radio drama turned into a bizarre self-insert fantasy by completely ignoring everything that was the main focus of it and adding whatever the fuck else we have more interest in. That would be loads of emasculation BDSM male-sub scenes and violent rapey shit, with tons of sobbing angsty yet unintentionally hilarious death scenes, of course. And kitties. And man-children. And karaoke!"

"And babies. And sometimes ghosts," said Miyamoto, nodding

"Yeah, fucking ghosts, whatever! Or vampires." Madame Boss shoved a lamp off her desk in a fit of rage. "I don't care about that. I want more torture! More violence! More blood! More death! Also I want that tape with the Mew's annoying fangirl squealing on it. I mean your photo of your fatass daughter. How much do you want for it? I'm going to haggle you to death for the sake of a lame joke."

"Anyhoo, this tape that's now the photo of my perfect cute little girl is not for sale," said Miyamoto recovering from her animu pratfall.

"More references to the 50% off bargaining, hahaha," Madame Boss said. "I'm so fucking cheap! But the real joke is I keep trying to get Miyamoto to sell me the photo of her daughter for a disturbingly lengthy period."

"Hmm, yes, this keeps going for an uncomfortably long length." Miyamoto backed away, unnerved at the length of this gag. When Madame Boss went to get her purse, she screamed and ran.

"Oh, come on Miyamoto-chan! I swear I didn't want to buy that photo of your cute adorable daughter to slap my ham to. I'm not a predator! I'm just written like one," called Madame Boss, tilting her head to one side to show confusion. That's the only way any character can show confusion. She snorted and covered her mouth with her hand before turning to the fourth wall and whispering, "No, I did. I'm a clearly established pedophile, like many characters this person has written so ridiculously OOC. Utterly no shame. Tee hee!"

Miyamoto came back, compelled to see how bad the writing would get.

Madame Boss flashed some yen at her, grinning. Miyamoto ran away again. This way too long bizarre comedy skit served what purpose?

"NONE," said Madame Boss, throwing the yen into the air. "That's the point! The whole point is that there wasn't any. Useless filler bullshit! Without it, we wouldn't be able to call anything a story! It'd be three sentences long."

"I feel sorry for everyone involved in this story since we're trapped under the thumb of a Suethor who's more than a bit...obsessed!" said Miyamoto.

Meanwhile, Miyamoto went back to heteroing over her daughter and Giovanni hooking up as her favorite OTP.

She ran all the way home so she could be with her CUTE, ADORABLE daughter. Guess Miyamoto didn't have any work to do that day. Not that she's good at her job anymore thanks to the writing.


	4. Frozen Part 2

FROZEN TO DEATH IN A RECURRENT BLIZZARD, PART 2

Oh, and now a time skip.

16 years later.

Giovanni finally became Rocket Gang's boss and here's a large paragraph of the Suethor telling the audience how much Madame Boss obsessed over her two favorite tragic cuckoldry torture abuse ship characters. Yeah, we get it by now. Stop beating the audience over the head with it. WE KNOW. God. Please, stop already. No one cares. Shoving your shipping fetishes down the fandom's throat will only make everyone cares less or become enraged. No one is obligated to ship the same shit as you. This is not a hard concept to grasp.

And now the only part that mattered in this insane tragedy of far too many words: The Suethor's preferred OTP was to hook up. Huzzah. Finally. The moment you've all been waiting for.

Giovanni rushed down the stairs of his mansion, and...wait, what?

He walked out the door of the mansion. And across the street, Miyamoto and Musashi were eating snow in their cabin?

Did I read this right? Everyone is literally twelve feet from each other at any given time in any universe in any fictional franchise?

This happens in every fucking fic, I swear.

We don't like writing anything outside a ridiculously tight, unchanging group of stupid plot conveniences, do we, Suethor-sama.

"Nope. Viva la Plot Convenience," shouted Giovanni, racing across the street to the cabin situated in the Andes.

There was a knock on the door. Miyamoto jumped up to get it. She opened the door to reveal none other than Giovanni or Sakaki or Craig or Kunzite or Omega Red or Pegasus or Captain James Algernon Cloudesley Hook or Craig Dragotti or V.V. Argost or Van Rook or whoever he is because he's all the same man with interchangeable names. Remember, it's by default Buck-Tick singer, Atsushi Sakurai, circa Darker Than Darkness -Style 93-. But now he's Giovanni. From Pokémon. And this is all 100% canon. Because...um. It just is, okay? Don't question it.

Drinking helps.

"Hi, I wanna bang your cute and nice and sweet and innocent adorable daughter who is my new Suethor self-insert love interest with whom I am Satoshi Tajiri affirmed canonical soulmates with," he said before coughing. "I mean, uh, plot convenient way to introduce me since the Suethor couldn't think of anything else. Writing is hard. Thinking is harder. No other characters exist in this years long running franchise outside us. At least we try to keep it that way." He winked.

Miyamoto gasped. "Come in then!"

Musashi or Jessie, or Isabella, whichever you prefer, the name doesn't matter because she's an interchangeable female character, ran in and acted stereotypically animu moe girl shy, blushing kawaiily before waving at him. "Hi, person I've never met face to face with before until right now who is automatically my new boyfriend!"

"Bland dialogue regurgitating obvious facts," said Miyamoto. "My lines of dialogue do not matter. Neither do I." She turned into a lamp.

"I cross my legs when I sit, like a good little sissy boy," said Giovanni, sitting down and crossing his legs daintily. "The Suethor assumes this is an explicitly feminine thing to do. They must not get out much. Anyway, this makes me super effeminate and thus nonthreatening in my masculinity. And I have the dub voice because BRITISH VOICE FETISH. Everyone is British if we don't know what the Mid-Atlantic accent is. Wait, I thought dubs were for losers? Unless you require them to fetishize an accent. Okay then! Nothing matters and everything can be easily substituted for anything else when the plot demands."

"So, why are you here?" the talking lamp asked.

"Plot convience," said Giovanni, running his hands through the long bishonen hair of his manga youth. It was black instead of brown because everyone's hair becomes black to match Mr. Sakurai's and there's no pattern of this in every story. Damn, I didn't think stans could get this obsessive, but here we are. Just write some RPF of your celeb crush dude then. Why slap other names onto it when they do not fit at all? These are seriously all self-insert fics she wrote of herself and Atsushi Sakurai under different character's names to get more attention, aren't they. Please don't tell me I'm right. "Er, I mean, my mom is always gushing over you two so much, I figured I'd come see what all the hubbub was about, and damn, aren't the two of you both the finest anime harem bitches I've ever seen."

The talking lamp and Jessie blushed again.

Okay now. Here we go.

These two JUST MET.

They just now fucking met. For the first fucking time. Physically. JUST MET. RIGHT NOW. Just met. Today. Right now. Met. Now just. Fucking. Face to face. Met. Just.

Jessie ran up and kissed Giovanni on the lips before running out of the cabin. "TEE HEE, NOW WE'RE OTP! Also freeze tag me in the snow! Like in your mafia Japanese karaoke soap opera OC fanfics where you've stolen copyrighted fictional character names from various sources and pasted them on top of your self-insert OCs! OCs that were created by slapping other names from existing sources on top of other existing things to begin with and claiming them to be original! Plagiarismception!"

She squealed excitedly and ran off.

"What the hell? That was fast. We met for the first time today as moderately coherant adolescences, and we're already making out? Hm. Weird." Giovanni stood up with a boner. "But I'll take it!" He giggled effeminately and chased after his One True Love.

Shipping, folks. It is what it is.

GIOVANNI AND JESSIE ARE CANON! Unless it's Miyamoto and Giovanni who are suddenly canon. Whichever. It's so interchangeable, it's hilarious.

The talking lamp did the confusion head-tilting thing again, watching the humans act like malfunctioning robots poorly imitating human behavior based on schlock TV stereotypes. "Does not compute!" she squeaked.

"Now I throw snowballs at your face, Craig! I mean, Atsushi! I mean, Sakaki!"

A snowball smashed into Giovanni's face, knocking him down. "Ow. That was supposed to be cute, right? It hurt."

Jessie skipped over to him, giggling. "Pain is cute, silly! It's my fetish."

Again, these two just met. Mere minutes ago.

They threw snow around and kissed each other. Like friends. Platonic friends.

Also the mom was written staring at them doing it, like a voyeur. And if you think I'm exaggerating on that voyeur part, wait. It gets worse. Or better, depending on your level of tolerance for awkward sexual depravity as written by bitter narcissist incels with deep-seated projection issues.

"Friends with benefits! We met today and seconds later we are making out! This is how heterosexuality works!" both nameless characters who could be easily interchanged with any of the other many fictional characters that get stolen and reused in multiple stories that are the same thing copied twenty million times with a couple words changed cheered while holding hands and skipping. I'm about fifteen seconds from officially calling them Craig and Isabella.

This is a parody variation of what the original line had our former talking lamp, Miyamoto saying, so it's clear this is supposed to be somehow platonic. Including the later miscarriages, apparently. Meanings of words. Do not compute.

"Oh joy of joys, Jessie had no other friends until this guy, my boss's creepy shut-in son, randomly showed up at our house one day, and now they're making out! Like normal heterosexual friends who just met always do. This isn't weird at all," said Miyamoto, temporarily freed from her curse of inanimate objectism. "At least I don't think so. I assume my narrow point of view is everyone else's. I get confused and shocked when it's not."

But just then, wouldn't you know, an ominous black car sped up to the driveway or wherever it is. It's assumed there's roads, but it might be out in a random desolate ice world hanging in the void. Details are never given unless they're irrelevant to the plot. Writing, who the fuck cares?

Then why do it if you don't care? That you show so little effort or interest in it. So very little. Every time. For years. In every fandom. No effort. No love. No care. No quality. No interest. No emotion. No logic. Why do it? Why?

The world may never know.

Joking, it's the jealousy and vengeance. The only real motivation for someone to spam hundreds and hundreds of two paragraph garbage shit fic with catty passive-aggressive author's notes calling the better writers in the fandom Mary Suethors who love OOC and pedophilia. Because their fics actually get reviews and faves due to having those terrible things called "mild grasp of canon characterization, quality, and effort." Pro-ject-shun.

"Oh no, the cock block has arrived!" cried Giovanni.

Madame Boss got out of the car, looking crazy pissed. And just plain crazy.

Miyamoto continued to talk to herself from inside the cabin. "Oh dear. Why does my boss look so irrationally angry? Hope it's not because a person in her family is creepily making out with my adorable sexy daughter and she's jealous she has no one to creepily make out with in a platonic fashion because this is how platonic relationships work. They're filled with groping, kissing, and sex. And someone watching from a distance. Perhaps with a video camera. Capturing it all on film for completely platonic purposes."

"Hi, mom," Giovanni said seconds before he got bitch slapped by his violent Mommy dom.

"NOW I WILL HAVE TO DESTROY YOUR LIFE UNTIL THERE ISN'T LOVE LEFT IN YOU ANYMORE!" Madame Boss screamed.

"What's the big deal? All I was doing is platonically kissing my new Not Girlfriend! With my tongue," Giovanni said, rubbing the red mark on his pale cheek.

"You know you're not supposed to do anything without my explicit permission even though you're 18 years old and male, much less go out and suck face with some filthy whore you just met a few minutes ago. Didn't anyone ever tell you office related romances never work out? That aside, I get extremely bitter upon seeing other people with relationships! How dare you clumsily develop one in my furious presence."

Giovanni rolled his eyes. "Sorry I'm hot enough to score some ass, Mommy," Giovanni mumbled. "You don't have to get so jealous over it."

"YES I DO! Did you not hear my previous tirade?" She removed the convenient whip from nowhere and beat it into her palm, giving her insubordinate crotch spawn the ultimate stare down. "Do I have to punish my little brat boy again for misbehaving?"

"I'm sure you'd like that far too much," said Giovanni, backing away while holding out his hands and shaking his head.

Madame Boss's eyes flashed with ancient evil. "You betcha."

"No! I reject you!" Giovanni declared, making the sign of the cross with his fingers. He pointed toward Miyamoto. "This mommy is my GOOD mommy! She isn't mean to me. She's a total MILF and doesn't give a damn when I platonically fuck her daughter who I just met like a few minutes ago and we're madly in platonic love that's full of platonic unprotected sex with condoms that don't work because nothing in this piece of shit makes any sense at all and is unsurprisingly nothing more than somebody's favorite taboo porn scenes pasted over and over with the human actors replaced by different fictional characters stolen from various copyrighted properties. You can't stop us, Mommy! We're an OTP! One True Pairing! WE'RE CANON!"

"Don't you dare use that word in my presence. You know how much I hate it. I will slap that smartass mouth right off your stupid sissy bitch face," said Madame Boss, advancing with the whip.

"Wait! I take that bold insubordination back. You're the most beautiful Mommy in the world." His eyes turned into kawaii closed arches like in my Japanese animes, uguu.

"That compliment to appease the narcissist seconds before they try to kill you trick doesn't work on me, bitch boy!"

Madame Boss pounced on him and began whipping him while Jessie screamed in a monotone and took several photos before stuffing the mini spy camera back into her shirt.

"Get in the car right now, you little backstabbing fucker! I MADE you. I OWN YOU!"

"No, I wanna live here with the cool Mary Sue insert characters who let me do whatever I want and don't understand or care anything about human biology or social rules," Giovanni whined, lying on the ground. He refused to budge as his mother tried to drag him away. "Their forced feminine submissiveness and lack of ability to do anything outside of badly interpreted stereotypical male sexual wish fulfillment makes my cock happy, unlike you, Mommy! I don't wanna be the sub anymore! I wanna be the dom! I wanna be the dom! Mommaaaaaaa!"

Madame Boss seethed, her face going red, veins popping out all across her forehead and neck. "HOW DARE YOU OPPOSE ME!" Actual line. "CHILDREN ARE HORRIBLE BRATS! ESPECIALLY YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Madame Boss wailed, turning to the fourth wall. She pointed.

Her mouth opened wide and an accusing screech right out of The Bodysnatchers sounded. Everyone covered their ears.

"Mother, please!" Giovanni turned away and grabbed Jessie, holding her. "Let me live my life!"

"NEVER!" Madame Boss screamed. "It goes against my controlling personality and inability to renounce grudges."

She knew she had to separate the interchangeable OTP before it usurped her popularity in the fic. She glared at the two crying into each other arms and making out. Platonically, of course. They were just friends. Fuck buddies. Platonically though.

Another nondescript car pulled up to introduce a new "original" character. This keeps getting better and better.

An older grey haired version of Madame Boss wearing all black like every parental clone figure this Suethor makes by ripping off canon characters no matter which franchise they're from, they all look the same, and it's hilarious, stepped out of it.

She was armed with a quad cane that had some tennis balls on the tips, looking quite Carl Fredricksen, both in presentation and design. Needless to say, she was an ugly old crone. An aged Persian crawled out and stood at her side. It hacked up a reeking wet hairball.

Surprise, it's Granny Boss! Or Granny Rocket, as she's officially named in the fic.

"Original character, DO NOT STEAL," Granny Rocket shouted.

Have your nonalcoholic beverages one hand. We're going to hit all the worst recurring tropes in rapid succession.

Madame Boss gasped, acting surprised to see her own mother there at a specific time though she knew it was plot convience keeping up with the overbearing omnipresent sadistic Joan Crawford mother theme.

"Momma! What are you doing here?" she said quite melodramatically but with a fair amount of sarcasm.

"Plot convenience," Granny Rocket confirmed. "And now to immediately establish me as yet another huge and obvious stand in for the Suethor's sadism pedo fetish but amplified by a billion percent, who also wants to fuck Giovanni's hot twink ass with a searing hot fireplace poker."

She turned to Giovanni and ran toward him, blushing. She tackled him.

"Hellooooooooooo my young object of incestuous affection!" She grabbed his face, squeezing his lips together until he looked like a gasping fish. "Such a cutie! I want to get in your pants! It's the only reason I exist in this story! That and to whip out the BDSM rape dungeon from nowhere that always appears for no reason other than that's what the person who writes this wants, specifically, every fucking time. No matter what franchise. Yep, that's all I exist for. Plot device. Big surprise. I'm not even a uniquely designed character. I am an exact clone of Madame Boss with the clothes painted black and the hair painted grey. And I'm even more evil. And older. Those are my only differing traits. I've got a cane. For whackin' naughty tight little perfectly shaved sissy boy butts!"

"Oh no, Granny, please! Not again," Giovanni whimpered. "I don't want to go back to the BDSM torture-rape dungeons that pop up from fucking nowhere!"

Granny Rocket released her dismayed victim. "By the way, I live ten miles from Miyamoto's cabin and I've been spying on you all the whole time. Now let's make some more 50% off jokes and scowl at each other like it's the only thing we can do. Because it is! For the time being."

"Just give me that cane, Momma. My little brat boy needs an ass whoopin' like nobody's business," said Madame Boss.

Grinning, Granny Rocket handed over the can. "Ooh, I hope you're gonna do it with his pants down around his ankles!"

"Maybe later."

Madame Boss beat the shit out of Giovanni, who thankfully got to keep his pants on.

Giovanni shoved Jessie out of the line of danger even though she wasn't in it. Such chivalry.

"Ow! Maybe I should have pulled you into the line of fire instead, thereby giving me the time to run away," cried Giovanni, enduring the savage beating. "But I'm a gentleman. Ow! Ow! If I had a hat, I'd remove it and bow compulsively. Ow! No, Mama! Not my pretty bishonen face! You gonna knock my perfectly contoured eyebrows off! Just kidding! I wish I had those!"

"Moving on with the tedious exposition dumping again, I was written into this mess because your cute son's butthole and dick tip makes my dusty cavern all moist. At least that's what I tell my long defunct ovaries. I stalk Giovanni the time and I'm revealing that I ACTUALLY KIDNAP AND RAPE MY GRANDSON ON A REGULAR BASIS in a very casual manner that's supposed to be taken as a fucking joke? Okay? Ha ha, it's funny!"

OH MY GOD, NO IT'S NOT.

"Beat him good so he won't put up a fight when I go to violate his fine young body, my daughter, ha ha, now we know where she gets all this from, don't we? The crazy is inherited. And so is the gleeful perversion," said Granny Rapist. I mean, Rocket. "I taught her everything she knows!"

"We noticed," said Jessie, who was only there to be a Mary Sue's platonically sexual plot device. Then she went back to not thinking thoughts.

Meanwhile, Miyamoto had been ignoring the abrupt switch in tone of the fic, too busy making her snow meals for the pair of young platonic sex fiends. She finally noticed what was happening outside when Giovanni screamed after a loud crack that sounded like a spine being broken in half. She watched her not official blood related son suffer for several minutes before rushing outside and running over to him. Completely ignoring her own traumatized daughter. As always, Suethor's fave male is always the most important thing in all these stories. The women involved continue to be shallow plot devices of varying insignificance. This will keep getting more and more obvious due to the severe lack of self-awareness in the writing that's amplified by the parody's deliberate emphasis on it.

"Oh noooo, don't do such things to the poor boy," Miyamoto cried, and Madame Boss stopped bashing Giovanni's skull in with the cane.

"Miyamoto, shut the fuck up and don't tell me how to discipline my children," said Madame Boss.

"Sorry, Ma'am," Miyamoto said, hanging her head in shame. She raised her head and asserted herself somewhat suspiciously for a few seconds. "But I can't sit by and watch you beat my cute adorable daughter's new boyfriend."

"If you want to beat Giovanni senseless any more, you'll have to go through us first," said Jessie.

Both stepMILF and hot bait teen stepdaughter embraced poor Giovanni at the same time.

"Ow. My previously established injuries. At least I have the comfort of two hot subservient ladies to soothe my wounded soul," Giovanni said, blood dripping from his lips. He raised his hands, giving a duel thumbs up. "Score!"

"Get in the car, you useless sack of shit," Madame Boss repeated. "I don't want you fucking around with this dirty little slutbag."

"Which one do you mean?" Giovanni asked, laughing. "Seriously though, I wanna fuck them both, going by the actual text in the originals. Implications, hee hee. I mean, Mother, you're over reacting. Jessie's my friend. My friend who I kiss and stick my dick in a lot. Platonically."

"Neither of them! The simpering slut or her crazy permissive moronic fuck of a mother. You are forbidden to have contact with them ever again." Madame Boss hit him with the cane right in the balls.

"Owie! My naughty no-no spot," Giovanni squeaked before crumpling to the ground.

Sensing vulnerability, Granny Rocket grabbed Giovanni's cheeks and squeezed them. I mean the face ones, by the way. "Tonight in bed, my darling! I'll tie you up and then rape, rape! It's so funny!" She winked. "I mean cuddle. Platonically! What do words mean? Luckily for me, I have senility as an excuse."

"Boy, this fic took a dark insane turn very quickly. How odd. Only not," Miyamoto said. "Oops, once again I have no other emotions but my placid cheerful submission. I don't remember that in the canon but I can't argue against it. I lack the ability to oppose the Suethor's rule."

"How dare you teach my son a vast misinterpretation of what love is, Miyamoto-chan!" Madame Boss said. "You're fired!"

"But I'm the best character. I'm the plot device mommy figure. You can't fire me. Only the canon can," she wept softly for sympathy.

"Love is not sex, friendship is not sex, everything is not always sex, please learn how to human being and remember porn and melodrama you see in soap operas and bad acted low budget films is not reality, and reality is something people really need to learn to separate from fiction," said Jessie, attempting to be the voice of reason for the brief moment she had some lucidity. And then it was gone. She turned and stared down at Giovanni, smiling. "So when do I get my tummy all preggers with a kawaii babby gift from our lord and savior Jesus, platonic boyfriend?"

Giovanni frowned. "Hopefully, never," he muttered to himself. "I don't need any more of this fandom demanding a paternity test from me!"

"Give me your clothes." Madame Boss put out her hand.

"But it's cold," said Miyamoto.

"I know that! Now strip, bitch! It's humiliation and submission I want to see."

Miyamoto reluctantly did what she was ordered to by the Sir of the relationship. She was left standing with her hot exposed MILFness in bra and panties out in the freezing blizzard weather. "But I thought I was your best friend and best member of the Rocket Gang, canonically, Ma'am!"

"Who the fuck cares," said Madame Boss. "It's not relevant anymore. No canon is. And you know what? It never was! I was using you the whole time to talk about my crazy fetishes and hatred of children! I love torturing and humiliating them. I can't stand them because they're so expensive and dare to take away attention from ME! I want to use all my money on myself. To buy expensive stuffed animals, junk food, anime bluray box sets, body pillows, porn website access, and various sex toys. And I must be the center of attention at all times. You got trolled! I used you for my own benefit and am throwing you away now that I have no more use for you! Loser! Hahahahaha!"

"Are you also firing Giovanni? Can I have him?" Granny Rocket asked.

"Now leave forever and never return, either you or your little brat bitch," said Madame Boss. "I denounce you." She spit at Miyamoto's feet.

"Well, technically, you're on our property," said Miyamoto.

"Also, you've fucked canon in its ass, raw," said Jessie. She smiled at Giovanni. "We should try that sometime. Platonically. Boyfriend!"

Giovanni gulped nervously. He turned to his Granny who licked her dentures at him. She mouthed the words "Us too!" He cringed and turned away. "Someone. Help me."

"This isn't very canon," Miyamoto said, tilting her head to one side. "I'd almost say it's quite rude, if I could."

"You can't not prove this isn't not the real TRUE canon!" yelled Madame Boss, struggling not to get a brain aneurysm. "These are exceptionally minor characters with a bare minimum of existing info on them so the Suethor doesn't have to get into it with any other fans and spend long hours trying and failing to justify how these batshit headcanons are somehow canon. It's much easier to say they just are when you can't prove anything else unless you do a bit of research. Or, like, have simple common sense. Although Pokémon has it's fucked up moments. Because Japan. Hentai and all."

"Lolicon titties," said Jessie, her breasts temporarily expanding to the size of giant balloons before she popped them with a pin and they went back to normal. "Not that kind of fic! Thankfully."

Miyamoto's hand shot out. "Look over there," she cried.

When the deviant duo turned, she grabbed her new stepson's and daughter's hands and ran back to her cabin. No one would think of looking for them there.

"Oh no. They got away!" Madame Boss said.

The two sexually frustrated psycho-stalkers ran up to the window of the cabin.

"They can't hide in there forever. The plot will inevitably move to the torture sobbing death scenes sooner or later," said Granny Rocket. "They'll have to let us in then, seeing as we're the torture initiating devices!"

Madame Boss shrugged. "Meh, whatever. I'm getting hungry. Let's go back to my mansion and order Chinese while we plot their murders and wait for the plot to move on to that."

Granny pouted. "I want my boy toy back!" Her dentures popped out and fell in the snow. This was supposed to be yet another bit of inappropriately timed comedy that isn't funny at all, but there it is. She dug through the snow, picked them up, and stuffed the dripping nasty things back into her putrid mouth, scented of hard candies and prunes and an ancient evil. She turned to the fourth wall, balling her wrinkled fist. "Laugh, you idiots, laugh! This is funny!"

No, it's really not.

Inside the cabin, Miyamoto wore a fur rug for a dress because she didn't have any other clothes besides the team rocket uniform she'd be wearing day in and day out for 16 years. Or longer. Who knows. Who cares.

"Well, that happened," she said ever so cheerfully. "I guess we won't bother to call the police or anything. That would be too realistic and also ruin the story." She sat in a chair, motionless.

Giovanni rushed up to her and put his head in her lap, sobbing hysterically. Jessie also sobbed along with him. She can't do anything that doesn't mimic the dominant male character in the story. No accessory female character can.

"What do we do now?" asked Jessie.

"I have no idea," said Miyamoto. "I guess we'll exist purely to comfort the Suethor's favorite interchangeable male boyfriend character's sobby boo-boos and whatnot. Perhaps we'll get tortured and die. And then become ghosts." She pet Giovanni's hair in order to pacify him, as the narration explicitly stated. The doleful man-boy. Man-baby. Daddy-baby. Pure and good. "Poor Giovanni who got beaten by his crazy mom and grandmom a few minutes ago for making out with my daughter whom he just met today. Also I adopted him into our family as my stepson, keeping in mind that he wants to fuck my daughter. And very possibly me. We ran back inside the house and pretended nothing happened. This is normal to everyone else. Right?" Miyamoto asked while smiling.

"SHUT UP, I'M ASLEEP," Giovanni announced in his sleep.

"That Suethor is sick in the head," Jessie said before a brick from nowhere hit her in the face. She teared up, rubbing the aching spot. "I mean...Giovanni's scary evil mother and grandmother are the real villains." She turned to her mother. "By the way, Mom. Why didn't you make more of an effort to stop Giovanni from getting brutally whipped and beaten? You kind of stood there smiling and licking your lips for a long time before trying to break it up. Like you were enjoying it or something."

Miyamoto broke character and frowned, causing Jessie to shut the fuck up and mind her own business. "That's not a cute or nice thing to ask, Jessie!" She went back to smiling dully without a single thought in her head unless the plot called for it to appear.

"Uh, anyway. So how 'bout that revelation that his grandma enjoys raping him and this is somehow hilarious and funny, and freakishly sexualized, and super fucking casual, ha ha? Also I need to know more because if you don't expand upon it, I can't get off to it," said Jessie.

"The original line calls it 'sharing a bed'," Miyamoto corrected. "Like dub-con. It sounds less taboo that way."

"What a dysfunctional family," Jessie yelled. What an understatement. Someone, get the fucking police. "Unlike our own. We're perfect, right?"

"Perfect," Miyamoto and Jessie said in an eerie monotone, staring into space.

"It's cute when WE do it," said Jessie.

A big electric sign dropped down from the ceiling and flashed the word - HYPOCRISY!

Giovanni woke up, his loud snoring stopped abruptly. "Huh, mommy? Cock goes where?" His eyes fluttered open. Giovanni noticed his face happened to be in the most perfect spot ever, nestled in the crotch of his lovely flawless Pure Mommy. "Oh, mommy! The nice one. How I love you! For your submissive accommodating personality and not your body, I swear. Okay, maybe both."

Miyamoto touched his face again like it was the only thing she knew how to do. "MY SON!"

"My step-brother!" Jessie joined in. "Who is also my boyfriend and sexual partner. But platonically. And somehow completely non-incestuously because we're not hypocrites like those other Suethors in the fandom who ship that nasty junk. They just wanna get their fics popular the easy way. Stupid cheaters!"

Giovanni stood up, brushing himself off. "No time for medical help or anything to check if I've got broken bones and internal injuries." He adjusted his tie. "I need to get back home. If I don't, my insane mother who viciously beat me a few minutes ago will be really mad! This is logical dialogue. Or maybe my brain is bleeding and it's damaging my coherency. I can't tell. I'm sure it doesn't matter."

"But first, please, tell us more about how your Gran-Gran raped you. It's hot!" Jessie shouted before she coughed into her hand. "I mean, open up and release your emotional trauma to us so we can furiously masturbate to it. No wait, that sounded worse. I mean-"

"Sure, I'll tell you about my out of character invented trauma smutfic disguised as a backstory in a badfic so you can sexualize it more than it has been already," Giovanni said, lowering his arms to his sides. "I can't do anything else and that's the only purpose this backstory exists in the first place. To turn on the Suethor who conceived it. But, you know. In a way that makes them feel superior to the rest of the fandom. Those dirty pedophile incest shipping freaks!"

The hypocrisy sign snapped off its cables, fell to the ground, and exploded, causing a small fire.

Giovanni pulled a bottle of lemon juice from his pocket and sprayed some into his eyes. He gasped at the stinging, and choked back a sob.

"When I was young, my granny would come into my bed at night, pull apart the pee-pee hole in my boxer shorts, and jingle my dingle! She called me a little sissy boy, but in a different sort of way than my mother." He burst into uncontrollable heavy sobs for a few minutes. "But it's cool because she's a woman and women can't rape anybody. If it's not a dick, it doesn't count. The internet told me so." He dabbed his eyes with a handful from the box of tissues Jessie handed him. "Her psychotic toothless grin scared me shitless. As you can see, that obvious predatory Suethor sexual insert and the violent out of character interpretation of my mother fucked me up pretty bad. But since the ongoing theme of these stories is all manner of rape porn and torture-humiliation-sissification with deeply homophobic overtones that are always sexualized for the purpose of titillation that the Suethor demands everyone else praise, I'm forced to keep repeating this misery on a weekly basis until a sufficient number of reviews are gained. I've been headcanoned as a gay sissy boy who lives to be punished by a fem-dom, except when I'm headcanoned back to heterosexual to auto-impregnate the Suethor's favorite self-insert female character. No one can explain where any of these headcanons stemmed from, why someone would consider them to be canon, nor why we chose Pokémon, of all fandoms, and Giovanni, of all characters, to project them upon this time. And so ends the tale of Bad Touch Grandma Who Is Not Secretly The Suethor Getting Her Rocks Off While Making The Fandom Suffer. And also calling everyone hypocrites and shitty writers when she's the biggest of all." He gasped and panted for breath.

Giovanni then erupted into further hysterical sobbing. The two women who existed only as objects to provide either sex or comfort or both at the same time did exactly that and comforted his titillating manufactured man pain. Sexy.

"Thank you," said Giovanni.

"No problem," said Jessie.

Actual dialogue from the original. It fit here in the parody better than it did in the fic somehow trying to take itself seriously as drama.

"Now that that's out of the way, I should be going. Even though Gran and Mom are probably plotting to torture, rape, or murder us all. Like in that other fic. It's the same basic plot, no matter which franchise or characters. Never changes. And if it does, it's only slightly. We are trapped here for All Eternity. Burning in the worst pit of Hell. Someone, help us, please. Make it stop."

"You'd think this Suethor'd get criticized or mocked much less if they just said, hey, this is my personal headcanon or masturbatory thing, this is how I roll. You don't have to accept it as canon. I won't go out of my way to attack you and write shitty hypocritical unfunny parodies of your stories making fun of cancer or domestic abuse and incest victims and calling you a bunch of pedophile Suethors who write OOC nonsense fics because it's less nonsensical and more popular than the ones I write. Too bad they don't," said Jessie.

"Nope. They go out of their way to start fights in the fandom by insulting everyone and baiting for negative attention just so they can cry they're being bullied when it's them who's the bully," said Giovanni, folding his arms. "Exceptionally shitty behavior."

Everyone nodded in collective agreement.

"A real shame they left nearly seventeen years worth of raging hypocrisy behind them in publicly available text form to come back and bite them in the ass," said Jessie.

"Uh huh," said Giovanni and Miyamoto together.

"So, how 'bout a threesome before I go?" Giovanni suggested.

Back at the rapey Rockets, Team Rape It featuring Scary Mom Dom and Granny Dom drove toward their inevitable conveniently timed removal from the plot.

Granny Rocket gazed out the window to see some otherwise nondescript white creature flying through air, lost control of the car, flew through the air, and crashed in a fiery explosion that killed her. Bye, bitch. One down. A bunch more to go.

Madame Boss pulled over and got out of her own car. "You mean we drove around aimlessly in a circle for hours only to have this shit happen? Oh, I mean, MOTHER! OH NO! How conveniently tragic." She whipped out her purse, removing her makeup compact, and touched up her lipstick. "I'm devastated."

"Mew mew," said an Alolan Mew, I guess. Why is it white?

Mew's pink. Mewtwo is white. How do you fuck that one up?

"Details, details. Who need's 'em?" Madame Boss shook her fist up at the unknown creature who's only focused on because it was in Birth of Mewtwo, unlike the actual Mewtwo who was there too and played a large role, but who's unfortunately ugly and doesn't matter. And because Mew looks like a cutesy kitty witty baby thing. Not too coincidentally things the Suethor is positively obsessed with. "I am Madame Boss, In Name Only! You killed my mother! Prepare to die!"

"Mew," Mew said without a care. It turned and farted a tiny poot in her direction. Then it giggled.

"I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU A LOT, YOU LITTLE ABORTED FETUS LOOKING FUCKING BITCH! DAMN IT! WHY ARE YOU SO POPULAR! WHY AREN'T I MORE POPULAR? THIS FANDOM IS ELITIST SHIT! NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT I'M A MINOR CHARACTER WHO ONLY APPEARED IN THE FIVE PART RADIO DRAMA, BIRTH OF MEWTWO! MOST OF THIS FUCKING PLOT HAS BEEN RIPPED OFF OF, BUT ALL THE CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN SWAPPED AROUND FROM THE PARTS THEY PLAYED! I SHOULD HAVE SWAPPED PLACES WITH YOU, YOU UNDESERVINGly POPULAR PIECE OF SHIT!" She kicked a snow hill into the air in a fit of jealous rage.

Mew flew away.

Back at the platonic lust cabin.

Madame Boss's car flew through the air and parked against a tree before the driver herself came stumbling out, swearing up a storm. She kicked open the door of the cabin, gasping when she found her son and Miyamoto's daughter nude, making out in the bed, platonically of course.

What in the fuck. They just fucking met and they're in bed fucking in front of the mother and what the fuck. Platonically.

And if you think it couldn't get any better...sit down. It gets better.

Miyamoto was sitting there making the snow meals while her daughter and the son of her crazy ex-boss who she now considered to be her adopted stepson was fucking her daughter in the same room. No comedic exaggeration. That really happened in the original. In all seriousness. What the fuck. This is a comedy goldmine.

Madame Boss scowled harder than she'd ever scowled before. Her eyes almost popped out of her skull. The big vein on her forehead throbbed, beating in time with her black heart.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?"

"Oh, hello, Ma'am," Miyamoto said cheerfully, forgetting that whole thing where she was trying to keep Giovanni away from his psychotic abusive mother a few paragraphs ago.

"Yeah, hi, Miyamoto," Madame Boss briefly acknowledged her former friend. "This isn't about you. This is about my fuck up of a son who thinks he can just waltz around, changing stated sexualities at the drop of a hat anytime a homophobic joke is required, and fucking any slutty little skank bitch he wants without my permission!" She stomped her foot. "Get dressed right now and get in the car, Giovanni. I'm not repeating myself one more time. Even though I likely will. Repetition is an ongoing theme here."

"They just wanted to get warm, Ma'am," said Miyamoto.

"BULL-FUCKING-SHIT! THEY WERE NAKED IN THE BED, PLAYING SNAKE IN THE GRASS! THE DUMBASSES HAVE A GODDAMN ABRUPT MISCARRIAGE IN ONE OF THESE FUCKING STORIES! YOU CAN'T FUCKING TELL ME THEY WEREN'T FUCKING FUCKING, YOU FUCK!"

"Platonically," Jessie and Giovanni said.

Madame Boss looked as though her head would explode. The amount of pain she felt was tangible in the air. A bit of foam bubbled from the corner of her mouth. Her head snapped back. "You have no idea what that word means, do you?"

They looked at each other. "Well, we do. But the person who wrote this piece of nonsensical dreck sure doesn't," said Giovanni.

"I don't because I'm female in a bad fanfiction," Jessie confessed. "I'm lucky I know how to breath correctly."

"Well that's all beyond fucking obvious!" Madame Boss shot Miyamoto a stare of sheer hatred. "Miyamoto, you're rehired. I want you to kill the slimy little Pocket Monster that caused my mother to get killed when she wasn't paying attention while driving. My lust for revenge has over ridden my lust for breaking all of your faces for having semi-functional sexual relationships that I will never have."

"Oh, Granny's dead?" Giovanni looked relieved. "Thank God. What a shitty character that didn't need to exist at all."

"For now. Just wait until the rape dungeon fic rears its ugly head again. Anyway, a creature that looked like a stupidly ugly white kitty cat caused her to crash because it was so fucking ugly and stupid," said Madame Boss. "I want it dead. Luckily for you, all my plans for you two to get broken up have gone out the window. Now I want to murder Miyamoto and that damn Mew. Shit, did I say that Miyamoto part out loud again? Ignore that. Just keep the dead Mew part."

"Why don't you kill it yourself? You're filled with enough insatiable resentment and rage," said Miyamoto. "I'm just an obsequious doormat who does whatever the plot calls for. And it's never violence because I'm the Good Mommy. I can't kill innocent things! That would be bad. I can't do much of anything. Besides be sweet and accommodating in the worst ways."

"My son is in sooooo much trouble right now!" Madame Boss tapped her foot angrily.

"This isn't what it looks like, I swear. Kissing isn't sex. Neither is oral. Bill Clinton said so," Giovanni said.

Madame Boss slapped the lamp off the bedside table. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"No! For the first time in my childishly stunted miserable life, I'm asserting myself, like a real man, Mother. I want to be with these two hot submissive bitches as their step-son-daddy. Not you," Giovanni told her. "They do anything I want, including letting me fuck them platonically. Anyway, us two being shipped together would be way too incestuous, mother! It wilts my boner. A little. Unlike dear Miyamoto and Jessie. I'd rather have a passive subservient step mommy than a violently abusive controlling mommy dommy who doesn't care about my pleasure so much as my suffering. And besides, if we were shipped together the Suethor would get called out on her own hypocrisy for secretly shipping incest on the side if she thinks it'll make her popular in the fandom when she's jealous of other authors who do the same thing and always bitches at them for shipping incest pairings." He inhaled deeply, gasping for breath. "So there."

Madame Boss ran up and kicked the bedside table over. "No more fetish porn for you! You're grounded! For all eternity! Get the shit out of here and into the car!" She turned to Miyamoto and glared at her. "You're gonna catch me a Mew first thing in the morning. I'm forcing you to work for me again."

"Oh, the Mew? You mean that thing I discovered on the tape that I had that's been totally retconed out of this story because it wasn't relevant to anything the Suethor masturbates to and my characterization has been mangled ten ways to Sunday so you can't tell who I am outside of a name," said Miyamoto, smiling so hard she almost cracked some teeth.

"Yeah," said Madame Boss. "So you noticed that too."

Miyamoto nodded. "Better late than never."

"The Mew said MEW so it's a Mew. That's how we name Pokémons. I was gonna call it Abortofetal Vomitkitty, but that takes too long to say and I don't have time for anymore stupid filler bullshit right now. The threshold has been reached."

"We're having a nice casual dialogue like nothing is insane right now," said Miyamoto so very cheerfully. Her left eye twitched. "Happy and pleasant."

"It was floating around here in the Andes mountains by some dangerously unstable area that might bring about deadly avalanches. Why don't you look for it there?" Madame Boss encouraged, wringing her hands. "Now get up and let's go home, Giovanni." She lifted up the closest end of the bed. The platonic lovers tumbled out of it onto the floor.

"But Moooooooooooom, I wanna stay and fuck Jessie-chan. I mean...play platonic...bed...games? Like hide the maple sausage in the strawberry cream doughnut."

"I enjoy playing shove the hot dog into the buns without any mustard," said Jessie.

"But there's always plenty of ketchup and mayo," said Giovanni, winking.

"What if I die in an avalanche?" asked Miyamoto.

"Good! Who cares?" Madame Boss snapped. "Uh, I mean, I'll adopt your little brat girl as my own daughter. I won't throw her into my granny's torture-rape dungeon to rot for eternity, or more realistically, several weeks before she croaks. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die."

Miyamoto scowled for once in her life. "Why don't I believe you?" Everyone else in the room scowled. Miyamoto returned to smiling. "Well, okay. But let me take a photo of my nice and cute little daughter to remember her by and maybe distract the Mew with when I see it. Like in that radio drama the plot has been endlessly copying cherry picked bits off of and stuffing their repetitive personal fetish headcanon OC craziness in between."

"Whatever, I don't care," said Madame Boss. "Hurry it up before this piece of shit gets any longer. We don't need anymore useless padding to stretch it."

Jessie bawled.

Miyamoto took the camera conveniently sitting on the table waiting to fulfill its purpose and snapped a picture of her super adorable nice cute slutty daughter and the son of her ex-boss who was once again her boss who she just met that very day who was fucking her daughter who she considered to be her step son and still allowed all this to happen all crying together. For the Happy Memories album.

"I'll cherish this photo forever," she said, admiring the photo of her nude daughter crying while Madame Boss's hand was in the corner, pulling Giovanni by his ear.

"MOMMY MIYAMOTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Giovanni yelled, same as every male character in one of these similar stories when they dramatically scream out the name of the interchangeable woman who's bits they've been pounding and don't actually care about at all. "YOU'RE A TOTAL MILF! DON'T DIE, OKAY! I WANNA COME BACK AND PUMP YOUR BABY BACON TOO!"

Madame Boss slapped Giovanni before shoving him into the car.

This is a Pokémon fanfic?

"Psyche! This is a Mary Sue OC BDSM fetish fic somebody wrote and slapped some Pokémon names into. You could remove the names of the characters and replace them with ANYTHING and it would make no difference to the story. No one noticed yet, right?" said Giovanni, trying to remain conscious.

"No," said Jessie and Miyamoto in perfect unison.

"Okay, bye, losers," Madame Boss yelled out the window as she drove away.

Giovanni sobbed in the back of the car. He stuck his head out the window. "MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MILFY! JESSIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! PENIS SAD!"

Miyamoto sobbed with Jessie. The next day she died in an avalanche trying to find the mysterious Mew and that's honest to God how the original story ended.

So, uh, THE END!


	5. Cursed

ONE THOUSAND SCREAMING TORTURE FIC CURSE  
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants  
Truly, this person showing up in your fandom spamming nearly 1000 repeating OC Sue fetish fics in an attempt to bury every other more popular writer is a curse no one should be forced to endure.

ONE THOUSAND SCREAMING TORTURE FIC CURSE

We're too good to use the English character names, said the opening note. Even though we're not sure that's their properly translated names. Mmkay then.

Giovanni woke up one day in darkness, not knowing where he was. He was nervous. The original narration can only express emotion through the eyes alone for some reason. Meaning exaggerated cartoonish examples and nothing more, since complex emotional ranges are all but unknown here. A wave of expository dumping narration hit him over the head while he wandered aimlessly, feeling lost and scared, desperately wishing for somebody to come cuddle him like a baby and tell him everything was okay. He missed his kawaii waifu OTP half and his mommy. Sometimes he couldn't tell which was which any longer. A mental image of the woman in question appeared in his head. It was his evil minor character mommy dominant, Madame Boss.

"Mom?" Giovanni spoke to the cold air before getting lost in a flashback to his toddler days. "Not again! Why does this person fetishize me as a baby so hard? Wait, I don't think I want to know." It's called paraphilic infantilism. Or, you know, maybe pedophilia is the better descriptive term here, since this person is a clearly infamous one in every fandom they infest.

Baby Giovanni, age two, as always, wandered aimlessly in the nondescript Rocket Gang HQ after his mom couldn't find a babysitter for the sake of the plot contrivances. The better description could have been she didn't want to pay for one. She's so cheap. Madame Boss was waiting for the best Rocket Gang member to show up. That was of course Miyamoto. She brought her own daughter, Jessie, who had been permanently soulbonded with Giovanni during their conception in the womb. Rabid weeaboo shipping dictates. They were the official OTP now. It's canon.

"Making good money these days, here and there, boss? I think that was two lines of dialogue smashed into one," said Miyamoto, reading off her stolen and copied line for line Birth of Mewtwo script, complete with grammatical errors and missing capitalization.

"Yeah, and all the dialogue is swapped around from character to character. That makes it completely original," Madame Boss said with a sharp laugh. "Why is your fat little daughter here? It better not be for plot convenient shipping reasons."

"It is," Miyamoto confessed. "She also didn't have a babysitter for some reason."

"What a startling coincidence," said Madame Boss, crossing her arms with a look of disdain toward the cheery mother and daughter. "As always."

"I think they like each other," said Miyamoto.

The toddlers walked forward and displayed raspberries to each other. Then they started slapping each other and rolling on the ground.

"Who let them have those fruits! It's going to stain my carpet!" Madame Boss yelled.

"I think that was very awkward writing meaning the mouth action, not actual berries," said Miyamoto.

"I don't give a fuck," said Madame Boss before kicking the children apart.

The flashback ended with the kick right to the now adult Giovanni's troubled brain.

"Oh, my crazy mother. Always trying to separate me from my designated Mary Sue waifu. And now here's twenty more miles of flashback informing the audience how bad I had it in life and excusing my actions as a villain. We can't get enough of that!"

Another flashback sucked everything in a black hole and spit out young Giovanni again, this time with his dad being alive. They walked through the unnamed city that may or may not have been Viridian City. He was still two years old. He came across a stray Ninetails and rushed over to it before grabbing one of the Pokémon's tails.

And then the sensationalized child abuse came at him again.

The unnamed father grabbed Giovanni and slapped him, knocking him off his tiny feet. And here we go again. Might want to skip over the largest portion of the story if you don't want to read this shit. Again. Because it takes up most of the story. As always.

"Now you've got a 1000 year curse, stupid," said his father, grabbing his screaming son's hand and dragging him home.

"But wah?" baby Giovanni attempted, riddled with confusion. Maybe grabbing a kitsune's tail gives you 1000 years bad luck. Maybe his dad's just a hateful freak. "Baaaaaaah!"

Then the flashback ended and Giovanni started to tear up.

"Wow, my dad was a fucking lunatic. He bullied a toddler."

And then another abrupt flashback.

"You know this would have been less jarring to write the whole young!Giovanni flashbacks as a chapter without me interjecting one or two lines of how sad it made me in between," adult Giovanni's voice floated around before the fade out.

Two year old punching bag li'l Giovanni stumbled around the living room of their nondescript family mansion. His dad was there, pissed off as usual at the fact that his idiot son wasn't learning how to walk soon enough.

"At this rate you won't learn to stand on your own until you're 18 years old, you little piece of shit," said the unnamed father figure. "Gosh, I'm an awful parent, aren't I, folks?"

Giovanni whimpered and flinched. His dad vanished into another room. And then his beloved sweet mother taught him how to walk. Uh, okay.

"My beautiful mom," said Giovanni. "She's the love of my life? Okay, sure." He sighed and sat down in a nearby chair because this was going to be another long bout of weeping traumatic backstory exposition dumping. "How I wonder what I could have been like if I didn't have this tragic gratuitously abusive and sexualized nightmare scenario of parental abuse and such, pushed as canon by a Suethor so they could ship me with an author insert as some other female character and make excuses for me being a villain by claiming I'm not. Oh, if only my dad loved me. If only my parents taught me that stealing was bad and being a jerk was bad and being a villain is bad and yelling at my minions is bad and blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaaap. I'm not Craig Dragotti, I swear. These aren't word for copied word of the Suethor's OC fics pasted on top of Pokémon franchise characters, making us all look horrifically OOC and crazed, like every damn character in every damn story."

He sighed again as another flashback took over.

"Hey, idiots, get in here," Giovanni called from his desk in his office in the Rocket HQ where he worked.

"Yes, Sir!" James flew through the door, eager to please.

"Hey, whaddya know? I'm here too for once," said Meowth, waving his arms with a flourish. He rubbed his chin, suddenly concerned with a disturbing realization. "Wait, dat might be a bad ting, now dat I tink about it."

"I'm here too," said Jessie. She winked at him. "Lover boy!"

"I'll be going with you on a mission to find out the reason behind your constant failures. And to catch some rare Pokémon."

"Uh oh," said Meowth, James, and Jessie in unison before huddling up.

"The boss watching our every move? That's a load of pressure. We can't screw up in front of him. He'll fire us on the spot," said James.

"Worse, if he's with us, the plot of this fanfic will probably go apeshit and send us all dying in a random apocalypse or blizzard," said Jessie, cringing.

"No way! I didn't get put in here after all dis time just to end up dead," Meowth said.

"What exactly is it you three are discussing over there?"

The trio turned to face Giovanni, smiling uneasily.

"Nothing, Boss," they said.

"We were assuring ourselves how much you'll be impressed by our startling competence," said James.

"Sure," said Giovanni with the most sarcasm imaginable. "That's almost as believable as this story having anything to do with the Pokémon franchise outside of slapped on names."

His Persian slinked up beside him.

"Are you going to bring your personal pet Persian?" James asked. "Because that might be a problem. The story might have to focus on the actual Pokémon instead of some sobbing underwear torture thing."

"Oh. No then," said Giovanni. The Persian looked disappointed and faded out of existence, irrelevant to the plot.

"Yeah, we already got a cat here anyhow," Meowth said angrily, placing a paw to his chest. He had intrusive thoughts about Giovanni's Persian wrapped up in a net over a flaming cauldron. He then imagined Giovanni in his underwear, glistening with sweat under the hot summer's sun. His tongue hung out of the side of his mouth. "Oooh, dat Boss! Such a dreamboat."

Jessie slapped him on the back of the head. "Meowth! Stop having your not American child-friendly inter-species gay fantasies about the Boss and get a move on!"

They walked out of their HQ and immediately entered the forest that was three steps away.

"That was conveniently close," Jessie noted.

"And there's another bit of interesting plot convience," said James, pointing. "Look!"

There were Ash, Pikachu, Misty, and Brock walking through the forest at the same exact time.

"There's that infamous Pikachu you're always going on about," said Giovanni. His trio of misfits grimaced. "Let's see you catch it."

"Oh boy," said Meowth. "Dis is puttin' us on da spot, ain't it."

"We're totally going to mess up in front of the boss. I can feel it," said James.

"I can feel the BDSM torture dungeons in the distance," whimpered Jessie. "My only consolation is that the twerps are going to befall the same fate as us."

They cried gently in each other's arms, facing away from Giovanni.

Suddenly Jessie's head lolled back. A bit of drool came out of her mouth. The boys took notice, blinking several times.

"Is something wrong with Jessie?" James wondered. He waved a hand in front of her face and got no response. "She seems more spaced out than usual."

"Dat's weird, all right," said Meowth. "Hey! Wake up!" He shook her.

Jessie's head snapped forward. Her eyes rolled around in her head before fixing on Giovanni. A crooked smile crept across her face. "I think the boss should distract Pikachu by dressing as a transvestite," she said in a deep and hollow monotone voice, seemingly not her own.

James' neck bones cracked, his head tilted to one side. He too suddenly adopted a hunched position, turning to stare at Giovanni with a deranged look and a wicked smirk. "Yeah, Boss. You know you want to wear high heels," he said with the same eerie robotic voice.

Giovanni was two seconds from snapping at them for their insubordination when he felt an intense headache. He clutched his forehead, groaning. He blinked a few times, the world in front of him blurry. "Yes, I do believe that's a good course of action," he said. "I'll do what you do instead of you doing it. Because...um. Because."

"It's the real canon," they whispered. "The one we prefer."

"Okay, dis is definitely unusual," said Meowth, seemingly unaffected by whatever was going on. He shrugged. "But I guess I'll go with it. What choice do I got?"

Giovanni, now dressed as his own mother, stepped out in from of the approaching kids and Pikachu. They stepped back in shock.

"Hey, who's that lady?" asked Ash.

"Lady?" Misty said, squinting.

"She's hot!" Brock said. "Hotter than all the Nurse Joys and Officer Jennies in the world!"

Misty fell over.

"Really?" Giovanni said in falsetto, twirling a lock of wavy hair around his fingers. He blushed kawaiily. "I never get such compliments from my Mommy. Uh, I mean, the other guys."

"Who are you supposed to be," Misty asked with a growing amount of suspicion. She couldn't quite place the face, but she knew she'd seen it before. The lack of eyebrows and those beady little sinister pupils felt familiar.

"I'm Woman Boss, mother of Giovanni," said Giovanni.

"Pika," Pikachu spat from Ash's shoulder, not fooled at all, and very uncomfortable with this sudden turn of events. Pikachu remained on high alert.

Giovanni wrapped his arms around Ash, making the boy recoil momentarily in confusion.

"Giovanni?" asked Ash.

"Yes, Giovanni. The sexiest character in the whole Pokémon franchise," Giovanni said with a sinister smile. "He's the best son in the world and also he's your dad."

Ash gasped. Brock and Misty fell down together.

"WHAT?" they yelled.

"Pika pikachu!" yelled Pikachu. That was Pokémon speak for "That's such bullshit!"

"Pokémon Live is canon," Giovanni whispered. He smiled. "So, how much would you say your Pokémon cost?"

"They're priceless," said Ash. "As in not for sale. Catch your own, lady."

Brock went back into raving pervert dumbass mode. "You can have mine, hot lady!" He grabbed all his balls and offered them to the crazy woman trying to act like this is a casual conversation going on here. "I've got two more but they're tucked in my pants a little more securely than these ones."

"And what did you say about my dad?" asked Ash.

"Oh, it's not important anymore," said Giovanni. "The only important thing is me acting like an intellectually stunted man-baby psychopath while cross-dressing."

"So Woman Boss, let's you and me go out for a while," said Brock. "How's about dinner at 7:00? You bring the wine, I'll bring the sausage. If you catch my drift." He winked repeatedly.

"Oh I think we'll both be packing more than enough sausage," Giovanni said, looking off to one side, lips pursed tightly.

"And now to steal Pikachu with no violent electric shock knocking us senseless and also Ash never noticing we're coming up from behind him and taking Pikachu from his shoulder," said Jessie. "We brought rubber gloves this time and the plot has been laughably contrived."

"Convenient as usual," said James, grabbing Pikachu and covering the creature's mouth.

"The poifect crime and the poifect getaway," said Meowth.

"Wow, my lines of dialogue are embarrassing," said Brock, still smiling like a lovesick idiot. "I don't care though! My brain has been replaced by chocolate pudding." He opened his mouth and some oozed out.

Misty looked horrified. "That's something I didn't need to see."

Team Rocket ran away with Pikachu.

"Oh no!" Ash gasped. "Now that the plot isn't making me into an oblivious fool anymore, I can see that Pikachu is missing from my shoulder! How did I not notice that before?"

"Plot convience," said Giovanni.

"I haven't had any line of dialogue in a while," said Misty angrily. "They've mostly been manufactured by the parody. There's who took Pikachu! It's Team Rocket!"

"Oh no, we can't run fast enough for the sake of the plot," said James, his running speed slowed to a crawl. "I don't like it when the plot contrivances work against us!"

"The boss was supposed to be distracting them from us with his creepy cross-dressing fetish routine the plot always makes him do in order to torment him, but he's not very good at it," said Jessie.

"That's the ongoing joke," said James. "I told him to use the fake boobs more often."

Ash's face went gonk. "The boss? You mean...that was...!" He turned around slowly, a look of fearful anime discomfort on his face.

"Making good money these days? Here and there, boss," said Giovanni. "Wait. Is this copy-pasted so badly that the Suethor forgot to pull out some lines that were also copied into the last fanfic? That's hilarious."

Giovanni whipped off the disguise and smiled at Brock as he walked over to the stunned teen. Giovanni grabbed his face and squeezed it.

"So, are we still on for that date, little man?"

Brock screamed and backed away. "What the hell? Who wrote this? I don't want this! This is in no way what I want! Where's my harem fic? Dick betrayal!"

Giovanni scowled. Guess he really wanted to go on a date with a 15 year old.

"Ha, get it? Sissy men are gay and gay men are child predators," said Brock, trying to wash his eyes out with bleach. "That's what the original fic wants you to come away with here."

"Homophobic jokes, yay," Ash and Misty said in an irritated monotone with matching annoyed looks.

"So funny," said Misty.

"Wait, now who are you supposed to be?" asked Ash. "And wasn't my Pikachu being stolen a few minutes ago?"

"I'm Giovanni, leader of the Rocket Gang. The original leader was my crazy mommy whom I love in an increasingly incestuous manner, as detailed by the original narration. I must praise her every waking moment. Did you enjoy my exposition dump?"

"Not really," said Ash. "Hey, wait! You're my father?"

"According to Pokémon Live, yes," said Giovanni.

"That's not canon!" Misty said.

"It is if I say it is!" said Giovanni. "And by me, I mean the Suethor. Her will is law. None shall denounce it and live." He ran a hand through his hair. "Well. Now that you know my backstory, are you going to allow my trio of hench nitwits to capture your Pikachu? Son?"

"Oh, I forgot about them," said Ash, confusingly.

Misty and Brock fell down.

"This story isn't very good at remembering things from one sentence to the next, is it," said Brock.

"What story?" said Misty. "This is somebody's ongoing stream of consciousness sexual frustration meltdown with some weeaboo random access humor flaming garbage thrown in for random unfitting comedy in between all the torture and murder."

They all started running around, chasing each other.

"Gimme back Pikachu!" Ash demanded.

"No way," Jessie and James said.

"Come and get 'im if you want 'im so bad," said Meowth tauntingly.

"Say hi to your hot mom for me, sonny boy," said Giovanni.

"Poké-balls, go!" Brock said as he threw the balls at Jessie and James' heads, knocking them out cold with two direct hits. "Now that's how you play this game!"

"That was convenient," said Misty as Pikachu was released.

"So none of that with us going after Pikachu really mattered, did it?" said Jessie. "We were set up to fail!"

"This has been a really weird flashback shoved in the middle of another completely separate toned story yet again," said Ash, continuing on his journey to become a Pokémon master. "Okay, bye! Thanks for the weird cameo!"

"Bye," said Misty and Brock, also never to be seen again. They were irrelevant to the plot.

"Pika," said Pikachu before giving the villains all the Thunder Shock of their lives, "CHUUUU!"

Team Rocket laid there in a charred and smoking pile. They quickly got up and crawled on their bellies, like sad snakes, over to Giovanni.

"Explain to me why I shouldn't fire you idiots after that pitifully embarrassing failure," said Giovanni.

"You got to cross-dress," said James. "And you were a pretty enough lady to fool that one kid who hits on all the ladies."

"True. It was a lot of fun," said Giovanni. "I love being in touch with my feminine sissy boy side. It makes me less threatening to the yaoi fangirls."

"This has been a really long weird flashback," said Jessie.

They all ran back to the HQ until Giovanni fell in a hole. All this actually happened in the original fic.

"I have fallen in a hole and I can't get out, halp," yelled Giovanni.

"That was our first Pikachu trap of the day. Ah, brings back memories," said Jessie. "I mean, sorry, Boss! We'll get you out."

"Don't bury me with all my sins," Giovanni groaned.

"Is this supposed to be funny?" James wondered along with the rest of the group.

Meowth and Jessie shook their heads, a mix of confused and disturbed.

"Just get me back to the stupid main fic where I'm angsting over my shitty manufactured sob backstory that excuses all my actions as a villain," said Giovanni. "Because Mary Sues and shipping."

"Sure thing," said the trio, helping pull him from the hole and back to the present day.

Giovanni wandered aimlessly again, bombarded by more stupid creepy flashbacks so the plot could focus on the repetitive torture and humiliation fetishes while calling them canon. "Oh boy, here we go again with more toddler abuse. My favorite."

Giovanni was two again and wandering in the mansion living room. He encountered his horrible mean evil bad villain parents who caused him to become evil with their abusive natures. They were laughing while staring at some Pokémon. Giovanni ran up and tried to touch the Pichu before his dad grabbed his tiny wrist in brutal anger.

"Hands off our Pokémon, you little brat," said his still unnamed father. "You want some, catch your own." He tightened his grip to a crushing pressure, until the tiny tot fell to his knees.

Giovanni's mother got up and picked him up. "Time for beddy-bye! I'll tuck you in! No need to check if you've got any broken bones from dear old dad. We simply ignore this and act very casual at the most inappropriate shit imaginable."

Giovanni blushed...uh. Okay. Giovanni blushed at his dear sweet loving mommy. And immediately fell asleep on her shoulder.

After a few hours, he woke up and heard scratching. He followed the sound and saw the poor Pokémon caged up and depressed. Taking pity on the mistreated creatures, baby two year old Giovanni somehow managed to undo all the locks and latches and let them out even though he could barely walk or anything else a few dozen paragraphs ago. The three Pokémon roamed free. He went through a Pokémon doggy door they had in the mansion.

Our innocent bunch of animals and children wandered into the bustling Viridian City streets, where there were speeding cars and no traffic laws. For plot convience. Giovanni rode on top of the Growlithe, laughing and carefree. Then he climbed on the Arbok and rode it as well. And then he cuddled the Pichu. No fic is complete without cuddling the Suethor's favorite animals.

Or a graphic chain of unbelievably overblown violence that goes on for far too long and gets more uncomfortable the longer it simultaneously drags on and escalates.

And then they all wandered into the street and got hit by a car. A hit and run. No police. No passers by. No witnesses.

And they were right by the mansion, apparently. The dad heard Giovanni screaming and crying and the thud from the car. Madame Boss slept through everything.

The dad got dressed and went out, gasping when he saw the expensive Pokémon dead and mashed in the street, their innards splattered all over the place. Baby Giovanni was alive. For the sake of the plot. Somehow Giovanni was on the sidewalk now instead of the street. Crying and crying. He whined to get his dad's attention. Yeah, because being smashed by a fucking car didn't do anything. Well, it actually didn't. The story is pushing this insanity in a completely serious manner that makes it all the harder to read.

"My idiot son, getting hit by cars at night!" scoffed the father.

Giovanni was covered in cuts and bruises. No broken bones or anything, thankfully. His dad continued to ignore him.

"I hope you die," said his father darkly," slowly and painfully."

Giovanni sobbed harder. "Waaaah!"

"You didn't open the pen and release all these Pokémon, did you?" asked his father stupidly at the obvious. "How'd they get out here in the street, all murdered by cars now! Shocking that nobody noticed these things walking out in the street with a little kid, and secondly, just hit everyone full blast and kept going. For the sake of the plot. Where are the police and bystanders? Where is anyone? There's no one else populating the planet except when a plot device is needed."

"Waaah," Giovanni bawled, in realistic horrible pain.

His dad slapped him, knocking him down. God damn, you are so evil, Suethor. You live to torture. Everyone! Adults, women, men, children, animals. No one is spared from your vile wrath.

Giovanni tried to stand up. His dad walked over and shoved him down again.

"You got all these expensive Pokémon killed, you brat. Now we have to buy new ones. Everyone in this family sucks at catching them."

His dad cleaned up the corpses and took them back home to their mansion where they each received a proper Christian burial in the back yard. That probably has a cemetery with a rose gardne because that happens in every fic too.

Rain started pouring dramatically at that moment, signifying Giovanni's pain and tears and such. He then bumped into his Persian again, licking his head.

But instead of this scene happening like the last time with Madame Boss, she's replaced by his unnamed dad for the time being. Giovanni was nervous when his evil father approached him.

"I'll be taking that Persian," he said, scowling at his shrieking terribly injured toddler. "You need to think about what you did."

What? Get hit by a fucking car? Then get no hospitalization? Then get slapped and beat by the dad? For the sake of entertainment? Holy fuck, man. Cruel.

He went back to the mansion with the Persian following him, once again drawn by the scent of booze, leaving Giovanni to cry alone in the rain, with the narration obsessing over how scared and abandoned he felt. And how much that phobia of thunder and lightening kept showing up in every fic this person has ever written. Patterns. Someone has astraphobia.

"I was a very tragic abused child in someone's warped Mary Sue shipping headcanon fetishizing violence and death and torture and sexual dysfunction over and over and that makes me not a villain so they can feel better about wanting to fuck me and ship incest in front of their social justice buddies who have all denounced it as problematic," said adult Giovanni. "I'm going insane. Oop, and another flashback. God help us all. Now what?"

Now they were in his office where he cuddled his pet Persian. His idiot minions came in, holding their hands behind their backs suspiciously.

"That better not be rope," Giovanni grumbled. "If I had an eyebrow to lift, I'd do it." The Persian in his lap hissed at them, sensing danger.

"No, no, it's a rare Pokémon," said Jessie.

"Oh. Okay. But it better not be something lame as a bad joke," said Giovanni, letting down his guard.

"HA HA, SUCKER! Plot twist: It's a friggin' gun I'm gonna moider your Persian with!" yelled Meowth as he pulled out a gun and shot Giovanni's Persian in the head. It fell on the rug, in a pool of blood. "I've been jealous of dat feisty feline fraud ever since it stole your heart away from me! Also wow, dis is a dark fic when it had really bizarre elements of comedy a while ago."

"You really should have seen that coming," said James.

"Jesus Christ, what the fuck," Giovanni gasped, stunned at the harsh turn of events though he shouldn't have been. "Wait, I'm still in a flashback, right?"

He quickly went to press a button on the underside of his desk that would trigger some lasers to fire at his enemies while a trapdoor opened to allow him into a panic room. But then he remembered this was a bad fanfic and that didn't exist anywhere but inside his frantic mind.

"Oh right. I don't have any security measures or anything. For the sake of the plot." He burst into tears. "My beloved Persian! You traitorous freaks of nature! I knew I should have fired you a long time ago, or more likely had your feet encased in cement blocks and you all tossed into the deepest ocean!"

"And I'm going to continue to make money jokes until the end of time," said James, also holding a gun. "This is for not paying us enough, you cheapskate." He fired and struck Giovanni in the shoulder.

"What is even going on here," Giovanni yelled in pain and shock and confusion.

"I blame you for my mother's death. It was your mission to capture the Mew she went on and then got lost and presumably died," said Jessie. "Ooh, I get to fire the killing blow. Nice!"

She aimed and fired at Giovanni's head.

"Wait," said the present Giovanni. "Was I just imagining all that? But why? Oh, wait. Am I dead? I'm dead now because the inept comedy trio Team Rocket goons murdered me? Of all people? Are you fucking serious?"

Yes. Giovanni realized he had been murdered and again doing a Jacobs Ladder flashback sequence for far too long so the plot could get its orgasmic fetish torture murder death ghost jollies before finally ending abruptly. He sighed and sat back down in the chair floating in the darkness.

"Okay then," he said, his voice echoing. "Guess I'll spend the rest of my eternal hellish existence in purgatory or wherever it is obsessing over my mommy and repeating my 'beautiful' line from Birth of Mewtwo. She was so beautiful! Very beautiful woman and mother. She loved me so much and spoiled me rotten. And then regretted it because she was a cheap ass bitch. Oh, no wait, she was actually an abusive freak who tormented me until I turned evil and made bad decisions that have gotten me murdered. Welp."

He remembered his dad died before he was born and everything was really that one fic with his crazy mommy Madame Boss in it, not the dad tormenting him the whole time. What a tweest!

"Right, my evil psychotic mother tortured me my whole life. She did all that crazy stuff you just read about that we're being redundant with by going over them piece by piece again. Now I've got a thousand year curse and I'm all alone...for eternity! Sob! I miss my Mary Sue waifu, who's got to be Miyamoto now since Jessie shot me in the fucking head. That backstabbing bitch. I hate her and James. And Meowth. Who I barely recognize at all to begin with, he's so irrelevant."

Sobbing again, he trembled and got on his knees. He held them to his chest and sobbed some more.

"I deserve to suffer after touching the sacred Pokémon...what? What sacred Pokémon? Are you taking about my mom's Pokémon that some drunk driver hit? What makes them sacred? What the fuck is this fanfic? It makes NO FUCKING SENSE!" He collapsed. "I'm destined by the narration to sob until I'm too weak to do anything else. Aren't I dead? What is going on? Is this Hell? I thought my lived life being trapped in shitty OOC Mary Sue kawaii torture lust fanfic was hell enough."

He thought about his Persian and then he was made to feel bad about shoving Meowth aside and oh...I know exactly where this is going. This is the ex-boyfriend revenge catharsis again. Got it. Poor Giovanni. How was he to know Meowth would get so resentful of being replaced as top cat that he'd go insane and attempt murder. That's so natural and in character for him, the little goofball.

And then Giovanni keeps going through all the previous events and some more redundancy. We love redundancy. So fucking. Much.

"I love it as much as my mommy," said Giovanni, remembering how the Persian's blood splashed all over his expensive carpet, and then he began obsessing over his mommy again. "I know she's evil and cruel, but I love her that way. I don't have a choice. The plot always forces me to. I want her back! Mommy! Be my dommy again!"

Years ago, Madame Boss started the Rocket Gang and made Giovanni her bitch. She was also the one who turned him evil by brainwashing him into accepting cruelty and thievery as normal. Woe and torment. He was a good, sweet, kind little boy until she forced him down the path of darkness. She beat and tormented him and humiliated him so he'd be bad and mean.

"Didn't do nothin' wrong," whispered Giovanni into the darkness. "I am a perfect cinnamon roll." His bottom lip trembled before he burst into more sobs. "It's canon! You haters. I'm a good person, kind and loving and pure. Woobify me." Some Leather Pants crawled out from the darkness and slid up his legs. "I look so good in these."

And then the fire consumed him.

THE END


	6. Mommy's Boy Part 1

MOMMY'S BOY  
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants  
Mommy dom, little boy. This was a whole lot of senseless graphic torture to slog through. Again.

MOMMY'S BOY

One day, a crazed weeaboo narcissist Suethor with a grudge saw Giovanni in his underwear in a super gay muscle stud fetish Meowth Boss fantasy imagine sequence and decided to mutilate him into their newest repetitive sissy boy uke fem-dom torture victim while dubbing themselves the most brilliant writer in the fandom and declaring their absurd headcanons the actual canon of the show, and assuming everyone else should obey them as law. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And away we go. Again.

The Joan Crawford stand-in known as Madame Boss, or Woman Boss, if you prefer because it's funnier, spun in her office chair one day, doing nothing else.

Giovanni, formerly known in native Nihongo as Sakaki, silently stepped up behind her. That is some awkwardly terrible writing in the original version. Not the best way to hook an audience over seven years old. Learn to proper descriptor terms and create less beige sentences. Also plot outside of boring repeating torture fetish scenarios. Expand your horizons. Not everyone wants to read your own personal masturbation fantasy. If you want to write smut and gain an audience for it, you either have to have that niche audience in mind to begin with looking for whatever narrow fetish you can provide that you all already share, or break it down into something more general audience approved taste. Don't get mad when the masses lack interest and start hurling insults at you because you spam the whole section with this shit repeatedly every fucking day.

"Mother," Giovanni began.

The chair came to a squeaking stop. She faced him. "Giovanni?"

"Where's my double OTP?" was of course the first thing out of Giovanni's mouth. Priorities. "Where's the only two characters who matter in this years long running franchise besides you and myself? Where's Hot Stepmom 1 and her Hotter Daughter? AKA Miyamoto and Jessie. I wanna have a threesome."

Woman Boss grunted at her sexually frustrated adult-baby idiot son. "I don't know. I sent Miyamoto on a death mission to hunt the Mew a long time ago. I think she died during a freak avalanche in the Andes mountains or something. Her fate was kind of ambiguous." She pulled out a drawer from her desk and reached into it, removing a script. She tossed it onto the desk within reach of her son. It was the script for The Birth of Mewtwo. "Read that. It should answer everything. It's what all of these shitty Mary Sue insanity fics have been ripped near word for word from with various stupid torture porn death scenarios clumsily pasted in between. It's canon now. Don't question it. If you do, you're a jealous troll." She belched loudly.

"Uh okay," Giovanni said as he picked it up and flipped through it. "So what happened to Miyamoto, exactly?

"No one knows. But chances are she's probably dead, so start crying buckets, you little bitch."

"MOMMY DEAD? NO!"

Giovanni gasped and ran to the phone. He dialed a number. And I do mean dial. We had rotary phones back in the day. Scary. You think lanline is ancient? He worriedly listened to it ring before a woman's voice picked up on the other side of the line.

"HELLO? MUSASHI? WHERE'S YOUR HOT MILF MOMMA?"

"Uh, who is this?"

"Giovanni. Remember, you and me used to fuck? Platonically. We were best friends when we were toddlers who saw each other for one day until my psychotic mother separated us. She wanted me to grow up evil and cruel, like her, entirely against my own will. I have no idea how these cold hard canon facts got established. Methinks it wast sharted from betwixt a heaving buttocks, but what do I know."

"Oooh, yeah. Now I remember. I think. What's up?"

"ANOTHER INAPPROPRIATELY TIMED JOKE!" That's not funny. It's stupid. What are you, five? Oh wait, baby play. Never mind. "Ha ha, anyway. Is your mom dead?"

"I was six years old when she left to go on that fateful mission. We're gonna keep repeatedly referring to selected plot points of Birth of Mewtwo since there's no actual story to weave around all this impending horror porn," Jessie explained.

"Jessie, we gotta go look for her. I can't stand the thought of having only one hot bitch to fawn over me every waking moment, feed me, buy me expensive items, listen to my off key singing, and maybe let me stick my dick in her anytime I want. Platonically," Giovanni cried. "That's all you females exist in the story for."

"I know," Jessie said with heavy disappointment. "It's what all female characters are fated to do in the hands of misogynistic Suethor weeaboos." Her voice picked up again to eerily cheerful. "Anyway, that's a good idea you had! I can't form sassy opinions of my own anymore. Meet me in a half hour in my mom's cabin in a random snow field near the Andes mountains. And I hope nothing terrible happens to us. Like we could die in the same avalanche that might have maybe killed my mom, like in Birth of Mewtwo, or a bunch of bad fanfics reusing that scene over and over but with different canon male characters the writer ships their poorly disguised Mary Sue with."

Giovanni hung up the phone and magically instant-transmissioned to the cabin in that same sentence where they were already searching for Miyamoto. Oh, no, wait. We have to do the creepy setup where he's ogling her.

"Mmm, you look hotter than when I first laid eyes on you when I was two years old," said Giovanni. She was wearing a white dress, a color that seems to have some significance, seeing how it's in every story. White, white, white. Is this some sort of weird virginal bride purity thing? And all the designated evil characters dress in black. There's another black and white thinking joke in there somewhere. "Girl, you have filled out in all the right places. And by that I mean your big tits and juicy ass, the only parts of you that matter to me. I bet you'd look hot in a white dominatrix outfit. I could call you Ivy."

Jessie giggled. "Oh, you." She fluttered her eyelashes at him coyly. "It's a good thing neither James nor Meowth are here to get in between our ship."

"Yeah. They don't matter at all and would be easily removed from the plot at every opportunity," Giovanni agreed. "So what do you do all day?"

"I eat snow and think about my mother constantly."

"How sad. Spending your whole life eating and obsessing over mommy's attention. Oh wait, I do that too now," said Giovanni. He sighed.

"Almost every character this person writes does," said Jessie.

They both looked at the fourth wall. "No correlation," they said in unison before turning back to each other.

"By the way, I'm too stupid to know why you've got a Team Rocket logo on your chest. Please explain it to me. I only noticed it when I stopped starting at your giant boobies for three seconds."

"I'm a member of Team Rocket, dummy," Jessie said. "Remember Team Rocket? It's that organization we're supposed to belong to. But all the known members barely do anything relating to the canon. It's a villanous organization. And Purity Suethors can't have bad people doing bad things in their stories unless they're the manufactured villain proxies of the preferred OTP, which never include the actual canon villains for some reason, who can never do any wrong. By the way, does your mother still beat and torture you? I always found that sexy."

"She yells at me a lot," Giovanni said, breaking out of a thousand yard stare. "Sometimes she forces me to eat vegetables. Other times, she takes photos of me sitting nude on the toilet. Or sometimes with my underwear. It's very humiliating and I blush and cry a lot. Then she laughs and takes more pictures."

"This is off to a good start," said Jessie, nodding.

"Just wait, it gets better. And by that, I mean it gets worse. So much worse," said Giovanni. "You can barely tell who you are without the name pasted on."

"You too, asshole," said Random Female Character, but in a flirty way.

"Touché," said Craig.

"We'd better watch our or we could both be turned into talking lamps," said Lamp 1 to Lamp 2. "Or worse," said Red And White Vibrating Dildo to Light Blue Boxer Shorts.

They traveled up the random mountain until the freak blizzard started.

"Aw, heck. There goes the plot trying to kill us again," said Giovanni. "We'd better cram in some more filler dialogue before we start wandering aimlessly, screaming for our mommies while slowly dying again. Like in all those other stories with the same fucking plot. Yawn! Who wants to read this over and over again, honestly?" The Suethor who thinks everyone shares her extremely narcissistic and narrow POV, obvs.

"Why are you so obsessed with my mom, Giovanni?" Jessie asked.

"STEPMOMMY FETISH," he bellowed. Jessie gave him a startled look. He blushed. "Or any walking submissive clingy female stereotype who will above all worship the Suethor's current interchangeable favorite male character, really. If it's not a mother or stepmother, it's a wife or fiance or girlfriend or always explicitly female baby. That's pretty much it. You can reverse this from sub to dom as needed. The characters all do one thing, and that is OBSESSIVELY WORSHIP THE AUTHOR'S INSERT."

Jessie sneezed, causing an avalanche that buried them both.

"SHIIIIIT," they screamed.

And then Giovanni was tragically separated from his hot platonic waifu by the mean old snow.

"It's cold as shit and I'm sad," said Giovanni, summarizing most of this needlessly long winded story.

He began to flashback again to how he and Jessie met each other twenty years ago, when he was two years old. They stared at each other like blossoming heteros do, while Woman Boss and Miyamoto engaged in the word for word stolen dialogue from Birth of Mewtwo, but, you know. It's switched round a little. That makes it original. Again.

"Making good money these days?" Woman Boss sloshed her drink around before chugging it.

"My daughter is cute, cute, cute!" Miyamoto chirped. "Cute, cute, cute! And now she's also two instead of six, so shipping them is more okay than it was before. Guess somebody finally criticized our favorite writer, causing the immediate predictable backpedal and haphazard attempt to fix things for fear of being called out as a total poser who has never had a thing to do with Pokémon outside a handful of specific things involving Giovanni, Madame Boss, and myself, AKA the preferred Mary Sue before they were forced to switch to using Jessie due to lack of sufficient popularity of Miyamoto that jeapordized review baiting."

"Whatever," Woman Boss said, fixing herself another drink.

"Isn't she the same exact age as your cute little boy?" Miyamoto asked.

"He's a LITTLE BRAT BOY! But yeah, now she's the same age as Giovanni instead of being older than him for some reason."

Giovanni ran up and grabbed Jessie's pigtails, yanking them as hard as he could. "Suck my pee-pee, silly haired bitch!" he chirped. She punched him in the face. "No! You poo poo butt! Put on some panties first and pee them!" They both fell to the ground, slapping each other and rolling around. "You first! No you! You're the sub! No, you're the sub!"

"Aw, they love each other already," said Miyamoto.

"It's not love, you disconcertingly saccharine fool. They've got the family addiction to BDSM in their veins," Woman Boss said with a snicker. Her face immediately locked into a hateful frown. "Oh, wait." She went over and pried them apart. "Stop having fun, you fuckers! YOU KNOW I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN ANYONE DOES SOMETHING I DON'T APPROVE OF OR TAKES ATTENTION AWAY FROM ME OR HAS A RELATIONSHIP! Or any combination of those." She rolled them away from each other with her foot.

"You should teach your baby to be cheerfully subservient and heterosexual, otherwise they might grow up rebelliously strong willed able to form opinions of their own or a deviant sexual pervert," said Miyamoto. "My cute little daughter is nice and cute."

Woman Boss made an exaggerated gagging motion. That's what grown and intelligent business women do. "I feel like I'm being written by a ten year old in the body of a socially inept 24 year old." She dumped more booze down her throat. "Your daughter is going to turn out to be a brat girl, Miyamoto-chan. It's canon whether you like it or not."

"No, she's cute and nice. Last night she ate an entire chocolate cake. It was cute."

"Holy shit, you're as fucked up as I am when it comes to parenting," laughed Woman Boss. "You fucking hypocrite! Perfect my ass."

"What? It's not normal for a parent to allow their child to eat an entire chocolate cake?" Miyamoto tilted her head to one side.

Woman Boss threw her head back and cackled drunkenly. "NO, YOU DUMBFUCK. Maybe in your household. That would explain an awful lot."

"Children will be children. And bad parents will be bad parents." Miyamoto smiled while tilting her head to the opposite side. "And I will continue to have no real personality."

"All this talk of cuteness is making me want to puke," said Woman Boss. "Why did you bring your daughter here anyway?"

"I wanted to pre-establish their Christian approved heterosexuality," said Miyamoto. "They are the One True Pairing. As designated by God Himself. Who everyone devoutly worships thanks to my narrow world view."

"Makes sense. These stories wouldn't exist without the shipping bullshit, since that's the only reason this Suethor is here in the first place," said Woman Boss. "I can't stand the thought of Giovanni being a little gay freak and cross-dresser. Although it kind of turns me on to think about a man wearing humiliating feminine clothing as a punishment." She pulled out a black book and jotted some notes down. She shoved the book into her bra and spilled some booze onto her dress. "Shit, I have to leave the plot conveniently right now at this moment. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

She ran upstairs.

"Now that she's gone, I can cuddle her poorly disguised author's Mary Sue boyfriend baby," said Miyamoto, picking up Giovanni and sitting him on her lap. "She must hate children because no one who ever refers to children as brats can be fond of children! Brat is an entirely abusive and problematic term. Spoiled brat is worse. It implies they're being given everything they want in life but still not content with it and will continue to demand more." She bounced him up and down on her knee. He giggled. "Don't worry, Gio-chan! I would never hurt you if I was your mommy. I would never make you eat vegetables or set reasonable boundaries in life for you for your own safety. Then you could grow up to be an uncontrollable constantly shrieking narcissistic adult-baby who gets irrationally violent when they don't get their own way. Kind of like your mom. Who is characterized as an insane serial abuser and pedophile in every story anyhow. So she is pretty hateful and dangerous to be around children, come to think of it."

Giovanni fell asleep against her chest and dreamed of his mother who was a demon scaring him into becoming a villain against his will. There's no way a man could ever become a jerkass villain type character without some form of outside trauma or force. None whatsoever. I won't imagine that kind of scenario's existence. Giovanni is a cinnamon roll. He never did anything bad. And then Jessie was there. She was on fire. Like Isabella Dragotti. The Suethor's actual Sue OC who's married to Craig Dragotti. Who is not cosplaying as Giovanni right now. No correlation.

Giovanni whimpered in the face of the actual canon. He was disgusted by it. "Not my canon," he moaned.

Miyamoto, who existed only to provide comfort to the main male character after trauma, did what she was written to do. She hugged him and kissed him like a good mommy figure while the original narration whined and bitched about how tragically abused poor Giovanni must have been at just two years old and boo hoo, on and on. He's misunderstood and traumatized, suspiciously like every villain tossed into the hands of a rabid Suethor with a passionate contempt for canon and a bizarre lust for purity standards. Loki, The Joker, Lex Luthor, Norman Osborn, Spike, Snape, Light Yagami, Sephiroth, Ganondorf, Albert Wesker, Bill Cipher, Van Kleiss, Megatron, Grant Ward, Slade, Purple Man, Kylo Ren, whoever. The list goes on for miles. We've heard the song and dance before a dozen times. It's all the same.

You know you can enjoy a villain for who he is in canon, right? There's no law against this. People love to act like there is.

Woman Boss stumbled down the stairs wearing her normal outfit. She gasped when she saw what her former friend was doing in her absence. "HOW DARE YOU TEACH MY BRATTY SON THE MEANING OF LOVE! I'm trying to make him into a shady villain like the canon has him and you go and fuck it up by trying to make him into a misunderstood cinnamon roll too small and precious for this cruel world, perfect and pure, who can do no wrong! That means somebody's going to be paired with him in some aggressively forced OTP! This triggers my long exhibited paranoia and jealousy!"

"Do you spank him a lot?"

"Yes, it turns me on," Woman Boss said.

"That's mean," said Miyamoto. "Also disturbing."

"It's completely normal, you judgmental prude kinkshaming little fuckshit bitch." Woman Boss didn't like hearing opinions that weren't her own. She grabbed Giovanni's hand and stormed away to her office, slamming the door. "I'M GONNA BDSM THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!"

"It's a shame child protective services doesn't exist in this world," said Miyamoto sadly, placing her hands in her lap and then sitting there, doing nothing. "And if they do, I can't call them anyway. Because I can't do anything that would jeopardize the plot's need for linear patterns." She noticed her daughter being rebellious by going over to the door when she hadn't been ordered to do so. "No, Jessie. Nice females don't do that. Asserting free will goes against our teachings."

Inside the torture office, Woman Boss beat the everliving shit out of her two year old son while he screamed. Suddenly the door burst open and Miyamoto showed up to save the day. She grabbed Woman Boss's wrist.

Madame Boss's head snapped around. She stared into Miyamoto's soul with her insane hateful eyes. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded, her voice low and feral.

"Exhibiting free will for the first time in my life but only when the plot calls for me to be a device and never when it doesn't?" said Miyamoto somewhat timidly.

"Well you picked a damned inconvenient time to do it." Woman Boss's face turned purple with rage. "I should fire you, Miyamoto. Out of a cannon! Into a volcano!"

"Please don't be mean to the Suethor's favorite male figure, Ma'am," begged Miyamoto.

"Never! Let me go before I break your arm," Woman Boss ordered. Her submissive servant obeyed. "Remember when you had an actual personality in the radio drama canon?"

Miyamoto glanced toward the ceiling wistfully. "No."

Madame Boss laughed at her.

"Little brat boy!" Woman Boss fumed. "This scene didn't change anything. It served no real purpose, other than more filler. Now get the fuck out!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

Giovanni continued to cry and scream.

Miyamoto was forced by the author to internally declare how much she wanted to adopt him as her son and be the better mother and let him grow up to fuck her daughter, as heavily implied by the original narration. Step sibling incest is still technically sibling incest. But it's okay when we do it. Not the rest of fandom we're jealous of. Mmkay. And so on, so on, the Suethor obviously inserting into Miyamoto, raving about how she'd make dear Giovanni into a perfect nice daddy son regressive entitled man-child whatever instead of a rude but charismatic jerk businessman and villain like in canon. Same as every male villain they've written into any fanfic ever. No correlation. SO TEDIOUS.

"Don't ever bring your brat girl here again, you hear me! You'll both corrupt my son with your dumbass happy uguu kawaii perfect family with hilarious blatant incestuous traits the story seems to never acknowledge as a bad thing. I prefer beatings, bondage, forced feminization, and head shaving myself. None of that cuddly vanilla prude normie crap here. MY COURT, MY RULES!"

Miyamoto gasped. "Okay, ma'am. Are you going to fire me again? Your son did kiss me too. Now I am tainted."

"Not yet. You're the canonical best member of the Rocket Gang, my personal favorite, and the Suethor's high tier self-insert purity mommy character to my evil mommy character. Meaning I can't break the chain yet. You have to die so everyone can sob like idiots," she said, struggling to open another bottle of Vodka. "Lucky you."

"Guess that means we can't have sleep overs at my house," said Miyamoto.

"Your original dialogue reads like you're more drunk than I am," said Woman Boss.

"Blah, blah, filler obsessing over a predatory and deliberately wannabe incestuous OTP," said Miyamoto. She smiled and tilted her head to one side, eyes closed. "Hypocrisy."

Jessie toddled around until she felt Giovanni's man-child pain and started sobbing hysterically too because she had to clone the Suethor's lead pilot character's actions and also they were somehow psychically bonded or something. Holy flippity shit, this is familiar. Giovanni jumped back into their arms and kissed them. Platonically. This time, thank God.

"HORRIBLE BRAT BOY!" Woman Boss shrieked. She grabbed her son and yanked him away.

"MOMMMMMMMMMY!" he wailed in Miyamoto's direction. Damn, you got all this from a single line in the transcript where she called him a brat boy? ONCE? Whatever, man.

"Damn straight!" Woman Boss inhaled her fury and expelled it through her nose. "You bitch! I wanted his first word to be BOXER SHORTS and now you ruined it!"

"It would be awesome to have both a son and a daughter. And to have them grow up to platonically fuck each other and make lots of babies for me to coo over," Miyamoto said. "That's normal, right?"

"YOU SHITTING PIECE OF SHIT!" Woman Boss grabbed her son's arm and tugged on it, stretching the developing bones and ligaments to their limit.

Jessie screamed. Miyamoto just scowled before getting up and leaving. Jesus. What the fuck?

"Don't let the door hit you on your plump ass on the way out," Woman Boss called after her. "In the canon we're supposed to be good friends and generally nice mothers, despite me being the more snarky, condescending, and strict of the two. So naturally, fuck canon and twist that bitch all the way around 180 degrees until the bones break!" She mimicked the action of snapping delicate arm bones, making the cracking sound with her mouth. Then she burst into more wicked laughter.

And now for the three miles of toddler torture.

Anyone with weak stomachs might want to leave the room. I mean, this is the PARODY version. It nonetheless contains a lot of rough shit for the sake of being pointed out and ridiculed. Namely a two year old boy getting violently BDSM'd, pissing, humiliation, and generally fucked up concepts treated in an unbearably casual manner by the original fic. You've been warned.

"Time for the whip!" Woman Boss pulled out her trusty whip and began cracking it as there was a generous fade to black.

And then it was night and Giovanni pissed himself and his bed. The sad thing is this is actually a water sports fetish hidden inside the serious and depressing topic of child abuse. The adult characters in the other stories written by this grandiose wackjob just get tied up and their mouthed pissed in. It's a shame to so easily swap an adult for a child simply because the author enjoys the idea of harming a child as much as they do an adult character or animal. They are all interchangeable pieces of meat.

He ran to Woman Boss's room and climbed into bed with her, getting piss all over her bed as well. Misery loves company. Woman Boss woke up and flipped her shit as predicted.

"THAT'S SO NASTY! HOW DARE YOU! I'm not even turned on by this! That makes me angry!" She began spanking him again before she took him into the kitchen and pushed him outside and locked the door.

Baby Giovanni was outside screaming for an unspecified time before he wandered out into the street and...WAIT FOR IT...he got hit by a fucking car. That happens a lot to other characters too in other stories of similar plot. BUT HE LIVED.

Woman Boss heard the ruckus and opened her window. "SHUT THE FUCK UP OUT THERE! I HAVE TO WASH MY EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS BECAUSE OF YOU, PISS BABY BRAT BOY!"

There was a hit and run. Of a two year old. Who didn't die. But he also didn't get any medical attention.

And his mom. Just.

Sadly not the worst things I've witnessed in one of this person's fics.

Again, I must reinforce this point...you know those people out there who get off to terrible material simply because they like it? No unhealthy coping mechanism behind anything. They honestly enjoy the continuous suffering of others. And have made it well known. Yeah. Unsettling. You can't really make this funny. It only gets more disturbing and disgusting the longer it goes on. Sigh. We've got a long way to go. Hold tight.

Or, you know. Just leave. For the sake of your sanity.

Woman Boss skipped down the steps and opened the mansion door to find her bratty son sitting in the street, unmangled by the convenient hit and run. She smiled. He screamed and cried. She licked her lips.

"I hope you," Woman Boss said dramatically, taking a hit from a cigarette on a long holder and then exhaling the smoke with her words, "die slowly and painfully."

Christ, lady, why not just kill him yourself? And he probably will die if he doesn't get some fucking medical attention.

PLOT TWIST: HE DOESN'T!

But Giovanni doesn't die, remarkably. Saved by ZERO LOGIC.

So she left him outside in the rain that started to fall at that very moment on top of everything, so tragic and insane and convenient. And that's how he met his Persian who came out of nowhere and licked him on the head and face.

But, oh no, Woman Boss came back. For more torture lust. We didn't get enough of that already.

"A nasty stray?" She stared at the screaming boy. "YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!" What? Piss the bed and get hit by a car? Inconvenience our evil demon Mommy-dom? "Now momma needs more drinkies."

She went back to the mansion. The Persian followed her, taken by the scent of booze. Here comes the phobia of thunder and lighting that also shows up in every fic. Giovanni's afraid of it too. Just like Sublimino and who all else. Hmm. Everyone the author projects into. No correlation. Giovanni screamed at the thunder.

Specifically an hour later, his batshit mom came back.

"If you ever wet the bed again, I'll slice you up into little chunks and feed those chunks to my new pet Persian," she whispered, leaning down to his face.

SOMEONE, CALL CHILD PROTECTION SERVICES, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK!

It continues on and on.

She grabbed Giovanni by the hand and spanked him again before shoving him back into the mansion and dragging him to his room.

Giovanni for whatever reason assumed giving his insane destructive mother face kissies would calm her wrath. So he again went back to test his fate. He found her sleeping with the Persian on the bed. He had an obsession with kitties, so he went up to the Persian and pet its head.

Woman Boss opened her eyes and Giovanni saw nothing but maniacal hate there. She scowled the scowliest scowl of all scowls. Scowl. He shrieked at her contorted demonic visage.

"Do I have to chain you up in the basement again?"

He tried hugging her.

She shoved him off. "GO AWAY, YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE BRAT! I SHOULD HAVE ABORTED YOU!" She backhanded him. "Get the fuck out!"

Reference was made to his timid eyes. The Suethor continued manufacturing this horrific traumafest so she could say Giovanni has it bad, his mom always hated him, forced him to be evil against his will, and he never did anything wrong, ever. So we can ship the Purity Sue with him and claim it to be canon. But mostly because it's the biggest recurring fetish around here and the author totally GETS OFF ON THE SUFFERING OF OTHERS.

Giovanni cried and cried and cried, not realizing the only thing it did was turn his mother on even more. His emotions went out of control, as the original narration loves to reference. Again and again and again and again. And again. Somebody gets off on emotional abuse! Poor Giovanni. He just wanted his cruel mommy's sadistic love, as the author keeps trying to affirm. Right. She threw him off the bed.

"PERVERT!" Actual line.

Oh shit. It's escalating.

Woman Boss grabbed her cigarettes and lit it and then burned it into Giovanni's arm and HOLY FUCK.

Enough child torture for the sake of being extra edgy darkfic that's secretly because we enjoy it but don't want to admit it because then people in the fandom and others will know we're a hypocrite. An extremely bitter one with an infinite victim complex that hasn't changed in seven years, much less seventeen.

He shrieked and cried before running back to his room, finally getting it through his developing child brain that his mother was a hateful narcissistic freak who only wanted to hurt him for her own benefit. Trauma is how you make villains. That's the only way. I have never seen a Suethor go to such lengths to justify their OOC wooby perfect nonthreatening moe blob baby-daddyboyfriendo headcanons on the side of just plain old indulging in wildly OOC rape-and-torture porn for the sake of it. Nor in such a terrifying manner. They are all completely interchangeable. Every single male character the Suethor designates as the newest favorite in the world ends up with this same abuse tragic dead waifu girlfriend or fiance or baby backstory. And the heroes of the fic and any other main cast members never show up at all. Or if they do, they're turned into the villains or reduced to more simple plot devices. And somehow this is canon. Ha ha, NO.

And then Mew, the cuddly magical kitty showed up.

"Mew, mew, mew," said Mew, hovering over Giovanni's bed.

We know what Mew looks like. That is not an accurate description.

"Moo moo! I wuv woo!" baby Giovanni babbled before he grabbed it and hugged it.

And the original plot goes on to explain how the Mew sensed the vile cruelty of Giovanni's mother and came to befriend him so he wouldn't be sad and corrupted by evil and oh my God. Enough of this. We get it, he's your woobie-chan desu and the Mew-Mew is your kitty obsession. Who needs a Persian? Mew is more popular.

Giovanni rubbed the magical kitty's big toesies and then rubbed its ears and they slept together and it was very kawaii desu. And then the next morning they laughed and kissed on the lips. Deeply.

Okay. Before this turns into more Poké-bestiality...

There was a bunch of useless filler where they did cutesy shit and didn't toss a ball correctly. Then Mew threw a tempter tantrum, the ongoing theme for most characters here. Then Giovanni had more intrusive thoughts about his pre-established soulmate lover Jessie and how his mom had broken their friendship chain. What?

Is that...is that a literal BDSM thing or some random innocuous term to be taken the wrong way because I have never heard it before until now?

Is this seriously some platonic BDSM thing this person is obsessed with and hates their mother for...literally...breaking their "friendship chain" as in chain leash dog collar or something? And they've been holding a grudge for fifteen years over it?

I don't. What?

Wot. Whuh. HUH?

You know what? I don't want to know.

This story is now 95% kawaii uguu Mew, Mew, Mew, cute Mew. And baby Giovanni. He started to cry thinking about how his mommy broke the Friendship Chain.

And then his mom showed up again. Oh boy. Here we go. To the bunker! Run!

"Stop having horrible thoughts!"

First of all, is she now psychic? Also, you first, crazy freaking bitch creepy Suethor insert. I hope Madame Psycho Mob Boss 1000 dies in a random car accident. She's my least favorite character thanks to this godawful string of fanfiction.

Luckily our dear Mew was there to shield poor Giovanni from further abuse.

"Oooh, the rarest Pokémon from back in the day," Woman Boss gasped. "You little shit brat boy! You were going to capture it for yourself and deny me my profit, weren't you?"

She left and came back with a belt for more ass whippin'. Can't get enough of it.

Mew couldn't be hit by the leather belt and kept on taunting the insane woman. Oh, and it didn't protect Giovanni at all, who was getting hit by the belt every time Mew vanished. So, yeah. Nice kissy-face friend there, Gio. And the leather belt has become sentient enough to show no concern for the toddler's tears. Because it's a fucking belt. This writing is super awkward. And it goes on and on with the graphic detail of the belt hitting this shota creep's fetish version of a poor anime kid over and over.

Mew finally decided to protect its friend after watching the baby boy get beat for a good portion of the time, licking its lips, weirdly like Miyamoto did a couple fics ago in that other similar story, and made a safety bubble around him, deflecting the belt.

Woman Boss became more enraged. "You squealing fetus piece of shit!"

"Mew," said Mew. The bubble vanished. Woman Boss jumped after it but it flew around the room, laughing. And then it flew out the window. So much for that defense.

"MMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHI!" Giovanni squealed, watching his supposed protector flee the scene, leaving him to his abusive mother's violent fury. He burst into very loud and sexy sobs.

His mommy punished him again for hours until he couldn't walk before she left the plot again.

Miyamoto was sent on a mission to capture the Mew.

Oh, we're time and area jumping again. Suddenly within the same sentence so the story makes much less sense than it did before.

After all that creepy backstory that served to show nothing but how much the Suethor is addicted to retelling the same scene of abuse and BDSM, no matter who's involved, children or the elderly, male or female, gay or straight or in between, human or animal, don't matter. It's all good. Everyone is fair game.

We join our In Name Only version of Giovanni dying in the snow and whatever. Like the last fic that featured this same thing but with different levels of abuse tossed around for the sole purpose of the Suethor getting off on it. And shoving those fetishes down everyone else in the fandom's throat while calling it CANON. Again.

Aaaaaaagh! Make it stop!

"I have to see my OTP," Giovanni reaffirmed. He fell down, crawling on his belly. That happens a lot with different characters, doesn't it? No pattern.

Meanwhile, in another time and area POV skip within the same paragraph. That's some good writing there.

Jessie was also struggling to find her dom and mom in the repetitive plot device death blizzard. She thought about how much she hated Woman Boss for not letting her bang her woobie son and had all kinds of off the wall thoughts about how the grown woman acts like an immature woman-child, and also experienced guilt for having a better family. Because woman. They are strange creatures composed of weakness, fear, shame, guilt, and self-loathing, always in that order, apparently.

"Oh, hey. I'm back in the story. After forty miles of shitty abuse flashback for the sake of titillation. Hmmph. Well, I still can't believe that crazy bitch hasn't had the cops called on her, not once," Jessie said. "Also I'm confirming that I only met Giovanni for one day, briefly, back when we were both two years old, but somehow I remember everything that transpired that day, and also how he's my soulmate lover forever, destined to be together! This isn't weird. Serious question: How did you get that Giovanni wants to bang either Miyamoto or Jessie? How is this any more canon than any other non-canon ship? Because YOU prefer it? And it's better than all other other shitty non-canon shipper idiot Mary Sue lovers in the fandom? I'll bet."

As with everything, this will never be fully explained by the Suethor of the original tale, nor mentioned by anything other than IT'S CANON BECAUSE FUCK YOU, HATER! And that's fine. Some things are better off left unknown.

The snow continued to bury Jessie inch by inch. It was soon up to her knees. "I can't die before I find my mom. Oh, so now I'm pulling the reverse searching for my loved one but I'll die before I find them thing now, eh?"

She was now sad.

That's an actual line.  
 _  
She was now sad._

This stuff is its own parody.

Cutting it for length here. See you in a few.


	7. Mommy's Boy Part 2

MOMMY'S BOY PART 2

Jessie shivered. "I wonder if Giovanni is alive. I keep having intrusive thoughts about him all the time. I want his cock to fill my tummy with babies. Gosh, it's cold and I'm dressed inappropriately. Cemeteries and various Gothic B-grade recurrent horror themes the Suethor who wrote this train wreck is obsessed with and never fails to reference in every obnoxious story spewed forth. No pattern. If I die, I'll probably turn into a ghost, so that's good, I guess. I miss my mom. Mom, mom, mommy. We're all obsessed with our mommies. Why? Who knows."

Atsushi Sakurai, the wind whispered.

"He's not a sexy as me!" Giovanni yelled.

Giovanni dug his way through the snow, slowly and surely freezing to death. He should have by all logic been suffering from fostbite by now, among other things, but that would impact the plot. He can't die until the wangst is at its highest peak. He warmed himself by thinking of Miyamoto's sexy smile, and also her lovely feminine hole that he enjoyed exploring platonically. With his dick. His boner wilted when he had intrusive thoughts of the mommy he didn't like. That would be Woman Boss. Stupid incest shippers pissed him off so bad.

Have the Brain Bleach handy. Here we go with more torture porn flashbacks.

An unspecified aged Giovanni came in, skipping happily. And thanks to the childish dialogue throughout, we can't tell if he's a pre-teen or an adult. It doesn't matter anyway. It's all the same.

"Mommy, where's my pet caterpillar? I've been looking for him all day."

A caterpillar. A regular every day caterpillar. Not a Caterpie? Or a Wheedle or something. Maybe a Sewaddle.

"I murdered him, you little shit brat," said Woman Boss. She showed him her high heel. The regular old boring non-Pokémon caterpillar's carcass was squished on it. "Good thing you didn't have a Pokémon or it'd be much harder to have done this."

"FLUFFY, NOOOOO!" Giovanni screamed. "You're going to have to pay for my psychology now, Mommy!"

"Kid, no amount of psychology could help either of us," said Woman Boss. She grabbed a cell phone. One of those ancient ones from the year 2000. "Hello, police? There's a crazy man in my office ranting about his Mommy! He has short dark hair, no eyebrows, and slits for pupils. He's the leader of the notorious Rocket Gang. Come arrest him right away!"

"Mommy, who did you call"? Giovanni asked stupidly, as if he didn't hear her. "How old am I supposed to be here anyway?"

Woman Boss knocked three times on her desk. "HEAR THAT? THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR! YOU'RE GOING CRAZIER THAN I AM! LISTEN TO THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD!"

Giovanni started whimpering. "Wait, am I 18 years old again, or what? What the fuck is going on? Someone please explain this madness!"

"Hopefully you're hallucinating as you freeze to death. Otherwise I got nothin'," said the LSD trip image of his mother.

"I loved that caterpillar almost as much as the Persian that I was supposed to have that I have in the canon that I don't care about anymore and that never exists unless it's going to die for the sake of the plot," said Giovanni, inhaling deeply. "And now I'll keep on thinking about Miyamoto's dead body. Her sexy, sexy dead body."

A torrential paragraph of more insane shit we'll skip because it's just more of this mother obsession and guilt tripping and wanting the male villain to be coddled and pretending Giovanni never did anything wrong and it was all his secretly abusive minor character mother who turned him super evil mean baddie leader of Team Rocket and crying and repetitive flashbacks and redundancy. So very tiresome.

He managed to control his emotional outbursts, normally referred to as grief by people who understand the concept of complex emotional states outside cartoonish caricatures or weird fetish porn scenarios, and kept on trudging through the snow in random directions, intent on finding his two hot stepbitches. The snow made him mad and also angry. It was hard to see and he had no idea where the fuck he was. And then another POV change right in the same paragraph to Jessie that made it look like they passed right by each other.

"Hi, Giovanni," said Jessie.

"Oh, hi," he said.

They continued through the snow in separate directions.

Yeah, that didn't exactly happen but it's funnier to think about it that way thanks to the bad writing.

The blizzard finally stopped. Jessie looked around. "Mom!" was the only thing she could think about, of course. Nothing else existed. No one knows or cares where the fuck James slash Kojiro is. He doesn't matter at all. Unless he's required for the plot. Rocketo Shipping desu! Meowth either. Only Giovanni and Miyamoto matter. They are the tormented trifecta.

Oh, and now back to Giovanni.

Giovanni clutched his chest. "UGH, IT'S THE BIG ONE! Jessie, I'm coming! But not in the way I want to." He didn't pass out yet. The plot wanted him to suffer more and stretch things out. "I wish Momma Miyamoto was here so I could stare at her fine, fine tiddays while she held me and kissed me and told me everything was going to be okay because I really need the aftercare. I need her to tell me I have the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And feed me chocolate cake slices."

His own mom would have kicked and beat him and spit on him. That's how the original fic wrote her. How many paragraphs of this do we need? Several hundred more? Okay. He didn't want to be frozen for ALL ETERNITY. Confetti and a banner fell down. Hurrah, it's the signature repeating phrase. And then more thinking about Miyamoto and Jessie dying and sad feels, male pain, uwu, purity Sue.

He didn't like having the show in his eyes. Shocking.

Giovanni wanted to curl into a ball and die right there and then rather than continue on in this terrible story, but the narration wouldn't let him. He thought about how bad it would be if he was a mean old bad guy who lead an organization that stole Pokémon and used them for evil purposes. That's not my canon. That sucks.

No, he sure didn't want to be the badguy because then the Mary Sues who were sucking his dick would feel guilty and their authors would feel guilty and YOU CAN FUCKING LIKE VILLAINS WITHOUT WOOBIFYING THEM OR TRYING TO ERASE THEIR BAD DEEDS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND FLAWED CHARACTERS OR EVIL CHARACTERS, YOU KNOW. SWEET FUCK, LET VILLAINS BE VILLAINS.

Quit saying you like villains and then refusing to accept who they are in canon the second it conflicts with your precious purity Sue perfection dogma. Or any character. Because God forbid the heroes be flawed too, in any way shape or form.

Back to what we've scrapped together for a story.

Giovanni spent yet another whole paragraph thinking about poor Jessie being without him. His dear childhood friend. That he knew for a single day. For a few minutes, actually. When he was two years old. That he instantly fell in platonic sexual love with. That is all it took to justify this ship.

Oh no! Please, not another completely random abuse fetish torture humiliation flashback that serves no fucking purpose to the plot.

UGH, TOO LATE! Here we go.

And once again, we flash back to where an 18 year old Giovanni who still calls his mother Mommy and acts like a mentally challenged helpless baby man-child basement dwelling dependent Chris-Chan stereotype instead of a functional cruel and cunning businessman was standing in his mother's office on his birthday.

"Can I be the leader of the Rocket Gang now, Mommy?"

"No. You're an idiot little sissy bitch who can't do anything right," she said. All the rest of the Rockets were in the room, watching his every move. "Ha ha, just kidding! It's canon that you one day will usurp my throne. But seriously, you have to past the test first." She threw some clothes at him. "Put them on, brat boy. You're the lowest rank of brown-nosing minion vermin and you're gonna have to work your way up."

Giovanni groaned. "Awww. But I'm your son? Can't you just promote me to leader?"

"Where's the fun in that? I want to humiliate you! Everyone, point and laugh at my stupid brat boy!"

Everyone pointed and laughed at him. "Rocket Grunt, Rocket Grunt! Low rank! Expendable!"

"Ha ha, now you're a lowly sycophant boot licker like one of us now," said a nameless Rocket, laughing before realization dawned on him. "D'oh, I made myself feel bad."

"It's not fair! I should be the boss now," Giovanni whined. "I hate waiting!"

"You're the boss of nothing until I say you can be the boss," Woman Boss said. "Right now, I'M the boss. It says so right in my name. What is your name? Is it Man Boss? No? Well then, shut the fuck up! Bratty bratty brat brat. Quit your whining. We don't always get what we want the second we expect it."

"Yeah, and have you yourself ever taken that into consideration, Mother?" Giovanni mumbled.

She threw a book at his head. "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Nothing," he squeaked, rubbing his head.

And now back to the wandering aimlessly in the avalanche remnants for the past twenty hours of this textual travesty. Giovanni finally stumbled upon a cave. He gasped when he saw what lay conveniently within it. Hold your horses.

"MOMMY MIYAMOTO!"

Of course.

She was on the ground. Giovanni rushed to her, lifting her partially into his arms while holding her chilly hand in his own.

"Oh, Giovanni? Nice seeing you here. Where's my daughter?"

"I dunno. There was a freak avalanche like the one that nearly killed you all those years ago. Speaking of which...damn, woman. You haven't aged once bit since I saw you. You look fine as hell. Hot hot hot hot hot."

Miyamoto scowled. Another banner and confetti dropped down. We've reached the scowl quota for the year. "Poor Giovanni. Your mother already corrupted your once pure soul."

"But you're part of the Rocket Gang too, you do realize? You were my mother's best and closest friend and competent member of the gang," Giovanni reasoned. "You went around obsessed with making profit and trying to capture rare Pocket Monsters the same way. Like Mew. You even gave your daughter up for adoption in order to give her a better life."

"Not my canon," she said weakly. "So I didn't do any of that. By the way...I've been in this cave for TWENTY YEARS."

TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.

TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. LYING IN THIS CAVE. JUST WAITING FOR GIOVANNI TO SHOW UP. AND NOTHING ELSE. LIVING IN THE CAVE. NOT AGING A DAY. SUBSISTING ON WHAT? SNOW? FOR TWENTY YEARS? IN THE FREEZING SNOW? WEARING THAT OUTFIT?

WHAT?

 _I have been in this cave for twenty years._

HAHAHA!

Okay.

Twenty years.

"I've been eating snow. There's been constant avalanches that would have buried the whole mountain if they went on for that long, but I guess the person who wrote this doesn't understand what the word avalanche means, same as a multitude of other things," she said. "I survived somehow by simply thinking of my nice and cute little daughter all the time." She looked at him. "Does your mommy still hit you?"

"Yeah, she's pretty evil and crazy and abusive. Why is this suddenly a pertinent question?" he asked. We all know the answer is: Suethor priorities! "You're not going to sexualize it, are you?"

"Madame Boss hates children. I can interpret this from the way she called you brat boy that one time in the canon," said Miyamoto. "But also because her insane behavior where she really is a child abuser and murderous freak due to terrible writing and characterization."

"She yells at me and even tried to force me to eat broccoli," Giovanni confessed tearfully.

"Well, anyway. My daughter is probably dead," said Miyamoto. "I don't care about her as much as I do you for some reason."

"It's because I have a dick you are legally required to submit to. I mean, no, we'll get out of here. And then both of you can be my new mommies and do all my laundry and hug and kiss me and suck my dick and praise me all day long, and make babies for me, like good subservient females," he encouraged. "You love and protect me and don't hurt my dingle when you dangle it like my nasty other family full of abusive bitch goth crazies who show up in every fic whether they're my family or just my so-called friends or co-workers. But out of everything, I like your implied step-incest best!"

"That is correct," Miyamoto babbled.

"You gave me the will to live," Giovanni reasoned. "Also the bad writing prevented me from dying too soon. Your face is like an angel. So soft and fuckable. I mean...soft and...angelic. PURE AND GOOD! MOMMY!"

"Sleep for all eternity," Miyamoto said. "Maybe Jessie is still alive after all. I'm almost certain I'm delirious. Or maybe the writing is simply that incoherent and inconsistent from one paragraph to the next."

"I'd vote the latter," Giovanni whispered. "Oh Mommy Miyamoto, regurgitate to me your mission as presented in the canon of Birth of Mewtwo again. Because all we can do here when it comes to fanfiction is word for word summarizations from the source media we copied off of and claimed to be an original story."

"Woman Boss wanted me to capture the rare Pokémon Mew that I saw before a mysterious avalanche supposedly killed me and that's all that matters in that entire five part radio drama. Nothing else was important. We keep stealing this specific bit to repeat over and over, including plagiarizing this to put into fics for other fandoms. Like Ben 10 and The Secret Saturdays."

"Mew? Hey, that was that kitty fetus thing my mom hated that came to visit me when I was being violently abused by her when I was two years old. It pretended to protect me but then it left me there to get beaten half to death, and I FUCKING HATE THAT THING NOW!" Giovanni cried out. "Ha ha, I mean, Mew was also my best friend! We loved each other. I wanted to fuck it, but I could never find the hole."

And there's more painful dialogue that keeps on going and going and contributes nothing beyond extending the story to an insufferable length.

"By the way, how'd Jessie get along after all those years of not seeing me when she was two years old and we had established a firm heterosexual bond?"

"She cried all the time. It was like she couldn't do anything else but obsess over you."

"Yeah, cool. That's what I figured," said Giovanni confidently. "I have that effect on women, heh."

"She really liked you," said Miyamoto. "Even though you'd only seen each other for a few minutes when you were two years old."

"Yeah," he groaned into Miyamoto's neck as he leaned over her body, touching it with every inch of his. Oops. There's those creepy overtones again. "Don't worry, Mommy Miyamoto. We'll get out of this predicament somehow. And I am not getting a boner and pressing it against you right now. I swear."

"No we won't, Giovanni," Miyamoto said into his ear. "The original plot won't let us. There is a clearly established pattern of repetition that involves torture and then death. In that order."

Giovanni's frown turned upside down. "Oh."

A yeti walked by. "Welcome to the club!" And then vanished into the white mountains.

"And now my time is up and I'm dying after all this expository dialogue," said Miyamoto.

"NO, MOMMY MIYAMOTO! YOU HAVE TO WATCH ME BANG YOUR HOT DAUGHTER BEFORE YOU DIE!"

"Tell her I love her and I lost the photo of her crying in the nude. I'm Sorry," she gurgled. "Hopefully no one will find it and use it as blackmail fodder."

Giovanni stuffed his fist into his mouth and tried not to scream.

"You'll always be my hot stepson heavily alluded to be in a taboo relationship with me and my daughter because the Suethor's OTPs are always some f/f/m or m/m/f threesome or cuckoldry BDSM thing on repeat," said Miyamoto. She wiped her hand all over his face. "Hypocrisy," she whispered.

"I love you, Mommy Miyamoto," Giovanni sobbed.

And then he kissed her on the mouth before she died. Deeply?

He sobbed hysterically. "MOMMY MIYAMOTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Wait. It doesn't end there.

Giovanni shrieked and wailed. He decided he would manually bury her body. Possibly at a snail's pace. We've even got the same words from fic to fic in different fandoms. All these years. Writing the same thing and calling it canon and calling everyone else in the fandom hypocrites who can't write. And bitching about people who wrote child/adult or incest pairings. Or both. Something, something, pot kettle.

"I'LL TELL JESSIE YOU LOVED HER, MOMMERS!"

What the fuck.

"Mommers!" he repeated. "What? It's a perfectly cromulent word."

And again with giving proper Christian burials no matter where they are or whether it's an animal or human. The cemetery and funeral obsession is always strong.

"I miss the Chinese food, French maid outfits, electro shock collars, black beds, rose gardens, Nazi uniforms, light blue boxer shorts, and chocolate cake," said Giovanni.

Giovanni exited the cave. His fingers now had frostbite, but he kept on digging his way out of layer after layer of snow until he got out of the avalanche.

"Jessie! Where are yoouuuuuuu?" he called out. Startlingly, this didn't cause another series of avalanches like that sneeze Jessie did that started this whole mess.

And then Jessie finally bumped into him. "Giovanni!" He collapsed into her arms. "Oh, Gio-kun! I'm so glad you've conveniently survived for this long so you could die in my arms like my mom died in yours! That seems almost absurdly coincidental, right? How'd you manage to survive for this long?"

"I thought about your sweet shaved pus...er...our unbreakable sex-filled friendship that we developed back when we saw each other for a single day for a few minutes back when we were two years old and then never saw each other until recently," he groaned. "Your mom was alive this whole time in a cave, by the way."

Jessie gasped. "HOLY SHIT! It's been twenty years!"

"I know. But she's dead now."

"Oh no! I didn't get to see her and say goodbye!"

"Yeah. What a shame. She was so hot. I mean, it's tragic. I buried her and stuff. She loved you a lot. At least that's what she told me. Seemed more like she loved me more than she loved you." He coughed. "I'm dying now." He burst into more tears. They froze on his face, sealing his eyes shut. "Oh fuck, that was a bad idea."

"Our mission has been completed now. The only thing we existed to do in this story was look for Miyamoto and constantly reaffirm that we are The One True Pairing," said Jessie. "Unlike that whole nasty Jessie-James thing. Ugh, not my fan preferred ship." She smiled at him. "By the way, and this is completely natural dialogue for what's happening here, but we can still be siblings, right?"

Giovanni gazed into her ravishing orbs. "Incestuous siblings?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Jessie said, her bottom lip quivering.

"Score," Giovanni whispered. "But tragically, now I've lost the will to live because the hotter MILF Miyamoto died."

Jessie looked disappointed. "Oh, okay. I guess I don't matter. Only the mommy character."

"Yeah. Plus I lived long enough to give you the message that she still loved you and I was tortured until death while flashing back to various grossly sexualized violent scenes," he said. "So I've fulfilled my purpose in the plot as well." He pointed down to his crotch where a noticeable wet spot had developed.

"Oh. I thought that was some snow." Jessie burst into tears. "That's so sweet! And conveniently stupid."

"I know," Giovanni gasped. He cried uncontrollably. The tears leaked down his face and froze it over. "You remind me of Miyamoto. She's such a smokin' hot MILF! With different colored hair. I'm just sad I didn't get the chance to do you both. Preferably at the same time."

"I wish I could function outside of a relation to a male character the Suethor wants to ship with their designated female self-insert OC poorly disguised as canon," Jessie confessed after having a barrage of intrusive thoughts about how sad Giovanni's tragic life was and how she cried whenever he cried and blah blah blah. "But I can't. It's the law of bad fanfiction."

Miyamoto would never humiliate Giovanni, unlike Woman Boss, like the time she made him wear...oh fuck, here comes another terrible fetish flashback. Jesus fucking Christmas, WHY?

So here we go. Again.

Giovanni flashed back to his early days as a lowly Rocket Grunt thanks to his mommy being characterized as a paranoid weirdo who didn't trust him for reasons not specified in the original story. They were their own comedy duo team and stole Pokémon together instead of sending their henches out to do it so they didn't have to get their hands dirty or lower themselves to comical levels of stupidity. They often used disguises like Jessie and James did. The dialogue makes specific mention of Giovanni always being dressed as women while his mommy got to dress as a man. Gee, wonder why?

And it goes on for a hundred more lines.

Once they randomly chose to disguise themselves as a wealthy French couple, infiltrate a garden party for other wealthy Pokémon owners, and there's much attention to detailing Giovanni's puffy elegant costume, unlike all the other details that could be more developed in this never ending mayhem. Nope, all the outfits. And the torture-death sequences. Priorities. He dressed in absolute white, complete with a powdered wig, and carried a matching fan to hide his heavily powdered face and embarrassment.

Madame Boss, dressed as the regal husbando patriarch, made her way through the unspecified crowd, searching for easy marks. Giovanni trailed behind her, trying to hold both his fan in one hand, hike up the front of his long dress with the other and keep up on his huge stilettos while also balancing his heavy wig.

"Moooooooommy, this is confusing and strange to say the least. Why are we doing this again?" he complained.

Madame Boss grabbed the fan out of his hand and slapped him across the face with it. "Because the Suethor, and by extension, I, get off on it. Now shut your whiny little bitch mouth and be a good waifu submissive for me. That means keep silent and obedient." She smacked him with the fan one last time before shoving it back in his dainty gloved hands. "We're stealing Pokémon. I don't know why I don't have my hundreds of lackeys spread out all over the globe do it for me. I don't like getting my hands dirty. I might brake a nail!"

Giovanni covered his face with the fan, looking around nervously. "I don't think these disguises are working. Everyone's looking at us!"

Everyone gawked at them in various stages of shock, confusion, and growing horror or disgust. Staring at the MOTHER/HUSBAND and SON/WIFE. Yes.

"Egads, what are those people doing?" whispered a guest to another, watching Madame Boss stalk through the crowed pulling her whimpering son along by the arm.

"Making fools of themselves, it would seem," said the guest next to him. "Perhaps they're the evening's entertainment? Are they going for shock value?"

Madame Boss shook Giovanni by the shoulders, nearly knocking off his giant wig. "Okay, dumbass. Listen up! You go over there and distract those guests while I steal their nondescript Pokémon." She shoved him toward the goal.

"Yes, Mommy. Er, Sir. I mean, Dear!" Giovanni stumbled over to the guest and his Vulpix. He adjusted his wig and attempted to sexy walk over to the handsome young man. He tripped several times, but didn't fall. "Oh boy, time to be super flaming gay for reasons that won't become really obvious later on!" He let out a high pitched giggle. "I'm kidding, it's shameless homophobia because here gay men are equated with women and also they're silly and gross! Like every rabid yaoi fangirl known to man tends to do. The scourge of fandom." He batted his long fake eyelashes in the man's direction. "Hey, baby. Wanna go Pokémon hunting tonight? Because I wanna catch a Pikachu! Or maybe we cut to chase and go out back where you can give me a nice Squirtle? Ooh, I think my Metapod just used Harden."

"I...I...have a girlfriend," the man stuttered, looking highly uncomfortable.

"I do too, when it's convenient to the plot," Giovanni confessed. "Funny how people adamantly refuse to acknowledge bisexuality but then they do this kind of shit."

Madame Boss snuck around and grabbed the Vulpix and stuffed it down her shirt with no problems. She gave a thumbs up.

"Oops, gotta go," Giovanni said upon seeing the signal. He dropped his fan, gathered his dress, kicked off his heels, and ran. "CALL ME!"

And then they ran away out of this insane flashback fetish sequence into another.

All of these flashbacks, by the way, are Giovanni remembering all the fucked up humiliation cross-dressing fetish sequences his crazy momma put him through. Remember, he's dying in the main story. This is an out of nowhere extended diversion from the plot for no real reason outside of the Suethor's own jarring forced in masturbation times. Woo hoo.

Speaking of forcing, Giovanni remembered the time his mom forced him to dress up as Athena while she was Ares, presumably from Saint Seiya, not the historically mythological versions. Because weeaboo animu, hoo hoo. And then references specifically more times he was forced to wear explicitly humiliating costumes, such as dressing up as a prostitute while his mom was the pimp. Jeez. His mom's own idea was to force her fucking son to sell his body for Pokémon. And once again Giovanni's humiliating forced feminization fetish costumes were described in more detail than anything in the story. Priorities.

Okay. He was dressed like a stereotypical Hollywood hooker bimbo. We get it.

Madame Boss giggled up a storm, watching her son advertising by some trees. He stuck out his leg, trying to lure in a buyer.

Oh my God, wait. The story implies HE FUCKING DID IT TOO. ALL THE WAY.

Giovanni, a lowly abused grunt, and supposedly below the age of 18 on top of it, is being prostituted by his own mother, in this fake Pokémon interchangeable Mary Sue OC torture smut story. Okay then. Some gross men gave up their Pokémon to violate poor Giovanni dressed in drag as a hooker. His mom, Madame Boss, collected both the monsters and the cash.

That is the ongoing plot here. As Giovanni dies, remembering all this extremely fucked up sexual fetish garbage some infamous weeaboo has inserted on top of his actual canon character. And claimed to be canon. As with every male villain character they do this to. Multiple times.

It's Jacob's Ladder, but with degradation porn and children's monster collecting anime.

And we're finally back to the main plot of the story again, whew. Giovanni dying.

"My good adoptive mommy Miyamoto would never humiliate me like that," Giovanni babbled. "She's too pure and angelic and perfect." He hallucinated his better mommy hugging his childhood self. "You're the mommy I want!" He shoved his face into her massive boobs.

He reached up and grabbed Jessie's face and was slightly confused and disappointed.

"Giovanni? You spaced out for a long time, crying something about your mommy and hookers! I thought you were going to die, but you're still talking. I'm shocked! It's been, like, twenty seven minutes," said Jessie. "Maybe longer."

"Yeah, sorry. The plot forced in some random fucked up Suethor appeal fetish shit for no reason again. And now that that's over, I'm gonna die," he said.

"Okay then," said Jessie.

"Bye bye," said Giovanni.

"Say hi to our mom for me," said Jessie. "In Hell," she added in a whisper.

"Will do."

And of course there's also ghosts. Ghosts are another recurring trait in these unbearably repetitive stories. Giovanni's head fell back. As he looked up, he saw Miyamoto's floating angelic ghost form soaring gracefully in the air.

"My not son," she said. "I would have adopted you, but I didn't get the chance. So tragic. Now I'm a ghoooooost! Whoooooh! I'm not a scary ghost. I'm more like Casper."

"MILFy mommy," Giovanni said happily. "You're a beautiful ghost. Too bad I don't get to fuck your ethereal ectoplasmic substance or whatever it is ghosts are made out of that somehow still allow for penile penetration and even pregnancy when the plot calls for it."

Jessie was still there, rightfully confused by all this. "What?"

"Pretty mommy," Giovanni whispered before dying. Slowly. And painfully.

"Oh, okay, now you're finally dead," said Jessie.

Mew flew around overhead. Jessie didn't bother to look up.

"MEW! MEW!" it cried. Which was for Poké-speak for "End this piece of shit already, please."

It goes on even further with the baby-reincarnation fetish that also appears in every other story this person writes when they want their Sue's favorite male villain to get the best ass-pull woobie insta-redemption "now he's good and it's canon that he was never a villain to begin with because I say so, suck it, haters" ending. That somehow always translates to being reborn as a screaming Mary Sue baby that screams and sobs every waking moment and forces the canons to adopt and fawn over it. Nothing Mary Sueish about that, nope.

Fun fact: MAKING A CANON CHARACTER INTO YOUR PERSONAL SCREAMING MARY SUE INSERT SLAVE DRIVER ISN'T ANY BETTER THAN HAVING AN OC MARY SUE. Why is this so hard a concept to grasp.

Suddenly we're warped to a random unnamed hospital where Miyamoto was alive and well. Somehow? In an alternative universe? Who knows. Nothing is specified in any detail. And it doesn't matter anyway because nothing makes a lick of sense.

Surprise, her baby is now Giovanni. And Mew was there again. Mew had cutesy cuddle nappies next to its best platonic kissy-face buddy for life.

"Giovanni is my baby now, exactly as the Suethor wishes to happen in the canon. Just like Argost in all those 'Argost dies and is inexplicably reborn as a kawaii uguu screaming Mary Sue Baby-Toddler author insert who then gets immediately adopted by the Saturdays family and abused by Zak's parents so he can rush to hurt-comfort his new baby brother and it's super in character, totally not an obvious Mary Sue disguised as canon which somehow makes it better, unlike all the other OOC Suethor trash out there' stories in the Secret Saturdays fandom that showed up directly after this one, after the Suethor flounced out of the Pokémon fandom when they didn't get the attention they demanded from everyone," she said as she smiled like a Stepford wife. "No correlation."

"BWAAAAH," Baby Giovanni screamed and barfed all over her face.

He shrieked and shrieked and never stopped.

And that's...the end.

Can somebody explain what the fuck just happened?

THE END


	8. Ultimate Nightmare Part 1

NO TAG BACKS, CRAIG! AKA MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT FETISH NIGHTMARE CRAMMED TOGETHER FOR FAR TOO MANY CHAPTERS  
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants  
Ending this collection of torturous terrible on a grande finale of unfathomable fuckery. This is honest to God the worst thing in years that I've forced myself to read for the sake of a parody. I almost had trouble finishing it. And I've read some bad fic in my day. I have read all the legendary badfic out there, but this was simply painful. It's not only bad in terms of content, but the writing as well. And that makes it so much harder to endure.

NO TAG BACKS, CRAIG! AKA MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT FETISH NIGHTMARE CRAMMED TOGETHER FOR FAR TOO MANY CHAPTERS

We join our hero, Giovanni, in media res going through the exact same plot as the fics that came before it, only now it's been labeled a completely NEW story. Lies.

"Think about what you did, loser," said the cruel Madame Boss, yanking little baby Gio by the arm, throwing him into his room before shutting the door. "Now leave Momma alone to gamble and drink away her problems. Namely you."

Again, Giovanni pissed his undies. He cringed. His jammies were all wet. "PEE PEE BAD! But feels so good," he whispered. He ran back to his mom's room and got into the bed with her, rubbing against her with his pissy bottoms. "Open your mouth," he whispered. NO, WE WON'T GO THERE FOR THE SAKE OF A BAD JOKE REFERENCING ANOTHER FIC. I apologize. That was wrong of me.

"Holy fuck, get out of here," she screamed after she woke up. She scowled the scowliest scowl ever scowl. "You ruined my expensive sheets again, you little bastard." She grabbed his arm and spanked him, licking her lips and moaning. Then she dragged him to the kitchen and pushed him outside and locked the door. "Now don't come back in. Not until you get hit by another car or maybe a truck this time."

Giovanni screamed and eventually wandered into the street where he was yet again hit by a speeding car that turned into a hit and run. And again, Woman Boss rushed out, smiling, to see her son injured and bleeding and screaming, but alive for the sake of the horrific plot.

"I hope you die," Madame Boss said, waving her arms around and laughing like a psychopath, "SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY!"

A banner fell down that said MAXIMUM BATSHIT THRESHOLD REACHED with accompanying confetti canons that exploded confetti everywhere and dozens of balloons fell down from nowhere.

Madame Boss began to dance around, slipping into a moonwalk across the driveway. Meanwhile, Giovanni screamed in the background.

His Persian showed up again to lick his tears away. But his evil mommy came and lured it away.

"A stray Persian?" She pulled out a Master Ball and chucked it at the creature's head, knocking it senseless but also pulling it into the ball and capturing it without a hitch. She grinned at her crying son. "Mine now!" She turned and walked away. "You need to think about what you did. Don't piss me off by pissing on my stuff."

Persian followed her into the mansion against its will this time because it was trapped in the ball in this parody.

Again, poor young Giovanni was so scared and abandoned. More lightening and thunder came crashing down, scaring him further. He yelped and trembled. And he sat there for an hour until his mother returned, specifically one hour later.

"What? I was masturbating. Mommy needs me time," she said, taking a long drag of her cigarette. "This is a good story, isn't it. Very canon."

No, it's awful. Awful in every way possible. It wounds my childhood. It enrages my soul to know some asshole strutted around in the early 2000s calling this canon and tormenting the fandom with it for years before I knew they existed. How many victims were there? How many innocent undeserving fandoms had to suffer because this person took up a grudge against some popular writer or writers who shipped something they didn't enjoy? How many tortured souls? And those poor Giovanni fans.

"If you ever piss on my stuff again, I'll feed you to my new Persian," said Madame Boss. "You brat." She released the Persian from its prison. "Look at that brat bitch boy. He's your enemy. Remember his face. You might be chewing it off later."

It yowled, having no choice but to obey its evil master.

Laughing, Madame Boss grabbed her son and spanked him again, her eyes crazed and excited in the worst ways. Then she shoved him inside the mansion and put him back to bed.

"This gets better the more times we do it," she reasoned. "Well. I'm enjoying it, anyway!" She let out another shrieking laugh. "I'm the Suethor's avatar. Did you notice yet?"

Giovanni wanted to kissy on his mommy's face to calm her down like that would work. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BEFORE SHE MURDERS YOU! CALL THE POLICE! He tempted face by force of the plot and went back into her room. The Persian was huddled on the bed next to her. Giovanni crawled up and snuggled against it. And then his mom's eyes flew open and he shit himself.

"SCOWL," she seethed at him. "I see you want to be punished some more."

Giovanni hugged her. "Boo goo bagoo momma or whatever it is toddlers can say at that age," he said.

"I hate children," she spat. "I hate them more when they try to ship themselves with characters in the franchise I can't stand and in ways I don't personally enjoy!" She spat in his face. Then she shoved him away. Then she backhanded him. Then she pointed at the door. "Get the fuck out. You little spineless bitch boy. Your timid doe eyes make me sick. Those are the eyes of a seasoned dick sucker."

She slapped him off the bed, watching him try not to cry. She grinned. She wanted him to cry so badly. She got off on it. She wanted to see him "lose control of his emotions" and never receive any aftercare.

"Waaah!" he whined, pulling the blanket over his head. He cried all over the pillow until it was soaking wet, weeping forever for his mommy's brutal love. He tried to hold her hand. She pushed him.

"You pervert!" Madame Boss yelled at him, knocking his hand away.

That's a load of projection, isn't it.

"Now it's time for cigarette burns," said Madame Boss, getting out her lighter.

Giovanni shrieked, now covered in cigarette burns all over his arms and legs. He finally realized his mother was a vile disgusting piece of shit and would never love anything but seeing him in pain so she could get off on it, so he went back to his room. And then a kitty squeaked. It was the Mew again, who came to visit him because he was so sad and abused and it sensed this.

The snow white Mew flew in and around his bed. He got scared and tried to hide in his blanket before he realized the Mew wouldn't hurt him. Oh wait, no. He stayed like that for a few hours before the Mew came back.

"Mew, Mew!" said the Mew.

It had a little hole for a mouth and the less spoken about this awkward description, the better. Trust me, real Pokémon fans know what Mew looks like. And it doesn't look anything like it was clumsily described there. Try harder.

"Mew mew."

"Moo moo!" Giovanni cried. He grabbed Mew and hugged it and cuddled it and kissed it.

"Mew, said Mew, having sensed how evil and unspeakably cruel Madame Boss has been characterized in the past dozen or so fanfictions of utter torment, written by a jackass weeb Suethor who hates canon and the fandom and wants everyone to suffer for daring to write about characters other than Giovanni and Miyamoto and Madame Boss. Which makes them elitist snobs who don't know anything about Pokémon, of course. Like the canon fact that Madame Boss corrupted poor little Giovanni, who was pure and good, and not a spoiled brat. "Mew," said Mew again.

Giovanni made cutesy with the Mew, playing with it and sucking on its big nose. He rubbed its ears and played with it all night and all morning, kissing it. Platonically.

"Mew," said Mew. That was Poké-speak for "I need to go before that crazy bitch comes back with the belt. Sorry, kid."

Remember now, Giovanni is two years old. The designated OTP hetship popped intrusively into his mind, regardless. He cried over Miyamoto, who was once again his Mary Sue lust insert of the day until Jessie is. She was aesthetically pleasing and always smiled. Mew was psychically slave-bonded to Giovanni's sadfeels. It went up and kissed him again.

And then Giovanni's mom attacked, aaaah!

She threw open the door. "What are you doing in here, fucker? It sounds like someone's giving you the aftercare you don't deserve!" Her face turned red. "STOP HAVING HORRIBLE THOUGHTS! We're all linked to the Suethor and the Suethor positively hates people having relationships that don't involve her narrow interests. That means I've got to destroy your love for your interchangeable Mary Sue again. Where's my whip?"

One fell out of the sky and landed in her hands.

"Now that's what I call good writing," said Madame Boss. "I don't give a fuck about anything but my instant sexual gratification. It doesn't matter what I use to get it either. You're all interchangeable pieces of meat to me!"

She started whipping Giovanni until he bled and screamed and cried again.

"Noooo, moo moo, halp!" he begged.

Mew shrugged.

"Now I leave again." Madame Boss walked away after slapping the shit out of him some more.

Giovanni screamed louder. He shut up when she came back and pinched him all over his body. She slammed a pacifier in his mouth and walked away.

"Bad brat!"

Giovanni cried and cried, thinking about Miyamoto and Jessie, the sexy step family he wanted to have as his own, his preferred OTP, good and pure and perfect and not evil villains working for an evil company that does evil things. And then Persian came in and spread its love all over Giovanni's face. He hugged its neck and rubbed its belly and then rode it around the room as it purred.

Meanwhile, in bitter revengelust land, Madame Boss woke up once more and oh God, here we go again.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAT," she yelled.

She threw off the covers and ran to Giovanni's room to find him in bed with the Persian.

"How DARE you," she fumed. "You know how I feel about relationships! Bitterly jealous and fucking insanely vengeful!" She ripped the covers off the bed. "Get up, you whore!" She started slapping him again. "I'm such a big person, I take out my anger on toddlers who can't fight back!"

She continued to slap the shit out of poor baby Giovanni for Suethor appeal.

"You little asshole! You stole my Persian!" She got more pissed when the Persian licked the crying toddler's face, making him forget his pain and laugh instead. "I'll lock it in my room so you can never touch it again." She whistled, and the cat immediately obeyed and left. "And now, to further enjoy your punishment!"

She pulled out a fireplace poker.

Dun dun, fade to black.


	9. Ultimate Nightmare Part 2

PART 2

Meanwhile, somewhere in the snow void where Jessie and Miyamoto were. That would be, according to the last couple fics, right next door from the Madame Boss mansion.

Jessie, who for whatever reason, had a far more advanced vocabulary than Giovanni though they were either supposed to be the same age, two years old, or maybe she's 6 again for some reason, happily ate snows meals while wearing fur rugs.

"Here is more snow on a plate," said Miyamoto.

"Oh boy!" Jessie jammed it in her mouth. "It would be cool if you molded it into food shapes, but plain old snow on a plate is good too. I'm so glad you didn't give me up for adoption and didn't go to a foster home and grow into a bold and sassy but overall functional human being instead of a clingy helpless shut-in who lives to obsess over a dude she met once during her childhood every waking moment."

"Sorry you have to live so poorly now, Jessie, unlike in the canon where I would have otherwise given you a better chance at life," said Miyamoto. "The plot won't really let me and my boss is a greedy woman who refuses to give me a raise despite me being her best friend and member of Team Rocket."

Jessie did the head-tilting confusion thing. "I don't get it, duuuuh."

"Someday I'll catch the rare Mew and make a huge profit. Unless I die in an avalanche. Over and over and over," said Miyamoto, smiling cheerfully. "But you'll sit here and obsess over me or Giovanni."

"Ah, I see. I am compelled by the narration to ask questions relating to Giovanni, your slave bosses hot abused son," Jessie said. "We're destined to be shipped as OTP, so I can't do anything except talk about him when he's not here. Is he really a spoiled brat like his mommy says he is?"

"Of course not. That's not our canon," said Miyamoto. "He's very sad and mistreated and misunderstood. He's not a bad person at all. He's miserable and lonely. We need to save him one day. With our vaginas."

"Yes, we will. We can't do anything else," said Jessie. She stuck out her tongue. "Then I'll make out with him!"

"I don't want you to grow up to be a brat girl. You're a cute nice girl," said Miyamoto.

"Sometimes you frighten me, Mommy," Jessie admitted.

"I won't give you up for adoption because if I do, you won't get shipped with Giovanni and you'll end up with some terrible weirdo named James in a more popular pairing. And also you'll turn into a brat with opinions of her own and free will."

"What's so wrong with that?" Jessie eyed her mother suspiciously.

"Poor Giovanni doesn't have a mother to love him. Love is more important than money. He's not evil because he's rich. He's not evil at all. He was abused and tormented until he went down the path of evil. It's not canon that he's bad. That's a lie perpetuated by the trolls." Miyamoto grabbed Jessie and shook her. "Do you understand?"

"Y-yes!" Jessie gasped.

"You must be nice and cute and in love with Giovanni, who I talk about and care about more than you," said Miyamoto. "Hope you didn't notice."

"Uh, okay," said Jessie. "No, I didn't notice. I have no brain anymore. I love Giovanni!"

"Yes, you do," said Miyamoto.

She held her cute little girl before tucking her in the bed. Is it just a single blanket or another fur rug?

"Giovanni," Jessie mumbled in her sleep. "When we grow up a little bit more, I want your hot cock."

And now back to Madame Boss beating the fuck out Giovanni some more. Because we didn't get enough of that. She beat him again, watching him cry.

"Just try to go to sleep now, my horrible little brat boy."

She went back to her room to sleep with Persian before Giovanni screamed again. The Persian ran and hid beneath the bed. Madame Boss got up to see if something was wrong with Giovanni, and this is the God's honest narration written in the original fic and I'm astounded. What was wrong with him? YOU BEAT HIM SENSELESS AND LEFT HIM INJURED AND SCREAMING. That's what was wrong with him.

"What is your problem now, little sissy bitch?"

Giovanni hopped out of bed and ran up and hugged and kissed her leg.

"Ew, what the fuck! Are you retarded?" She slapped him again, knocking him down. "Time for your pacifier again! That ought to shut you up." She stuck it in his mouth. She saw him sobbing and licked her lips all over, making a disgusting noise. "Yeah, that's right. Keep on crying. I love it."

He followed her, leading her to step on his tiny foot.

"Not enough to crush the bones, but just enough to be really fucking exciting, huh?" she moaned. "Sweet fuck, bet everyone wishes this person would have stuck to writing formerly buff men turned into effeminate gay twinks getting raped up the butthole and bleeding instead of child torture, eh?"

Giovanni continued to cry and need medical attention. Madame Boss kept on grabbing and beating him until he got the message to get the fuck out of there. He went back to bed and sobbed until he passed out.

Meanwhile, back at the cabin across the street, Jessie whispered again...

"No fair. I wish I could beat Giovanni until he screams and cries," she said. "But I'm the nice adorable sweet girlfriend."


	10. Ultimate Nightmare Part 3

PART 3

And another time jump sends us hurtling years into the future until Giovanni became old enough to be a grunt. He recalled how his insane mother would obsessively talk about Miyamoto and Jessie while spinning in her chair. Around and around and around. For hours. He wanted to meet them badly so he could get some comfort for all that hurt and be told repeatedly that he was a good boy. And maybe score some easy pussy.

He ran outside and across the street to the cabin next door, and that will never stop being funny, but his evil mom saw him go out, oh no.

Inside the shipping lust cabin, poor OOC Miyamoto and Jessie continued to do the only thing they ever do. Eat snow and think about Giovanni.

There came the knock at the door.

"I'll get it," said Miyamoto. She opened the door and acted surprised when she saw a horny Giovanni struggling to contain himself.

"MILF Momma!" he said excitedly. He leaned over, looking at Jessie. "And my waifu!"

"Oh, hello, person we didn't recognize until you introduced yourself to us," said Miyamoto.

Jessie blushed. "Hi, boyfriend!"

"Hi, Mommy Miyamoto. Hi Jessie-sama!" His eyes went crossed.

"Hello, ongoing weeaboo nightmare," said Jessie. She ran up and hugged him along with Miyamoto.

"This is my family reunion now," said Giovanni. "Because you're my real family! The family the Suethor wants desperately to happen in the canon."

"So we noticed," said Jessie.

"Now I'm going to sit in this chair while the narration goes to great length to point out how I cross my legs," said Giovanni, sitting like a bitch.

Jessie immediately ran over and assumed the position of all females in any story by putting her head on his chest. "Now I am your immediate subservient property! Mark me with your sperm. Also tell me again how your mother beats you."

"Why do you always ask that?" Giovanni questioned the narrative. "She yells at me a lot and makes me eat vegetables like squash. Ocky!"

"STUPID IMMATURE JOKE," said Jessie.

"Yes, indeed," said Giovanni.

They threw their heads back and forced some laughter.

"Okay, now I kiss you on the lips again and say CHASE ME into the snow and we'll play tag like Craig and Isabella," Jessie said as she turned into Isabella Dragotti. She ran out of the cabin. "You're it!"

Giovanni got up slowly, wondering how the world became so fucked up. "Okay. But this time am I gonna score some platonic pussy or not?"

He walked outside and got nailed in the face with another snowball.

"It didn't hurt as much this time," he said.

Then the two idiots played in the snow again and kissed each other. Platonically. After they just met and all. Like in the other stories exactly like this, but with the words changed around a little.

"Musa-chan, I wuv u!" said Giovanni.

"Tag me, tag me," she screamed like she couldn't control her own thoughts. She snorted laughter, stumbling in the snow. "Who am I again?"

"Oh, Isabella! You're so silly and immature," said Craig. That's what I love you. You're an idiot and easily controllable. You're helpless and can't do anything without a male influence. Too bad the Reverse Cuck wagon is coming in again to break us apart."

The black car of doom came driving up the snow bank. Woman Boss got out of it.

"She looks really pissed," said Jessie.

"Yeah, she hates to see other people having relationships," said Giovanni. "Especially popular ships that don't get as much notice as crack ones."

He covered his face with his hands in preparation for Madame Boss's slap.

"You fucker. I've come to shatter your spirit until you can't love anymore. Not that you have any fucking concept of what actual love is thanks to this writer," said Madame Boss.

"I know what love is, Mommy! Love is when the man jams his pee-pee into the woman's feminine hole and causes blood to pour out as she screams in pain. Then two minutes later, she throws up from the baby that God put in her tum-tum!"

"I'll accept that because it's funnier," said Madame Boss before slapping him again.

"How'd you find me anyway?" Giovanni asked before getting slapped several times.

"Their cabin is across the fucking street from out mansion and it's the only building for miles, you moron. Also I saw you sneaking out," she said. "You left the door wide open." She slapped him some more. "Besides, like I didn't know this is exactly where you'd go. You're almost as obsessed with these two bitches as I am. But for completely different reasons. Now stop shipping yourselves!"

"I'm not a bad mean person like you, Mommy," Giovanni declared.

"It's time for the whip," said Madame Boss, pulling the whip from her dress.

"Miyamoto is my real mommy. She loves me more than you. She loves me more than her own daughter who she was supposed to give up for adoption," said Giovanni.

"But that canon sucks balls. And not in a good way," Jessie said, acting nice and cute. She stuck out her tongue and wiggled it.

"You're a massive idiot," Madame Boss said before she smacked him across the face with the whip.

"Ow! I mean, you're the most perfect and special and loving and beautiful mommy ever, like I said in Birth of Mewtwo!" Giovanni said and cowered.

Madame Boss continued to whip the shit out of him while Jessie screamed and cried.

"I don't know why I keep repeatedly telling you to get in the car when we're fifteen feet across the street," said Madame Boss, glancing behind her at the mansion. "But get in the car anyway."

"No! I want to stay with Milf and Step Sister," Giovanni whined.

Madame Boss's voice lowered several octaves. She grunted," HOW DARE YOU OPPOSE ME!" She whipped Giovanni some more, shredding part of his suit. "Miyamoto's not your canon mother and she never will be. She loves children. They're horrible brats. Especially youuuuuuuuuuuu!"

She turned around and thought more insane thoughts to herself. Except they were out loud.

"I must separate that shitty OTP of Jessie and Giovanni! It's bullshit! I refuse to be cucked by my own son! I'll cuck you, you sissy fucker!"

Giovanni and Jessie held each other and sobbed.

And then another car pulled up. Oh jeez, no. Not again.

"NOT AGAIN," everyone else screamed.

"Yes, again," shouted Granny Rocket, returning for the world's worse fic.

"Mom, what perfect timing," said Madame Boss.

Granny Rocket rushed past her daughter and grabbed Giovanni, blushing at him. She grabbed his face. "I heard you were feeling alone and cold in your bed, Gio-chan! So I came to keep you company!"

"Grandma, no!" Giovanni burst into tears.

"Good thing Granny lives ten miles away," said Madame Boss. "Now let's break into an impromptu discussion on how much our mansions cost."

"I'll haggled for mine," said Granny Rocket. "It was 50% off! That joke is better when you steal and reuse it over and over in places where it doesn't fit!"

Madame Boss scowled again. "Scowl," she snarled. "Mom, give me your cane again. And the taser. I need to teach my bitch of a son a lesson."

Again, Madame Boss beat the shit out Giovanni with the cane.

"I was going to kidnap and rape your son, but then I saw you all out here," said Granny Rocket. "Isn't that amusing!"

Miyamoto looked outside the window and watched Giovanni suffer for a good long while before she rushed out to fulfill her meager in the plot. "Oh, no! Don't hurt the poor baby! That's mean."

"Get in the car and get away from that slut, Giovanni," said Madame Boss. "I won't have you paired with Jessie. That's foolish. Everyone knows she's the obvious beard of that idiot gay bitch James."

"No they're not. I hate that pairing. It doesn't make any sense," Giovanni whined. "She's my friend, Mommy! My platonic girlfriend who I impregnate so we can sob over miscarriages. In a completely platonic way."

"I don't want you to have any friends either," said Madame Boss.

"I'll see you in bed tonight, sissy boy," said the evil Grandma, rubbing Giovanni's face.

"Don't touch him like that! Only I can touch him like that," said Miyamoto. "When I do it, it's pure and good."

"Oh, go choke on a dick, Miyamoto-chan. By the way, you're fired again. Until I need you to catch the Mew for me."

"But I'm the Rocket Gang's best member!"

"No, you're not! All you fucking do is sit in the cabin trying to ship my son and your daughter together and not doing any goddamn work! Or didn't you notice that! I should have fired you a long time ago!" Madame Boss shook her fist.

"Oh, right," said Miyamoto.

"Now strip your clothes so I can enjoy your humiliation and nude shame," said Madame Boss.

"It's freezing cold," said Miyamoto, frowning for the first time in her life.

"Exactly. Everyone will laugh at your hardened nipples and I want to see you blush," said Madame Boss, smirking.

Miyamoto blushed with shame as she took off her outfit in the cold and everyone stared at her perky nips and struggled not to laugh.

"Hey, if you get to strip her, I get to strip Giovanni," said Granny Rocket. "Hand it over, hot stuff!" She held out her hand.

"Granny!" Giovanni blushed even with all his clothes on.

"Now get lost. Take your garbage characterization and your garbage daughter and all your garbage ships and go die somewhere in a ditch," said Madame Boss.

"We still live here in this cabin, and again, you're on our property," said Miyamoto.

"I'll get it condemned and torn down!" Madame Boss stomped away.

"And now we run back to the cabin again," said Miyamoto, grabbing her stepson and her daughter's hands and running back into their cabin. "Bye!"

"Ooh, here we go again," said Granny Rocket before her dentures flew out of her mouth. "So funny!"

"Is this is parody of a fucking parody? Someone wrote this as a serious fic and called it canon," said Madame Boss, trying to comprehend the ongoing events. "That is un-fucking-believable."

"Oh, honey. It's the internet," said Granny Rocket. "Nothing makes sense and everything is a Poe's Law until proven otherwise."

"Well. I guess we'll camp outside their cabin and wait for one of them to come out. Then we bash their skulls in," said Madame Boss.

"Remember when we had Pokémon that could attack and rip the door or walls open if we wanted? We could kill people with them," said Granny Rocket.

"No," said Madame Boss angrily. "No one gives a fuck about Pokémon."

Granny Rocket sighed. "Fine then. I guess we'll stand out here in the freezing snow and wait for the plot to move on!"

Back in the cabin, Miyamoto wore her fur rug dress and made a fire in the fireplace. And they were so poor they had to eat snow and wear fur rugs, but they somehow had hot cocoa. She was busying herself with the cocoa and didn't see her new stepson and daughter banging in the bedroom in the bed. Again they were called friends, repeatedly, as if the person who wrote this incomprehensible shitfest doesn't understand what words mean. They kissed repeatedly with tongue.

Miyamoto walked in with the hot chocolate. She BLUSHED when she saw Giovanni and her daughter nude in bed with their clothes off to one side. "Oh my! Did I interrupt something?" She winked.

"Mommy?" said Giovanni.

"SON!" said Miyamoto, confirming this is indeed a somehow "better than" incestuous pairing on the Suethor's part. "It's more pure than everyone else's because we're not blood related! Checkmate, shippers!"

"We're using protection," Jessie said and laughed. "Ha, I thought we were only friends!"

"Friends with BENEFITS!" Giovanni said.

"Okay then! I'll put the hot chocolate mugs here next to the bed so you can drink them when you're done fucking," said Miyamoto.

THIS IS A STORY SOMEONE FUCKING WROTE AND EXPECTED PEOPLE TO TAKE SERIOUSLY AS REAL DRAMA AND SHIT. OH MY GOD. WHAT?

And then she went away from the plot again, into the ether.

"Now that we're doing the doo and your mom walked in on us and didn't even bat an eye and this is officially confirmed to be a batshit as all fuck fetish smut fic of insane proportions where nothing makes any amount of sense whatsoever and all characters are OOC, this is the perfect time to question you again to tell me about how your creepy Granny raped you. Because we need more sexualized rape," said Jessie.

"Okay then," said Giovanni, taking a deep drag from his cigarette. "When I was a young boy, Granny tried to mold me into her sissy slave pet. She made me wear light blue boxer shorts. She would dangle my dingle out of the hole and giggle. It made me really uncomfortable. And then she'd spit out her dentures and laugh, like it was supposed to be funny."

"Sexy," said Jessie. "I mean, how very traumatic."

"Yeah, I stole it," said Giovanni. "Oh, sorry." He started to cry so Jessie could rub his face and lick his tears off. "Thank you, platonic stepsister fuckslave."

"No problemo, Craig-kun," said Jessie.

And then Jessie and Giovanni touched opposite body parts.

Uh. Like. What? What body parts. Wait...this...what. Huh? Is that real?

He buried his stiff corpse in her crypt.

Oh, sorry. "Stiff corpse" in her "crypt" and for the love of God, what. WHAT?

That is...That is...the most ridiculous euphemism for penis and vagina I have ever witnessed.

It would have been better to say simply, he put his thingie into her you-know-what and they did it for the forty second time. Platonically.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Meanwhile, the Forever Alone stalkers were outside, staring through the windows. They kept on scowling and Madame Boss pulled out a pair of binoculars from her hammerspace pocket.

"No fair! That lucky bitch gets to fuck Giovanni instead of me!" Granny Rocket whined.

"You know, I just realized the door was unlocked," said Madame Boss, turning the knob. She opened it. Giovanni and Jessie paused during their platonic fuck session. Miyamoto was drinking hot chocolate by the fireplace.

"Oh, Boss!" said Miyamoto with dull surprise. "Hello."

Madame Boss stared at Giovanni. "Are you kidding me? Get dressed, Giovanni. This fucking piece if shit fic doesn't make a lick of sense and I won't have you in it any longer," she commanded.

"Okay," he obeyed submissively.

"They were only trying to keep warm, Ma'am," said Miyamoto.

"The story has clearly established them as fucking, dearest Miya-chan. There is no way to traipse around this any longer," said Madame Boss, petting her on the head. She stormed over and grabbed Giovanni's hand and shoved him in the car. Damn, did she go through the wall? Where are we? Are there even walls? "NO, NOTHING MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!"

Jessie burst into tears. "Craig! I mean, Giovanni! Nooo, platonic boyfriend who got me preggers!"

"Sorry, Jessie! I'll be back to fuck you later. Or something," called Giovanni.

And now a long trip down to unspecified amount of time later where there's loads of karaoke.

Giovanni and Madame Boss will sing Team Rocket Forever.

"Now I have to keep you on a leash so you don't do stupid things against my permission," said Madame Boss. "And now I'm going to obsess over your baby with Jessie because it could be the Anti-Christ."

"That's rude, mother," said Giovanni.

"Your face is rude," said Madame Boss. "Don't make me punch it again." She slapped it instead. "Now shut up. We need to forget all the events that have transpired possible weeks or days or moments ago and pretend as though nothing crazy happened. We need to go steal some Pokémon. Profit, profit! This is a good story."

"I miss my platonic fucktoy stepsister," said Giovanni, looking very, very sad.

"Now it's time to cross-dress so I can laugh at you being a sissy bitch," said Madame Boss. "We're going to a party for rich people. I guess we weren't invited."

She threw down some clothes.

"Put them on, bitch."

Giovanni had no choice but to obey. "I'm really starting to hate these gross flashbacks about fetishism and weird shit some douchebag weeb was dumb enough to suggest was canon to sane people in the fandom."

"It is canon," Madame Boss hissed before slapping Giovanni upside the head.

They went to the nondescript party where nothing of interest was described in detail other than the puffy, frilly, hyperfeminine Victorian outfit Giovanni was dressed in.

"This wig is heavier than the last time, Mommy," Giovanni complained.

"Shut up, you stupid whore," said Madame Boss. "Everyone's looking at us. Mostly you. It's making me wet. Ah, look at all those delicious Pokémons. I'm gonna catch 'em all."

"Ooh, I can steal that Ninetails from that hot guy over there by molesting him against his will," said Giovanni before proceeding to do exactly that like it wouldn't get him arrested. And it didn't. For the sake of the plot. The guy's date was morbidly offended.

"Excuse me!" she huffed at him.

"MOMMY, LOOK AT THIS HOT GUY AND HIS NINETAILS! CAN I PUT HIS DICK IN MY MOUTH?"

And some slapstick shenanigans ensued. "You dumbass! You gave us away! Now we have to sing Team Rocket Forever!" She smacked him over the head with his own lacy fan and dragged him into the center stage, where the band was and all the spotlights shown down. She shoved the lounge singer out of the way and stole his mic.

"There's always darkness in this universe! There is no hope to be found! Run, flee while you can, or you'll get a cock slap to the face! Right in the childhood. That's how we roll. Right, wow!" said Madame Boss.

"Justice? There isn't any. Everything is evil. We are soulless fuckpuppets made to bow before a lunatics whims. This is the play in which we are forever trapped, destined to suffer and die. Where are the stars? They seem so far away. There is no future in the world of Pokémon. We are doomed. For all eternity," said Giovanni.

"Please, kill us," they both said together. "Free us from our torment."

"Reality is a nightmare," said Madame Boss.

"This fic will bring about the world's destruction," said Giovanni.

"There will be no peace," said Madame Boss.

"It will only cause evil to spread across the world," said Giovanni.

"We aren't your beloved childhood villains," said the two of them together.

"I'm not Madame Boss. I'm Sasha."

"I'm not Giovanni. I am Craig."

"And now," they said together again," back to the crazy fetish abomination disguised as Pokémon. Despite having little to nothing to do with it, outside of a handful of meaningless names thrown around."

"Who are these ghastly people?" shouted a man with a monocle.

"WE'RE TEAM ROCKET!" yelled Madame Boss. "You fuckwit! Weren't you listening?"

"The sheer amount of weeaboo radiating from this mess is making me faint," said Giovanni. He placed a hand to his forehead. "Or maybe it's the wig making me overheat."

"Repeat first verse!" Madame Boss shouted. "Holy fuck, are you kidding? They really did copy fucking EVERYTHING!"

"Ooh, Mommy, there's my sexy man again! I thought I was fucking my soulmate, Jessie. But now I'm gay again for the sake of a homophobic joke? Ugh, can this person make up their mind," said Giovanni. He pulled a Pokéball out of his dress from between his legs. "I'll catch me a man. If only it worked that easily!"

"No, we're leaving. We've already been embarrassed enough with this scene," said Madame Boss, pulling him away by the ear. "Also be quite. The narration very clearly states that YOU'RE MY WIFE SO I OWN YOU." Wow, they weren't kidding about the fanatical levels of misogyny in this person's writing.

"But I'm not really your wife, or female! I'm your son, and male!" Giovanni whimpered.

"That makes it ever better," said Madame Boss. "You're double my property by virtual of having slid out of my feminine baby hole and also you're my sissy bitch submissive. Now shut up!"

"But I wanna stare at the married man because cuckoldry is my biggest fetish," said Giovanni.

"We're going to engage in more sexual fetishism somewhere where you can't hit on anybody and make me both jealous and disgusted," said Madame Boss. "And now we switch to new more humiliating disguises for you."

They went into a random forest, dressed as Alexandra and Rasputin.

"Not the Russian fetish again," Giovanni moaned.

"Yes, the Russian fetish again!" She smacked the back of his head. "Now prepare for more random karaoke."

A random expendable background character appeared. "Howdy there! You people aren't in any trouble over here, are you?"

"Yes," Giovanni whispered. "Please, help me. Call the police!"

"No, we're fine. We're cosplaying Rasputin and Alexandra now," said Madame Boss. "My bitch boy, er wife, has the power to heal Pokémon."

"Ooh, weird." The hiker whistled with his fingers. "HEY, EVERYBODY! COME LOOK AT THE WEIRDOS CROSSPLAYING TOGETHER!"

Suddenly a huge crowd gathered around them.

"Heal my Arbok that got tied in a knot somehow," said a lady. "I didn't do it, I swear."

"I've got a Marril that's dead and mute," said a man. "Can you Jesus magic it?"

"Heal my leprosy," said someone else.

Madame Boss stood up angrily. "Now we have to sing the motto again!"

"What the hell is going on?" whispered a guy to another guy.

"I thought they were performance artists," said another.

"Fix my Arbok!" cried the lady with the Arbok. "I thought you had powers. Are you charlatans?"

"Yes," Giovanni blurted.

"Let's get the shit out of here," said Madame Boss, dragging Giovanni away into a deeper part of the forest. "I have another crazy plan that involves stupid OOC shit."

"As long as it involves sexy bishonens," said Giovanni.

Madame Boss slapped him across the face. "No. We're going to skip over this bullshit and get to the worst ones."

They wandered aimlessly until they were in a park, now dressed as Aries and Athena. And Giovanni is Athena.

"This is weird and creepy, Mommy," said Giovanni. "How is this possibly canon? It's embarrassing."

"That's exactly why it's canon, bitch boy," said Madame Boss. "I can masturbate to it."

The children in the park gathered around to point and laugh at the pair of dysfunctional loons.

"You have any rare Pokémons?" Madame Boss asked them. She saw one carrying a Hoothoot and grabbed it. "MINE!"

Giovanni chased her, whining "Mommmy!" as he struggled with his flowing dress. "That's my Hoothoot! Mommmyyyyyyyy I want it, I want it!"

"Hoothoot only likes women, you sissy bitch! You don't count!" Madame Boss said to him, laughing. The Hoothoot cuddled her face, making Giovanni jealous.

"I'm a pretty lady!" Giovanni insisted.

"Tucking your dick doesn't make you a woman," she said. "It makes you a sissy bitch boy! Now on your knees!"

"Noooo," Giovanni cried and pouted. "I don't wanna suck your strap on again, Mommy! You never wash it!"

The children watched the insane man and woman-child run around, whining and acting like a pair of freaks before they ran away.

"What the fuck just happened," asked a kid. The rest of the children shook their heads.

"Remind me to kill myself if I ever start to grow up into somebody like those two," said another kid.

Meanwhile in whatever the fucking fuck is going on here.

Giovanni came out of the forest wearing giant inflatable gag boobs. He tripped over them.

Woman Boss shrieked with laughter. "GAY BOY, GAY BOY!"

Giovanni's animu tiddies dragged on the ground. "What's happening to me? Why is this considered normal? This wasn't labeled as a comedy."

"They never are," said Madame Boss. "Okay, I'm done with fetish session for now, bitch brat boy. Now we'll go home." She grabbed Giovanni and dragged him by the ear again.


	11. Ultimate Nightmare Part 4

PART 4

Warning: This chapter might not be for sensitive readers!

That was in all seriousness a warning for this chapter, and this chapter alone. And none of the other fuckshit that happened in the last forty. Or the ones to come. God help us all, what is in store. I cannot imagine. No, just kidding, I do. I've read it beforehand in order to judge whether it was worth my time to parody. It was so bad, it ended up being the grande finale.

And look out for a brand new Mary Sue God Pokémon to show up and destroy the world. Or maybe not. It's not fun enough for there to be Mewtwo, a clone of Mew. We went and made a shitty OC clone of Mew itself called ETERNALMEW! Which is also wearing armor and shit and...well. Wait. I've spoiled it already. Oops.

Ha, not sorry.

We join Woman Boss leaving the scene so Granny Sadism could take over and open up the rape and torture dungeon. And now you know why this chapter has been rated for safety while the others weren't. It's fucking brutal. But how much more or less brutal in comparison TO ALL THE OTHER SHIT IN THE PAST FICS AND CHAPTERS. See, warning for one thing among all that other stuff doesn't make a lick of sense.

The narration described Giovanni's red suit and being hidden in the shadows with his Persian. Yes, nobody fucking knows who Giovanni is. Much less this version of him that came straight out somebody in the fandom's worst nightmares.

A Mary Sue trainer girl came in. She looked exactly like Gary, only female.

"Who goes there," said Giovanni from the shadows.

"I'm Mary, of Pallet Town," said Mary Poke. "I've come here to battle. And I'm stealing the dialogue from Battle of the Badge and twisting it to suit myself here."

"Yeah, whatever," said Giovanni. "No one cares."

"Can you tell the Suethor enjoys snakes? Namely," she said, throwing out her first Pokéball, out from which popped an Arbok. It's Kobra backwards. Get it? Cobra? "COBRAS!"

It's called a fucking Arbok. That is the species name. It's not a cobra. It's a Pokémon.

"SISSY BOY! ARE YOU DOWN THERE?" called an old woman's voice.

"Oh, man," said Giovanni, cancelling the match. "Sorry, I gotta go. My Granny wants me." He ran all the way upstairs to the office room where his creepy Grandma was sitting at her desk. "What is it, Grandma? I was in the middle of a Pokémon match!"

"No one cares about your silly Pokémons, boy," she said.

"But this is supposed to be a Pokémon fanfic," said Giovanni warily.

"No," said Granny Rocket, grinning with her slimy stained dentures. "This is someone's Mary Sue insertion smut fetish badfic travesty with the names of stolen fictional characters pasted onto it."

Giovanni gulped, looking immediately fearful.

"I have a mission for you, my dearest grandson," said Granny Rocket.

"But I'm supposed to be Viridian Gym leader. I don't go on missions. I send my lackeys to do that kind of thing," said Giovanni. Granny whacked him in the face with the cane. "Ow!"

"Don't you question my authority, little boy! You do whatever I tell you to," said Granny Rocket. "You're not the gym leader anymore. Now you do whatever I want."

"Okay, Gran-Gran." Giovanni kneeled submissively. "I'm sorry for being rebellious!"

"You're going to go on a random diversion scene to capture the rarest Pokémon in the world within 24 hours while I observe your every move on two thousand hidden cameras somehow so I can watch you fail. I mean so you don't fail!"

"This is a stupid plot already," Giovanni grumbled. Granny catched his head with the cane again. "Ow! Grandma! You'll give me drain bamage!"

"Shut up, sissy boy," said Granny Rocket before letting out a cackle.

Her ratty old Persian got into a fight with Giovanni's Persian, establishing dominance by slicing it in the face until it whimpered and slunk away behind Giovanni. Giovanni cowered in front of his Granny dom.

"Leave the Persian here so I can skin it for a rug...I mean use it for my own Pokémon battles. I'll take over as gym leader for you," she said.

"But Granny! My beloved Persian," Giovanni whimpered. He cowered in the face of her wrath once again. "Okay, okay! I'll never question you again." His bottom lip trembled. "I won't fail you in my mission."

"Oh, I'm sure you won't," Granny Rocket said, pressing a switch on her desk. "I've taken measures to make certain you won't fail me. These will be the consequences if you do!"

The wall opened up and everything fucking turned into THE DREADED TORTURE RAPE DUNGEON FROM NOWHERE! And lo and behold, there was Jessie chained to the wall. Here we fucking go. Here it is. Clench tightly.

"If you fail me, I'll torture you along with your Mary Sue slut girlfriend!" Granny Rocket yelled.

"Oh my God!" Giovanni screamed. "I knew it would happen sooner or later! I just wish it had happened later. When I was in a story like this."

"The original narration says I found her while driving in the snow some unspecified months ago so I kidnapped her and kept her chained in my rape and torture dungeon for a fucking month and no one noticed? Hmm. Poor girl! Anyway, I hate her because she stole your affection, ha ha! Wow, these Sues have a big fucking problem, don't they?" she attempted to explain to the frightened audience.

"Yeah, you and mom seem to have that ongoing theme here," said Giovanni, shaking his head. "It's really subtle."

"THE SUETHER IS SO FUCKING BITTER OVER HER EX! HAHAHAHABWAH!" Granny Rocket yelled at the fourth wall. "Everyone must be tortured as revenge. Especially all the new female characters."

"Yeah, well. Bye, Persian," Giovanni said as he French kissed his pet Pokémon goodbye forever and somehow switched his gender magically, becoming a woman. "Granny didn't even tell me to disguise as a woman this time. I did it because I wanted to. Now let's engage in inappropriate comedy mixed in with all the torture and rape! That's good writing."

He dressed himself as as specifically described weak princess and ran to the forest, where Brock was mentioned specifically as wandering through the forest looking for women. Lots of specifics there. Princess Gio-chan stumbled toward Brock and fell into his arms. Again, clothes have multiple sentences of description, but nobody can stop to accurately describe anything else going on here in detail. That doesn't matter to the story. Just what the characters are wearing. And how much suffering they go through when they're tortured or raped. Mmkay. Got it. Priorities.

Brock blushed and drooled over the hot bishi chick in his arms that had no eyebrows. "Whoa, did I get lucky wandering here through this forest! I hope you're not some creepy pedophile perv dressed as a chick but you've got a dick, 'cause I don't want none of that!"

"Uh," said Princess Giovanni. He spoke in a bad falsetto again. "No? I assure you. I'm totally legit and stuff. Tee hee!" He began to tear up. "I need a Mew to heal me or I'll die."

"That's pretty weird. Why don't you just go to a hospital?" He looked around. "The chances of finding a Mew are really rare."

"I was hoping to find a specialized Mew trainer because it was fabled that he would be my one true Prince, to whom my life, and my lovely female virgin pussy, will be forever indebted! I shall be forced to marry him without question if he can provide me with a Mew."

"I can totally do that!" Brock's eyes lit up even though they were closed. "I'm a Mew trainer! That means I'm your Prince!"

"So where's the Mew?" Princess Giovanni asked, heavy with suspicion.

"Uuuuh," Brock said nervously, fumbling with his pocket. "Somewhere? In my pocket. Let me check for it."

Tracey popped up. "Hey, I get a cameo too! Hi, guys!"

"I'm not a guy," Giovanni snarled before remembering his voice. "I mean, tee hee! Oh my, another strapping young man! Do you perhaps have a Mew?"

"No, but I drew one based off a description," said Tracy. "I'd like to draw you, Princess! I've never seen one so tall and lacking eyebrows before."

Giovanni blushed and giggled. "Oh boy."

Brock was struck by the stupidity that befalls all the men who start warring over a woman they've been stalking or an unfortunate abused dude in drag in these pieces of shit. "I SAW HER FIRST!" He shoved Tracey to the ground.

"Ow! What is your problem?" He picked up his sketchbook and tried to wipe off the dirt.

"I have no idea, actually. I don't feel much myself today," said Brock.

"Well, I only had a few seconds of cameo in this shitty story and you kinda ruined them. So goodbye, I guess!" He finished up his crappy doodle and showed it to Giovanni. "This was the best I could do on such short notice."

Giovanni cringed when he saw the awful picture of himself dressed up as a fake Princess. Tracy really captured his face well.

Brock drooled on Giovanni's pink heels. "I'm really not myself lately, hurr durr hurr! I usually don't drool this much. But now that we're alone, I can molest you."

"Oh boy, here we go," Giovanni sighed, shoving his face into his palm.

"No, wait!" Brock turned around and bent over, exposing his ass. "You can spank me and maybe it'll break whatever curse you've got!"

"What curse?"

"I dunno. I thought maybe you were cursed to have no eyebrows."

"Well I am feeling like hitting something," Giovanni muttered with half a smile on his face.

"I've been such a bad boy! Spank me, Mommy! I mean, Princess!"

Giovanni grabbed Brock and spanked the fuck out of him until his ass was red and raw. It hurt so good. This is a real Pokémon story somebody wrote and claimed was better that canon. I swear to God.

"OH YEAH, IT HURTS SO GOOD!" Brock fell into the grass after he was released.

Giovanni giggled and ran out of the forest and into the town. He entered a dive bar and went to the bathroom, changing into another set of clothing. Now he was a singer. The plot was going to force him to karaoke again. Instead of trying to catch the Pikachu by karaoke, he would try to catch the Mew the same way. Like in that last story with the part I skipped because it was absolutely awful and went nowhere.

"I love karaoke," said this godawful effigy of Giovanni.

He ran to the stage and no one stopped him. Also there was a CD player conveniently sitting there. Loaded with all your favorite anime soundtracks. He started singing Mad Machine from Bubblegum Crisis.

"You can't repost lyrics anymore, and nobody wants to sit through this part anyhow, la la la! Filler bullshit!"

Men gathered around for some reason. Why they'd be interested in this shit is beyond me.

When Giovanni finished he looked around for signs of the Mew but it didn't show up. Maybe he needed to let the men attack and molest him so the Mew could show up, sensing his depression and pain and whatever. Like with his Mom.

"No thanks," said Giovanni, running out of the building and back into the forest.

There, he wandered aimlessly, and the original narration even says that, until the Mew conveniently showed up.

There is really no direction to any of these. Not a single bit. It's pure stream of consciousness insanity.

"Mew? Is that you?" Giovanni asked.

The white Mew sat on a tree branch, giggling at Giovanni.

"Mew! It is you!" He jumped in the air. "Yay! Now I can save my Mary Sue girlfriend who has been locked away in a rape and torture dungeon for several months unbeknownst to me this while time because I guess I only care about her when it's convenient to the plot! And nobody ever mentioned she was missing before or thought to call the police and file a missing person's report or anything!"

Giovanni didn't let Mew see him, his old childhood friend, unless that plot is now irrelevant, and instead disguised himself as a specifically "hysterical woman" who lost her pet up a tree. Because that would make the Mew come down? What?

Giovanni hiked up his dress and stepped out in his heels and sobbed hysterically.

"OH, SOMEBODY! HELP! MY PRECIOUS LITTLE PET IS IN A TREE AND I'M TOO WEAK AND STEREOTYPICALLY HYPERFEMININE TO DO ANYTHING! BECAUSE FEMININE WOMEN CAN'T DO ANYTHING BY THEMSELVES! THEY'RE SO HELPLESS AND FRAIL! I REQUIRE A...strong and handsome man? Wait, how is this supposed to attract the Mew? Mew has no gender. What?"

Oh, so he's getting another trainer to help him get the Mew? Don't you have your own R&D department to make Master balls, you rich idiot? Or get them somewhere in bulk.

Some buff dude skipped past for the sake of a joke. "HEY, LADY, MAYBE YOUR CAT'S UP A TREE BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A SHRIEKY BITCH!" He laughed.

Giovanni scowled. Take a drink. And down the whole bottle. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

The trainer looked shocked. "What the fuck, lady." He ran back out of the plot.

And this continues on and on for far too long. My fucking God. The pain.

People randomly appeared for the sake of a bad joke and vanished just as quickly.

"Mew?" Mew asked from its spot in the tree. It had been sitting there watching these events for the past ten minutes.

Giovanni burst into hysterical sobbing again and the rest of the trainers looking for Pokémon in the forest told her to shut the fuck up and also threw their Pokéballs at her. And then they vanished from the plot.

YEAH, WE GET IT, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOVE ON, PLEASE.

"Mew," said Mew. It popped up by the perpetually sobbing Giovanni's head. Giovanni ran around like an idiot, trying to catch a fucking Mew with his hands. Mew giggled at him and farted.

"Hey, come the fuck back here, you backstabbing pink asshole! I thought we were childhood friends forever! I need you to let me capture you so my Mary Sue platonic fuckbuddy girlfriend doesn't get tortured and murdered by my insane sadistic Grandmother Suethor avatar!"

Mew enjoyed playing with the crazed transvestite. Uh huh. Then it flew back to a taller tree before sitting at the very top of it. Then the Idiot Ball hit it, it lost its balance and fell down, smashing against several dozen branches. Okay.

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeew!" Translated: "This is some bullshit right here! I can fly! This was entirely plot convience!"

"Ah, how I love them," whispered Giovanni as he watched the Mew fall down. He sat on a rock and sobbed again. "Oh, boo hoo. Why isn't there anyone that can relate to my pain and suffering?"

Mew popped up beside him. "Mew," it said angrily.

"I know, right?" Giovanni sobbed hysterically with heaving shoulders. The Mew started to cry along with him. "We're so tragic and sad feelings! So will you remember our long established friendship and let me capture you already?"

Mew titled its head to show confusion. "Mew!" it said. Meaning, "Who are you again?"

Giovanni removed his wig. "It's me! Giovanni!"

And then Giovanni remembered how he had Mew as a best friend when he was a two year old but he was so nice that he let the Mew go free and it flew away and yeah sure. Where are you pulling this from? Oh, wait. The sentences are hard to read because everything is in one paragraph and it's several topics going on at once.

Giovanni watched the Mew fly away and didn't capture it after all. Mmmkay then. He took off his disguise. And then he went back home. So all this for nothing. All this just to do some more cross-dressing misogyny homophobia fetish. He went back to Rocket Gang HQ and saw Jessie.

"Hi, Jessie. I failed to capture the Mew so I guess now we're both going to be raped and tortured," said Giovanni, shrugging while looking embarrassed. "Sorry."

"You dickhole," said Jessie.

Granny Rocket pressed another button on her desk that caused some chains to magically shoot out and catch Giovanni by the legs. It retracted, dragging him to the wall.

"Damn it," said Giovanni, now chained to the wall with Jessie.

"Hey, I warned you what would happen and you failed anyway," said Granny Rocket.

"THE PLOT MADE ME!" Giovanni cried.

"Yeah, I know," said Granny Rocket excitedly. She skipped over to Jessie. "Now you can watch me torture your new girlfriend."

"Okay," said Giovanni, thankful that it wasn't him first.

Granny Rocket removed the electric razor from the BDSM plot grab bag that appears in every round robin fetish fic story this Suethor has ever written and then stolen from one of her other friends after they finished. "Time to shave the woman's head!"

"Noooo, not my hair! My appearance is my only worth!" screamed Jessie. "And this will take years to grow back!" She burst into tears, screaming as Granny Rocket shaved her head and made her the submissive to her elderly dom. "You fucking bitch! Ew! Why is my head written as being pure white? Am I really pale on my scalp or do I have dandruff or something?"

"I love hearing you scream and cry! I get off on it," admitted Granny Suethor. I mean Rocket. "I love to watch you all suffering as I torture and rape your favorite childhood characters and ships who are more popular than mine!"

"Yeah, we know," said everyone in the vicinity and the audience. "You keep reminding us every five fucking minutes."

"And spamming this fics by the dozens every day for the past few years," said Giovanni.

"I wish I could hold and comfort you, Jessie, and make out with your bald head, but these darn BDSM chains are trying me up," said Giovanni. "Mostly I wish I could comfort you with my penis. But I don't think this is an appropriate time. Yet."

"Now that you have no hair, your beauty is gone and you're completely worthless. No man will love you anymore," said Granny Rocket. "Especially not my hot sissy bitch grandson!"

"At least my face is still beautiful," said Jessie. "I could always buy a wig. It's not so bad."

"Now I'm going to gum you," said Granny Rocket.

"Granny, no! That's incest!" Giovanni screamed.

"The Suethor doesn't think so!" She stripped him to his undies and touched him all over and then did the slobbering beat down on his no-no bits and I want to throw up now. For exactly an hour. And then she dressed him again. But he was in fucking chains. How did you get his suit jacket off when...oh fucking forget it.

Giovanni's Persian was still alive. But only long enough to make a short cameo. It tried to attack Granny Rocket but she, a frail old insane creepy granny who couldn't go out and battle Pokémon anymore because she was too weak and she said Giovanni had to do it for her and that was the whole purpose of that filler from before suddenly was able to bash a full grown Persian's skull in with her cane as it tried to save its master.

So Giovanni could shriek and weep uncontrollably.

Granny Rocket hit him in his balls. Sorry, I mean "his sensitive area." His no-no naughty spot. His masculine protuberance. Oh, wait, he's suddenly free of the chains. Okay then. He fell to his knees.

"Ha, now your Persian's dead," said Granny Rocket, stepping on its corpse. "I'm going to make it into a rug." She pulled out a dagger from her desk and forced Giovanni to watch as she fucking skinned his Persian. He vomited. So did the audience. "This is great, isn't it?"

"No," everyone screamed.

"You are the worst fucking writer in this fandom, you monster," Jessie yelled.

"At least it's not Poké-Girls," said Giovanni. "Although I kind of wish it was because then I wouldn't be affected."

"Screw the rug, I'm going to make this into a coat," said Granny Rocket.

"Hi Momma. What are you doing in here?" said Madame Boss, also appearing at just the right timing.

"Oh God, no, now there's both of them!" Jessie cried in anguish.

"I guess fatty here's hair is falling out because she's pregnant," said Madame Boss.

"Gasp," gasped Jessie. "Wait, how did you know I was pregnant when I didn't know?"

"Script," said Madame Boss, holding it up. "I noticed you were fatter than usual and holy shit, WHAT."

So the whole fucking way Madame Boss is indicated to assume Jessie is pregnant is that her stomach is a lot fatter. YOU KNOW THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE A BIT ALONG, RIGHT? THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY JESSIE WOULD HAVE STILL HAD NO FUCKING IDEA SHE WAS FUCKING PREGNANT AFTER BEING THAT FAR ALONG IN THE PROCESS. FUCK. THAT'S LIKE THE FUCKING SECOND TRIMESTER. YOU SHOULD LITERALLY BE ABLE TO FEEL THE BABY IF IT MOVES AT THAT POINT. GOD, LEARN SOME FUCKING BIOLOGY.

I know this parody is based on a really fucking godawful terrible story, but even I'm having trouble dealing with the sheer willful ignorance of it. It feels like a parody in itself. It's that bad. In every way possible. This is quite possibly one of the worst things I've read from this person, asmide from another epic pedo-rape fest full of children and bestiality and general nonsensical OOC crazy shit that had been dubbed "completely canon and the haters can suck it" once again. And yeah, that's on my To Do list in the future. God help me. God help us all.

"Oh no, I thought I was getting fat for real but I was preggers the whole time! That explains why I keep feeling weird and there's this sensation in my tummy like something is moving in there!" Jessie said.

"That's your uterus," said Giovanni.

"Who cares! Gio-kun, we're having a kawaii baby God Sue!"

And they smiled and stared at each other like they weren't FUCKING CHAINED TO THE RAPE DUNGEON WALL by their murderous grandmother. Pay attention.

"Ew! I'm not being a grandmother. Children are horrible expensive brats!" Madame Boss said. "We're going to have to kill you and the baby."

"Oh no!" Giovanni said with mild concern.

"I don't know why we didn't do this in the first place instead of keeping her here in my torture-rape dungeon for some odd months," said Granny Rocket. "I don't know how's she still alive anyhow. I haven't fed or given her water at all and yet somehow she and the baby are just fine."

"Damn plot convience," said Madame Boss. "It doesn't always work in the ways you want it to." She held out her hand. "Gimme your dagger, Momma."

"I should feed them to my ultimate Mary Sue God Pokémon that I have," said Granny Rocket cryptically.

"Ooh, what's that? Explain, please," said Giovanni.

"Remember when you had that shitty Mewtwo with the armor in the canon?" she asked Giovanni, who didn't remember any of that because it had been stripped away from the universe and reused in a way the Suethor preferred for herself. "Well, I stole that concept and applied it to my favorite Pokémon, the Mew, who's now a super all powerful Poké-Sue wearing armor. With fangs and claws and shit. Very deviantART OC."

"That sounds dumb as hell," said Jessie.

"No, what's dumb as hell is that the Suethor stole the functional plot of Birth of Mewtwo, completely erased Mewtwo, and replaced it with the Mew and all this fetish shipping Mary Sue bullshit sprinkled around it, then claimed it as being the One True Canon," said Granny Rocket. "We had our scientists clone the Mew's eyelash that we found and make it into a cooler dark and edgy villain Sue version of Mew. Because Mewtwo is fucking ugly and stupid!"

Meanwhile, Madame Boss was taunting Jessie and her enfant terrible.

"I'm going to stupidly challenge you to a Pokémon battle, Grandma!" said Giovanni. "You have to let Jessie and my baby and me go if I win. We're going to go live happily with Miyamoto Mommy and fuck each other without condoms forever. Until we die of various STDs or not eating and whatever."

"I hate that bitch so much," said Madame Boss.

"Yeah, whatever. And if I win, your slut bitch and her Anti-Christ die."

"UUUUUUH," and that was an actual line from the original fic. Minus the emphasis caps. "I seem to be regretting this decision seconds after I've made it."

"You don't have any Pokémon to battle with, you dumbass. I killed your only Persian," said Granny Rocket, laughing.

"Well I used to have a lot in the canon," said Giovanni.

"Not anymore! Canon doesn't fucking exist!" Madame Boss yelled and doubled over with laughter.

"Don't worry. I'll let you borrow one of mine!" said Granny Rocket.

Giovanni frowned. "Is it rigged?"

Granny Boss stuck her tongue through her lips and snorted. "Who knows!"

"How's about if I die when I lose and you spare everyone else."

"Nope," said Granny Rocket. "You're not getting off that easy, sonny boy." She licked her lips. "But I probably will when I see you embarrass yourself and suffer! I'm gonna own that beautiful twink body of yours one way or another."

"Damn," Giovanni muttered.

"You're gonna be the Rocket Gang's sex slave forever if I win this battle," Granny Rocket threatened and you could tell she meant it.

"UUUUUUUUM, OKAY," said Giovanni, honest to God, in the original line of dialogue. What even is this fic. "Wait, I didn't say that! The plot forced me!"

"Nope, too late! No takebacks," said Granny Rocket. "I'll spare the girl's life for the while, hee hee!

Giovanni was freed from his chains. "I can't believe this is happening," he said. "Anyway, I want go rub against my property, I mean, my platonic girlfriend before I do this battle." And Jessie is still referred to as Giovanni's best friend the whole time. And he made out with her scalp repeatedly. Not her face. "Mmm, yep, that's dandruff."

"I have lips, you know," said Jessie.

"Those aren't the one's I want my mouth touching," Giovanni whispered into her ear.

"God, this is a worse fanfic than those last fourteen," Jessie sniffled.

"I hope you don't miscarriage so we all cry even more than usual," said Giovanni, laughing and winking. He slapped his tongue into her mouth.

"This is pretty gross, actually," said Jessie, wiping off a trail of spit from her lips. "Hope you don't die."

"Get a fucking move on," yelled Madame Boss.

Giovanni and Jessie were just friends. Just platonic friends who fuck and get pregnant. Platonically. Platonic BDSM incest friends. You know.

"Time to rip off Battle of the Badge yet again," said Granny Rocket. "But insert only the characters and fucked up shit we fantasize about being canon instead of the actual canon. And then call it original and also the REAL TRUE canon."

She cuddled her own Persian and made Giovanni start sobbing buckets again.

And somehow the walls in the gym were linked to the walls in the office and Jessie was chained to the dungeon walls again so Giovanni could see her.

"One Pokémon each. No time limit," said Granny Rocket. She slammed her fist down on a button and the doorway opened revealing the armored and controlled Mewtwo from the canon after all. But it was never named as such. Probably because the Suethor didn't give a fuck. "Here's your shitty Pokémon."

"Oh, cool," Giovanni said. "I might have a chance after all."

"It attacks on its own," said Granny Rocket.

"Aw, what?" Giovanni sighed. "But that's bullshit!"

Granny Rocket smiled. "I know."

"All right, so where's your annoyingly overpowered Mary God Sue Pokémon then?"

Granny Rocket pressed another button. The spotlights went down on the doorway that opened up. Several canons shot out confetti and streamers. A bunch of dancers came out and cheered while they danced in time to some hyperactive J-Pop in the background. The doors opened and out came, THE ETERNALMEW! The huge gold armored deviantART edgy version of Mew. Like Mewtwo, but better. Because it's based on the Suethor's favorite, Mew. But it was better because it was much larger, with six inch long fangs and claws and yellow eyes, and it was evil.

"Oh, come the fuck on," Giovanni whined.

"Mewtwo versus EternalMew, match starts now!" Granny Rocket announced. "Prepare to have your ass kicked, sissy boy!"

"I hate everything about this fanfic," said Giovanni, wishing for death.

The EternalSue glowed with golden energy and deflected every single one of Mewboohoo's attacks. It floated there, not having to move or do much because it was so strong. It was invincible.

Giovanni gasped and stuttered. "B-bullshit! It's invincible!"

"Yeah, so?" said Granny Rocket, sitting in a lawn chair with a Long Island iced tea in one hand.

EternalMew snapped its claws, making Mewtwo collapse in a sobbing pile, which also caused Giovanni to scream in pain as well. Also Jessie. EternalMew let out a shrieking sob, tears jetting from its eye holes.

"Oh, God! What is happening?" Giovanni yelled, his body and mind being crushed by an overwhelming force. His ears were bleeding. "That noise!"

"Make it stop! It's horrible!" Jessie pleaded, covering her ears to shield them from the nightmarish wailing.

Granny Rocket laughed up a storm, kicking out her feet. "That's EternalMew's attack! The SCREAMING-SOBBING! It causes anyone who attacks it or criticize it's stupid existence to experience a nightmarish unrelenting suffering when it screams and shrieks like a baby and tantrums for all eternity! It's only attack is to literally make everyone around it suffer. Except the people on its side. That would be us."

"That's seriously bullshit," Jessie said.

"Shut up, baldy. No one cares about you here," Granny Rocket snapped at her.

"Why are we always psychically linked to the Suethor's hateful wrath," groaned Giovanni. "Mommy!"

"It's your fault Shittwo over there attacked it," said Madame Boss. "It responds to attacks. It only directs the attacks at its enemies. So don't attack it then."

"But then I'll lose the battle," whined Giovanni.

"That's the point," said Granny Rocket and Madame Boss together.

"I knew there was a catch," said Giovanni, covering his face with his hands.

"I hope you're wearing a G-string, Gio-chan!" Granny Rocket taunted, flapping her dentures around in her mouth.

Giovanni covered his mouth, trying to keep down the vomit.

Mewtwo got up shakily, and stumbled around.

"Mewtwo, don't attack the Mary Sue! You'll kill us all!" Giovanni yelled.

Mewtwo shrugged. It attacked on its own, remember? Doesn't need to listen to anyone. It got pissed and used Hyper Beam, hoping at the very least it died in battle rather than be subject to further torment.

The Hyper Beam didn't phase the all powerful Poké-Sue. It burst into shrieks again, causing everyone to suffer. The Mewtwo fell down, its containment armor broken. Its body became bloody.

"Owwwww, why was I created simply to suffer?" it asked with a voice full of deep grief now that it could speak again. It laid its head back down. "Please let me die."

"Kill 'em, EternalMew!" yelled Granny Rocket.

"Poor tragic Mewtwo that no one here cares about," said Giovanni. "Except me, because that is how my new fangirl alternative characterization has made me, so it fits." His bottom lip quivered. "At least I wasn't the one to slap this Mewtwo into that device and sue it to easily win battles and catch Pokémon for myself because I'd be evil and cruel if I did. But that wasn't me. It was my crazy evil Mommy and Grandmommy who did all that while I was a nice kind sissy boy who did not wrong and never wanted to be a bad person."

"Your girlfriend will die whether you win or lose this fight," said Madame Boss.

"Again, bullshit," said Jessie.

"Bye, baldy bitch brat!" said Madame Boss, grinning.

"Same," said Granny Rocket.

It looks like trouble for our heroes, doesn't it? We're going to need a good ass-pull to wrap this up.


	12. Ultimate Nightmare Part 5

PART 5

And here it is, of course.

Out from the plot device worm hole popped everyone's favorite, Mew. And everyone gasped in shock, except they didn't. Because that was predictable.

"So surprising," said Madame Boss, rolling her eyes. "We never saw that coming."

"MEW, Mew," mewed the Mew.

It freed Jessie from the wall and Giovanni ran over and slapped tongues for a while.

"No! That's not fair! EternalMew, kill the little bitch," Granny Rocket ordered.

EternalMew struggled to decide which one she was talking about for a moment before deciding to kill both of them. It caused an explosion that blew the whole wall away, along with Giovanni and Jessie and the Mewtwo.

"Ha, gotcha!" Madame Boss raised her fist into the air. When the smoke cleared, she gasped for real. "They're still alive!"

Surprise again, Mew had shielded them all.

"Gee, for once you did something right," said Giovanni.

Jessie pulled Giovanni's arm. "Let's run back to my mom's cabin where they'll never find us unless they do."

"Uh, okay. Sounds like a plan. But it's probably my concussion," said Giovanni. He took her hand and they ran, they ran so far away.

And Mew was there, looking around, wondering where its friends went. Some friends, huh.

"NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE," Giovanni's voice called from the distance.

"My sex slave!" Granny Rocket cried out. "I want my sex slave back!" She fell to the ground and threw a screaming, crying, kicking tantrum.

"Oh, mother, control yourself. You know they went directly across the street to Miyamoto's cabin," said Madame Boss. "They've gone there for the past six similar stories."

"Oh, right," granny Rocket said, sitting up.

"And you, you little fuck," said Madame Boss, pointing at the Mew before it flew away. "I'll get you, one day!" She shook her fist at it.

"I want that rare Pokémon," said Granny Rocket. "Why don't we have Pokéballs and stuff on hand, or our army of Rocket flunkies, machines, and weapons anymore?"

"Canon sucks, that's why," said Madame Boss. "Now get in the cars and lets drive erratically and hopefully not crash again and explode."

"Why the fuck are we driving when the mansion slash gym is right across the street?" Granny Rocket asked before getting into her car.

"Fuck logic right in its ass," said Madame Boss.

Meanwhile, Giovanni and Jessie held hands and ran through the blizzard until they reached the cabin. Miyamoto was sitting by the fire, eating a bowl of soup. What happened to the snow?

"Continuity varies from one second to the next," she said, smiling. "Oh, hello, my dead family. Jessie, I haven't seen you in months."

"Yeah, thanks a lot for keeping track of me, Mother! Did you know I was chained up in a torture-rape dungeon for some unspecified months by Giovanni's crazy fucking Grandmother?"

Miyamoto kept smiling. "No, I did not. You two look awfully disheveled. Why is your hair missing and how did you gain so much weight locked up in a dungeon?"

Jessie burst into tears and sat down on the bed that was apparently in the middle of the room.

"My crazy Grandma shaved it off because she's jealous I'm banging Jessie instead of her," Giovanni explained.

"And I'm fat because I'm 6 months preggers but I somehow didn't notice," said Jessie. "Blame religious upbringing and me failing both biology and sex ed!"

"Oh, goodness," said Miyamoto. "Well the only thing that matters is you're having a baby, obviously!" She got up and hugged her daughter. "That's so wonderful!"

"I know, right!" said Jessie.

"My mom doesn't think so. She's probably coming to kill us all right now," said Giovanni. "But who cares! Let's enjoy this huggy cutesy shit moment!"

"Oh no. I've got morning sickness in the afternoon. Sorry, gotta go!" Jessie covered her mouth and ran to the bathroom.

"So, allow me to regain you with the harrowing tale of how my Mom and Grandma tortured us," said Giovanni. "And then you can explain why you didn't do a damn thing when you witnessed Jessie getting kidnapped and taken by my sadistic Grandmother from 10 miles down the road."

"Giovanni, you know I can't do anything. I'm not allowed by the plot," said Miyamoto in her defense.

And then we jump to Jessie who was sitting outside in the freezing snow, sobbing while she drew a little heart with her finger. Giovanni appeared behind her.

"What are you doing out here in the freezing cold, Jessie?"

"I dunno," said Jessie. She removed her hand and revealed that the heart said his name and her name and it's all cute and mushy.

"D'awwwww," said Giovanni stupidly. "That's so kawaii. Well, let's go back inside."

"So are you going to be the best daddy in the world, Gio-chan?" Miyamoto asked once they entered the doorway.

"Bathroom again!" Jessie ran off, shoving past the two of them.

"Sure," Giovanni said, his eyes shifting a little. He straightened his torn tie. "As you should know by now, we're more than friends. Oh, now I finally admit it! We're platonic fuckbuddies." He looked around. "Hey, where's my little snow heart that my waifu drew? Because that's something super interesting that I should be obsessive over."

"Your mother kicked the snow away. I must have forgotten to mention they were prowling around outside," said Miyamoto. "By the way, you look great in that red suit."

Giovanni blushed. He toed the ground. "Kawaii, ne? Thank you, Mommy Miyamoto."

Jessie started sobbing louder. "Someone, pay attention to me! I'm having a trivialized emotional trauma scene here."

They both ran to the bathroom door and stopped when Jessie almost hit them with the door as she ran out. She sat on the bed while sobbing into her hands again. Giovanni came over and gave her huggies and kisses.

"Oh no, is that emotional trauma I smell? I'm glad it's not me for once," he said. "So, what happened?" As if he didn't know.

"What do you think happened? BABBY DEAD," shrieked Jessie. "I had a miscarriage."

Giovanni brought out a champagne bottle and popped the cork. "That's so terrible."

Miyamoto burst into tears. Giovanni did too after he realized the story went on for ninety more paragraphs. They were constantly referred to as BEST FRIENDS by the original narration instead of lovers. Why do I get the feeling this is because the Suethor somehow figured this wouldn't alert the incest shipping hypocrisy alarm bells from anyone if she called them "Just friends" even though they were fucking while considering him an adopted stepbrother and son. You could have literally...kept them as...just friends.

"But the taboo," said Giovanni to the disgruntled voice from nowhere. "If there was no sexy taboo to exploit, why ship anything at all?" Indeed.

"The EternalMew wanted us all to suffer by killing Jessie's baby, obviously," she said. "It was all your mean old Grandmother's fault. Are they still outside? The plot has forgotten them for the moment to stay focused on all this multi-level tragic insanity."

Giovanni and Jessie kept on sobbing.

"It had nothing to do with me being kept in a torture dungeon for several months," said Jessie. "That point is completely forgotten."

Miyamoto and Giovanni burst into louder sobs and hugged poor Jessie. "Everyone sad!"

"Crying fetish," said Jessie as she sobbed. "My hair is gone and so is my beautiful screeching Mary Sue God baby with my best boyfriend."

"I'll love you even though you're now hideous," said Giovanni.

"Oh, you. By the way, we all know you're now bisexual because somebody learned of its existence so she could make yet another," Jessie began.

"Inappropriately timed joke!" everyone in the room shouted.

"How is this so obvious, exactly?" Giovanni asked.

"Um. Because the Suethor rendered you into a crudely OOC uke sissy boy and constantly mocked you by dressing you up as a woman and making you cry, same as every vaguely masculine character she takes a hate boner to, unless she needs you to switch back to het for the sake of shipping? Somebody must have mentioned bisexuality because that was so not on the radar for years and years," Jessie suggested. "They can barely grasp the concept of homosexual male does not mean chick with dick as it is."

"Hmm, that might very well be it," said Giovanni.

"What I want to know is why this has anything to do with the plot at hand," said Miyamoto.

"It doesn't!" Jessie and Giovanni said.

Back outside.

Madame Boss and Granny Rocket were back in their cars, driving erratically, chasing the Mew as it flew around. And Granny Rocket repeated her death scene with a few words changed, flipping her car and crashing in a fiery explosion. Her last words were: "GIOVANNI, MY SEXY SISSY BOY TOY!"

"Yeah, whatever, Mother," said Madame Boss, ignoring the repeating plots so she could get back to Miyamoto's cabin and repeat more plots. "So tragic. Mommy dead, who gives a fuck!"

Mew giggled and flew away again.

Back in the insanity OTP cabin, the trio of things wearing your once beloved Pokémon character's names sat drinking their yummy hot chocolate. Madame Boss kicked open the door, causing them all to turn with looks of dull surprise.

"Miyamoto, get the fuck over here. I'm rehiring you to hunt down and kill that fucking Mew! It killed my Mom again."

"Good! That crazy bitch kidnapped Jessie and tortured her for months and no one seems to care! And also she tried to kill me and you were there! What the fuck, Mother! What is even going on with this story?" Giovanni said.

"It doesn't make any fucking sense, so why should it start now?" Mdame Boss said.

"Your psycho of a mother murdered my baby!" Jessie said. She burst into tears. Giovanni and Miyamoto rushed up and began to lick them off.

"Oh, the baby died? That's one thing in this story that's good to hear," said Madame Boss, chewing on her fingertip.

"It's terrible, and you're terrible. What if you lost a baby? How would you feel, Mother?"

Madame Boss threw back her head and let out a shrill laugh. "How the fuck do you think I'd feel, you sissy bitch idiot?"

Giovanni hung his head in shame. "I realized that seconds after it escaped my mouth."

"Fuck this filler dialogue," Madame Boss said, walking through the group, forcibly separating them all. She turned sharply on her heel to face them once again. "Miyamoto, get moving out to the Andes mountains where you'll die while looking for the Mew in ways you didn't before that's fucking up the canon here."

"But we like this canon better," said Miyamoto. "I never died, Giovanni is my stepson rather than yours because you're evil and he's not evil. He's sad and misunderstood. Not a villain. And Jessie is his lover-friend. Platonically. And we've all renounced Team Rocket and aren't bad anymore. We are a happy though insane overtly Christian family with unsettling incestuous overtones and nothing makes sense. And it's not marked as an AU at all. Because it's canon now."

"Shut up and take your photo," said Madame Boss, shoving the camera into her hands.

"I have the photo right here," said Miyamoto, pulling it out of her dress.

"Good! Fine. Whatever. Just hurry this bullshit up." Madame Boss slapped the camera out of her hands and onto the floor. "I didn't want to sit through the line of narration where it claimed the camera 'gave birth' to a fucking photo anyway."

She turned around to face her son.

"So, Giovanni. Do you hate me now? You and Jessie?"

"I sure as fuck do," said Jessie.

"I don't. It'd be mean and bad," said Giovanni. "And I'm not bad or mean. I'm a pure and tragic cinnamon roll."

"We all quit working for Team Rocket in this fantasy weeaboo version of the canon," said Jessie. "Now we're pure and good!" She grabbed Giovanni's hand and kissed him repeatedly. "We're the purity OTP and there's nothing you can do to separate us!"

"I'll be the judge of that," said Madame Boss. "Get moving, Miyamoto."

"Well, okay. I can't object because I can't do anything," said Miyamoto. "Except be submissive and accommodating and then die tragically so everyone can cry over my corpse while perhaps rubbing their erection against it."

If Giovanni had eyebrows, they would have raised.

"No, Mommy! Don't abandon me like in the mean old canon!" Jessie cried. "I hate canon! It's bad and wrong and mean and I hate it and refuse to accept it! We're going to sit here and eat snow and I'll fuck my new stepbrother-dad-boyfriend-friend Giovanni for the rest of my life!"

"You'll be part of the Rocket Gang whether you want to or not because that's the actual canon outside this shitty fic and the parody of it and you can't ever change that, asshole," said Madame Boss. "Why is it so fucking hard to write the worlds ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE on something so fucking insane and nonsensical to this franchise and its fans, it's offensive on many levels."

The all stuck out their tongues at Madame Boss and pulled down their eye lids.

"I hate all of you," said Madame Boss. She walked over and slapped Giovanni across the face. "Especially you. Sissy bitch brat!"

"Why do you care so much about Grandma? She was pure evil. She raped me, she tortured Jessie in her torture dungeon."

"Thank goodness there was no rape that time around for a female character," said Jessie.

"She stole the plot of Birth of Mewtwo and Battle of the Badges and switched everything around so she could be the star instead of the real characters that were there in the canon," said Giovanni. "She murdered my Persian and skinned it for a rug."

"She made bad jokes," said Jessie.

"She was just a lame fucking clone of me with gray hair and black clothes," said Madame Boss. She looked embarrassed for a second. "Oops. I mean. Well, she did! I'll still avenge her death though. I fucking hate that Mew thing. It's more popular than me. And so are you, Miyamoto! You bitch."

"Granny deserved her death. She was obsessed with raping me. She was probably thinking about diddling me in the car when she lost control," said Giovanni.

"Shut up about that," Madame Boss said, grasping Giovanni's chicken neck with her long talons and giving it a squeeze. "You know I can't stand to hear about other people having sex!"

"I'll go get that Mew," said Miyamoto. "I wouldn't want my dear adopted son to suffer his very sad man pain any longer."

"Hey, Mother, remember the part where I was kidnapped for months and tortured and had a miscarriage?" Jessie asked, annoyed, as her mother walked right past her.

"Poor Giovanni, who lost his baby," said Miyamoto. "I would have hoped it would be a son. Because nobody wants a daughter."

"Be sure to take your strongest Pokémon with you so you don't fuck up," said Madame Boss.

"I don't have any Pokémon," said Miyamoto, shrugging.

"Oh. Use this net then," Madame Boss said, handing her a butterfly net. "And don't fail me, you fucking bitch! But I don't really care if you do as long as you die."

Giovanni had an intrusive flashback to his cuddly childhood friend, the Mew. Mew, Mew, Mew. It looked like a cute little fetus kitty. And that was the only fucking reason it mattered so much in this story. Giovanni swam through a massive paragraph of redundant garbage exposition wanking over how he wasn't really evil at all and it was his mean mommy who caused him to turn to the dark side, with her hatred and jealousy of his kindness and love for his best fuckbuddy, Jessie. Or Miyamoto. Whichever it was. Because the narration makes it pretty clear he can't fucking choose and wants to do them both. I mean, really. And it goes on and on about how Madame Boss wants revenge.

YEAH WE GET IT.

Jessie sobbed as he mother was forced to mildly reenact that nasty old canon by leaving to search for Mew when she was 18 or so instead of 5 or 6. Giovanni continued to make out with her. Repeatedly And huge her. Repeatedly. Like that is the only few actions they can do. Looped forever. Madame Boss scowled at them. Like that was one of the few actions she could do. Because it was. And she was jealous of their affection. Yeah, we get it. And this time it finally refers to Jessie as Giovanni's girlfriend.

And we move on to Miyamoto on her journey into the mountains in Birth of Mewtwo as she quietly and obsessively reflected on poor Giovanni and how he didn't do anything wrong and wasn't really a villain. He was simply brainwashed by his cruel psychotic abusive mother. And she knew deep down, he was pure of heart, like her and her daughter. Dear lord. This keeps going like a manifesto by a deeply unhinged person. Aherm.

Oh, and the POV abruptly switches in the same paragraph to Madame Boss hating on their delightful OTP and digging her three inch long claws into his shoulder.

"Get the fuck away from each other, you sick perverts," she said, shoving Giovanni away from Jessie. "That's my NOTP! It makes me wanna puke!"

"But Miyamoto and Jessie are my only friends," said Giovanni. "Wow, seriously? I have no friends but these designated ships?"

"That is correct," said Jessie robotically, leaning into the mic.

"It makes sense in this context thanks to me being a paranoid narcissist psychopath hell bent on destroying any relationship I see you in," said Madame Boss. "Or anyone else, for that matter."

"Now we're going to run back out in the blizzard and search for Miyamoto, like in those other fics," said Jessie. She blew a raspberry at Madame Boss. "And we're probably gonna die in that avalance that always happens, but who cares!"

"W-wait," said Giovanni, but Jessie grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the cabin into the blizzard.

"See if I care, shitfuckers," Madame Boss's voice called after them. "I'LL STILL BE ALIVE! I CAN NEVER DIE IN THESE STORIES. I'M THE SUETHOR'S PERSONAL FUCKING AVATAR, YOU LOSERS! I'M IMMUNE, HAHAHAHAA!"

Her haunting villainous laughter echoed over the mountains.

Miyamoto stared at her picture. "Ah. My stepson and daughter who I love to watch platonically fuck and get my daughter pregnant but sadly they never have a baby because trauma crying drama reasons. And no, I don't really care about Jessie at all anymore. Only Giovanni. The plot made me. I'm sorry."

She heard Mew mewing again and looked up, seeing it flying around.

"Aw! It's so cute! It could never hurt anyone because it's a cute little kitty cat." Miyamoto chased it with the net. "I can't bring myself to catch it, of course. The plot won't let me. That would be mean. And I am pure." She pulled out her photo to reenact her scenes in Birth of Mewtwo before she fell and her whereabouts were unknown. "I might end up in a cave for twenty years." She waved the photo. "Oh, Mew! Mew! Look at my photo of my nude daughter and stepson-daddy who got her pregnant but the baby died for the sake of sadfeels! Nobody talks this way, except in terrible fanfiction."

Mew flew upside down in front of her.

"I'm obsessed with my Boss's son more than more own daughter, who I don't give a single shit about but hope the audience won't notice," said Miyamoto. "I ever allowed someone to kidnap and torture her for months without lifting a finger. Because she didn't matter." She tilted her head to one side, smiling placidly. "I enjoy you so much because you're cute and friendly, unlike that nasty Mewtwo, who had a traumatic backstory and tons of emotional depth to its character that for some reason we chose not explore but instead chose to make up all this wangsty bull onto other characters while completely gutting them of their canon personality and backstories."

Mew became disinterested and started flying away.

"No wait! I'm sorry to bore you with that," said Miyamoto. "I realize this is a terrible story, and the parody isn't much better. But as long as we trapped here, we might as well make the best of it. Although I'm not sure how."

"Mew," said Mew.

"I'm not a bad person. I'm not mean or bad. I would never harm another living being. I would capture them for money if I could," said Miyamoto. "But I can't. Because that's not my canon anymore."

Mew flew away.

"Oh, well. Goodbye!" Miyamoto called after it and waved.

And then the snow crumbled and she fell.

"Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!"

Again.

See you in twenty years. Or maybe less.


	13. Ultimate Nightmare Part 6

PART 6

Giovanni and Jessie were holding hands and walking out in the blizzard when Giovanni gasped and clutched his chest, struck by a crippling pain.

"Owie!"

"What happened?" Jessie asked.

"You're not going to believe this, Jessie, but I have some kind of psychic connection with your mother," he said. "And I think I felt her suffering!"

"That's...pretty far fetched, Giovanni," said Jessie.

"I know. But it's happening because it happens in every fic this person writes," said Giovanni. "So I've got to deal with it as my new super bullshit power."

Jessie shrugged. "Wait. How come I don't have a deep psychic connection with my own mother?"

"She doesn't love you," said Giovanni. "She loves me."

"Whatever," Jessie said, folding her arms in anger. "Let's keep wandering aimlessly until we get hit by that death avalanche and wander some more before eventually dying."

"I really don't want to do that part over again and again if we can help it," said Giovanni. "Walking through this never ending blizzard without proper clothing is hard enough already."

Jessie sneezed, causing a massive avalanche.

"FUCK," Giovanni said as he got buried beneath tons of snow and separate from his anime waifu.

Hours later, he dug himself out of the snow and started wandering aimless once again, searching for the two hot females in his f/f/m OTP. He fell down and crawled on his belly, like a snake. A snake in the snow. Or a cobra. But warm blooded, so it didn't die right away.

And without a separating paragraph, there was Jessie, doing the same thing.

"How'd we get so far apart?" she wondered through the snow as it hit her in the face. "And now all I can do is obsessively fantasize about Giovanni having a miserable life with his cruel evil mother who is the whole reason behind him turning evil. I hate her so much! Stupid crazy bitch."

She struggled to move in the waist deep snow.

"I fucking hate snow now! I used to love it," she said. "But not after all this." She started to get real sad. Boo hoo. "That's some good writing right there. Anyway, I have to keep announcing that I'm looking for my mother and stuff. And obsessing over Giovanni whenever his dick's not in my mouth. Like a good female character in a bad fanfic!"

Back at Giovanni, a few dozen feet away. He was confirmed to be wearing his traditional orange suit. I mean red. Does anyone even watch this show here? Is his suit now red to match his mommy's? And his hair is black instead of brown because fuck everything, canon sucks big fat dicks.

"Now I shall obsess over my mother, as usual. Oh, wait! I get it now. Madame Boss is the Suethor's avatar! That's why she controls the plot, is immune to death, is so bitterly jealous of anyone who's shipped with me, is part of the Suethor's own internet handle along with the Mew, and it explains why both she and Mew are in every story ever written here, and I can't believe it took me this long to realize this," said Giovanni painfully. He hung his head, anguished. "It all makes sense. My mother...is a God Sue villain avatar. That explains why she enjoys torturing all these characters so much."

Sucks for you, doesn't it, pal.

"Now I can't stop flashing back to those other terrible stories where my mother tortured me and murdered all my beloved pets! Like my pet Caterpie. No, wait. It was a regular caterpillar, Fluffy. And then she tried to gaslight me into thinking I was crazy and called the police on me, saying I was the leader of Team Rocket."

He whimpered before swatting the flashback bubble away from his head.

"No more! I can't take the redundancy!" he begged. "I can't take the plot's continuous need to beat the audience over the head with how I'm not, and never have been, a cruel mean bad evil man, ever! Villains can't be humanized any other way but sobbing abusive backstories full of torture and rape for the sake of titillation but hopefully no one will realize that because those other fans are assholes who ship things the Suethor can't get away with, so nobody can! Also they're not popular when they write that stuff. And believe me, they've tried. They'll try everything once. or twice. Long as they think they're going to get away with it. They're giant hypocrite." Snow fell into his mouth, shutting Giovanni up from pointing out more of the Suethor's massive trail of hypocrisy over the past dozen years. "Mmmph, mmph!" He choked and spit some of it up before it melted from the warmth of his mouth. "Mommy! Forgive me!"

And then another giant huge paragraph of the sad feels cinnamon role man pain mommy fetish with Giovanni desperately wishing to be paired with Miyamoto and Jessie instead of his mean old canon mommy. Miyamoto taught him how to love and be kind and FUCK'S SAKE, JUST WRITE AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE.

"It's really cold without my hair," said Jessie as the POV crash landed back to her, nearly knocking her off balance. The snow had piled up on her head. "I wish I was at home with my mommy or in bed, fucking my boyfriend, Giovanni, who's got to be a shitload of years older than I am anyway you spin it, but fuck that. No one cares! Shipping. It's cool when we do, but not anyone else in the fandom we don't like or are jealous of."

She threw her head back and screamed.

"MOMMY!"

Giovanni's lungs were nearly frozen, as he'd been forced to inhale freezing winds for nearly two hours, wasn't wearing clothes suited for these elements, and had previously been beaten and tortured a few dozen plot gaps ago. He continued to obsessively focus on the mother, who was the Suethor's cruel avatar all alone and nobody noticed, right. Sadly the characters became self-aware of their own plight.

"Mommy," said Giovanni, unable to help himself. "Why are you so cruel? I thought you like me. I thought you liked Pokémon. But all you want to do is tear it apart and rape it and watch it scream. You only want to traumatize it. Crush it. Destroy it and deny its actual existence. Which is weird, seeing how there's so many different universes in this franchise, you'd think there's more than enough ones to suit your dark and edgy shipping craze. But you pick this one? Birth of Mewtwo. And a handful of the original anime and stuff."

He coughed a few times before flying into a panic, imagining his fate, frozen for eternity in the snow. Without his Purity Sue mommy and interchangeable object girlfriend.

"I want to curl up and die and so much angst," he said. "When will this fic be over?" And now Jessie was back to being his childhood friend instead of lover. "Oh, there's the cave! Thank God!"

Giovanni trudged towards that cave you all remember from that other fic. God help us when we discover what's in there. And what's going to happen.

Spoiler: GIOVANNI RUBS HIS ERECTION ON MIYAMOTO, HAHAHA. Somehow this makes it a slightly different and "sweeter" ending.

Giovanni entered the cavern of lost delights. He found Miyamoto lying on the ground for an specified amount of time instead of twenty years, for obvious reasons.

"My God, how long has it been?" Giovanni cried, rushing to her body and crouching down. "Am I still 18 years old or am I middle aged? Am I in my 60s now? No details are ever specified!"

"Oh, thank God. Now I can die," said Miyamoto, tired of her suffering. "I hate these fanfics."

"But Mommy Miyamoto! Hate is bad! That means you're bad! You're supposed to be a good and pure angel!" Giovanni sobbed.

"Madame Boss sent me to kill the Mew but I couldn't. I fell down and the avalanche and ended up in this cave again for plot convience and I'm soooo tired of this, Giovanni," she said. "I'm so tired. I just want to die and never be written into a fanfic by this person ever again." She looked at her watch. "I've been in this cave for hours instead of twenty years."

"I was worried there for a minute," said Giovanni, relieved. "Anyway, I hope you live so I can fuck you and your daughter and you can both be my mommies and make me lots of new Silvers and Ashes. You make the Suethor happy because she can use you as an excuse for why I'm not evil anymore and now I can be the baby daddy she's always wanted instead of a jerkass villain of varying degrees of cunning coldness and cruelty or indifference."

"That is correct," said Miyamoto, leaning into the mic. She coughed again.

"You give me the will to live," said Giovanni.

Miyamoto looked into his eyes. "I'm dying."

"But you make me so horny," he whispered.

He got an erection as he touched her angelic face, placing every part of his body on her figure.

So what, is he laying on top of her? Also this is dead fucking serious, he got an ERECTION while touching her. I mean, his "stiff corpse" revived. We all know what that's the euphemism for.

So there's no denying it now. Giovanni has an actual boner for Miyamoto, his previous ship before it swapped to Jessie, who you can tell the Suethor really is not into as much as Miyamoto. Jessie/Giovanni was a completely forced ship because Jessie is more popular. And there's all this desperation to declare Miyamoto his new mommy. Mommy in more ways than one.

"I don't care about anything anymore, Giovanni. Especially not my daughter, whatever her name was," said Miyamoto. "You'll always be my son. The son whom I love and not my actual daughter, whom I could care less about. And it shows. Now kiss me, you fool."

Giovanni kissed her on the mouth, causing his tombstone to harden even more. "Oh, Mommy!" He bit his lip, trying not to release his holy ghost.

"Oops, I'm dead now." Miyamoto went "Bleh" and her tongue lolled out of her mouth.

"BUT I WANTED A THREESOME!" Giovanni exploded into hysterical sobbing and screaming her name repeatedly.

And he shrieked and wailed and the narration always fixates on reminding everyone of this.

"Now we have the proper Christian burial," said Giovanni. He did so and then licked the ground where the sexy corpse of his beloved Mommy was buried. "Bye, Mommers! I won't forget how horridly awful and creepy this story and every other story I have appeared in here was."

He walked out of the cave, whistling.

"Welp. Now to locate Jessie so I can die and this fic can end forever because it 's the last one," said Giovanni.

He fell down in the snow and rolled twenty feet to the left, coming up on Jessie's side.

Jessie gasped when something hit her foot and said "Ow."

"Giovanni! There you are," she said, wiping snow from her eyes. "I was hoping you'd show up sooner or later." She lowered herself and lifted half of his body into her arms. "How'd you survive in this deadly weather for so long?"

"I thought about how much I wanted to bang your mom instead of you," he confessed.

"Oh," said Jessie, disappointed.

Giovanni burst into loud sobs. "You're just not as hot as her! Miyamoto slash Giovanni will always be the real OTP! It's just not fucking popular! Stupid elitist fandom!"

"Our mission has now been completed," Jessie said, checking off the second to last criteria for these fics on a notepad. "Now all we have to do is die." She started crying. "Now we declare ourselves siblings and best friends and platonic lovers."

"Yeah, whatever," said Giovanni. He sighed. "Now I know how Miyamoto felt. Without that ship or a bunch of torture fetish cross-dressing comedy shit, there's really nothing to care about."

"You're sweet," said Jessie, not paying attention but instead reading off her script. "God damn, why was this abomination so long?" She flipped the pages, her eyes increasing in size the more there were left. "Come on already!"

"My mom was evil and she forced me to be bad and I'm misunderstood nice baby man forever," Giovanni grunted. "Love me." He sobbed uncontrollably again forever more.

Jessie was too busy stuck in a mental flashback about how evil Giovanni's Mommy was and how she forced him to be evil and how she was good and pure as well and she couldn't stop mimicking Giovanni because she had no free will of her own anymore.

"Now I draw the lovey heart again," she said, doing that. "See? It says GIOVANNI X JESSIE and we are the ONE TRUE PAIRING!"

Giovanni rubbed her name out of it and wrote Miyamoto's name. "Fixed it."

Jessie frowned really hard. She rubbed out both names and wrote Jessie x James. "No, I fixed it, you jackass. I hate every second of being forced into this story with you and everyone else. Death will be the sweetest release possible."

"Miyamoto would never humiliate me," said Giovanni. "I love her best! Better than all you stupid bitches!"

"Rot in hell, fucker," said Jessie.

"Do you mean me or the Suethor?" Giovanni asked.

"I'm not even sure anymore," Jessie said.

"Hey," said Giovanni.

Jessie looked at him. "What's up?"

"The sky! And another shitty joke crammed in for no apparent reason," said Giovanni until Jessie kicked snow over his face. "Jessie, you have to make out with me one last time before I die."

"The hell I do!" But then she realized the original plot was forcing her and she could not resist. "Fuck!" Her lips slammed down onto Giovanni's as much as she struggled to remove them. "I hate this pairing!" she mumbled through the kiss.

"Same," said Giovanni, wishing for Miyamoto's hot body. He got another boner, causing Jessie to scream. "Tag! You're it, bitch! No tag backs!"

And the Giovanni died, leaving Jessie to sob hysterically until she froze to death in the snow, muttering "Fuck you, Craig."

And this demented piece of weeaboo narcissist fanbrat shit with stolen Pokémon names pasted onto some obnoxious mafia J-Rock OCs created so somebody could live our their creepy ass stalker obsession with Buck-Tick member Atsushi Sakurai finally ended, once and for all.

THE END

* * *

 _It's better because you can take every single story she as ever wrote and swap out the names of the characters and see the same story no matter what. And she still goes into every fandom picking fights with more popular Sue writers and shippers who do the same incest or pedo pairings except they're actually getting reviews for it and she's so jealous. How she calls them hypocrites, canon haters, pedos, Mary Suethors, and uncreative is so hilarious. It's all her own projection of guilt showing through because she knows deep down that she sucks at everything and she's so jealous of everyone else, even people who are basically at the low end of the quality side of the fandom. She can't even keep up with them and she knows it. She's so filled with hate and resentment at never being the center of attention except when people are making fun of her._

* * *

 _Y'all are ironically like her biggest fans, always giving her the narcissistic attention she craves by acknowledging her presence every year instead of ignoring her ass, plus dedicating entire fanfics to her (yeah, they're parodies, but still). Can't believe this shit's been going on since 2009._

* * *

 _You know she had to have written some stuff about us fanfic trolls getting gang raped/tortured in the BDSM dungeons. I shudder to think._


End file.
